When it rains...

"Miss Amanda it rained yesterday" Nicholas aimlessly talks as we go on out on our daily afternoon walk. "Your right Nicholas it did rain yesterday" I say with only half my brain after the chaos that was nap time. Excited nick exclaims "The sun warmed up all the wet things... It shineded on all that was rainded on!"

"Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; make melody to our God on the lyre! He covers the heavens with clouds; he prepares rain for the earth;  he makes grass grow on the hills." Psalm 147:8

At that point I stop to let the boys investigate a leaf because all leaves are full of wonder, but apparently this was T  H  E  perfect leaf. I couldn't argue- all nature sends me on hunt for more of the beauty of the creator. He made the perfect leaf... & that one an that one... The one with the stripes and the one with the spots, he made them all!

It was then I thought about all that rain talk- we all have days where it feels like rain in our lives. We feel like the storms will push us over and it just won't dry.When we are drenched by circumstances and shivering in the cold. When the rain comes and it wets the ground in our souls we think just because it was wet somehow that means there isn't a way for the rain drenched streets of our hearts and minds to become dry again. We think in our        h o p e l e s s n e s s of the negative self talk, the kind the devil loves- because he doesn't have to do any work... we simply condemn ourselves and he just smirks his devilish smirk. The rain falls faster and with more velocity because if circumstances can bring us down, then he won't need to push us anyways. __Yet we are "more than conquerors" so we need not fall into this thought or disgrace for the power of the spirit can lift us from this negative thought___

Even as I type this in attempt to never forget simple thoughts of a child; Nicholas starts talking about how Jesus gives us hearts to chose his way or we sometimes choose poorly but he loves us still. That's the gospel straight from the mouth of babes: freedom to chose his way and his truth but also love in the bad choices still. Grace that covers it all! Of course in his 5-year old mind he compares bad choices to "bad guys" but the concept was there- and what a concept to grasp!!

The SON (of God) surely warms the cold and wet parts in our hearts- hurts caused by people, by heartache, by simply the brokenness of the world. The son, the one and only son. He warms us with his light. His warmth reminds us of his favor as his faithfulness. The rainbow in our hearts keep account of his shining. That beautiful rainbow reminds us of his promise. Our rainbows can take many different shapes,forms, and of course many different colors.  Maybe the rainbows of our soul come from a place of forgiving where it isn't easy or fair. Other times rainbows are colored by accepting or giving grace to others. Furthermore our rainbows carry us back to place of remembering. Even if it rains so hard that we think we may never get dry again; the son shines in perfectly into our deepest, wettest and most torrential downpours. He clears it up- he always does. Rest in him as the rain falls in our lives and trust in him when he provides his comfort in warmth. Because "the SON gives us warmth- he dries up all the wet parts"

This week I had many moments when I thought "It's raining, but I chose to believe the SON gives me warmth." I shall not despair or sit under condemnation but rather gather up the soggy socks and walk forward in confidence that the dry weather will come. It isn't the dry weather we wait for though, we sit in the rain drenched with a heart of joy. We can choose to dance in the rain and embrace the muckieness that is life some days.

Dance and let the SON warm you even when... you get a huge bill from the hospital for more than you have in your saving. Because when the Son warms you he provides with not only provision for the whole bill and debt eliminated but also a 20% discount to the paying party. Freely dance when you have your record wiped clean because when I look at a debt being paid I see the Gospel. I see our sin and utter helplessness in death and remember a savior sent to save us from the pit of death.

 "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:2

Dance and let the SON warm you even when... you are stuck in traffic on the interstate. Because maybe that traffic somehow had God's sovereign hand wrapped up in it.. because he knew your car would stall. He knew going 70mph and a car stopping would be death but he chose life so therefore he chose traffic. Slowing my vehicle down enough to realize, ughhh whaaaa....what is happening?! Choosing joy even after the tears flow because you realize that without his hand in steering you off the highway you would be dead. We would all be dead though, without his rainbows; without his remembrance of what his son did... he warms us even in the chaos of tow trucks, mechanics and even lack of faith in the moment of distress. H e   r e s t o r e s , he renews... and you drive away the next day praising all the more loudly. 

"The lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down." Psalm 145:14

Dance and let the SON warm you even when....you are tempted beyond your self control. Sit in the reality that dancing with a sin is like dancing with fire- we will get burned. When the son warms you and reminds you of his grace, then CHRIST grabs hold of your hand and dances you into remembrance of his light being shed on all things and why convictions of the spirit are a thing to be pressed in on to hear clearly rather than put on mute so your sin can run rampant. RUN, run fast the other way so you can dance freely in the arms of one who knows even the deepest darkest things and yet love you still deeper, stronger, wider.

Dance and let the SON warm you even when... you face broken relationships, failures, tragedy, triumph, sadness, sorrow, depression, anguish, faithlessness, hopelessness, broken hearts, bitterness, fears, trauma, health issues, Cancer, poor results, bad feedback, innumerable obstacles, disadvantage, financial struggles and the list goes on. At the end of the day we can chose to remember the rainbows despite the rain, and better yet dance in the storm. We can walk in confidence because we know God has us in his sovereign hands and choose to trust him even when our hands shake when we praise or pray. 


"As servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: By great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger, by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy spirit, genuine love by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; for honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet known; as dying, and behold we live; as punished and yet not killed; as sorrowful yet always rejoicing; as poor yet making many rich; as having nothing, YET POSSESSING EVERYTHING."                                  
2 C o r i n t h i a n s 6:4-10

Celebration of Stillness & Broken Pieces Renewed

Before I left for Haiti I had a season of stillness.
That included very little to do and lots of processing on my couch.

Wondering what is to come and how to prepare?
Knowing we never truly can be ready but rather need to stand tall in the spirit.

I remember feeling shame for sitting on my couch day after day feeling so unproductive.
Feeling useless and just ready to move onto what God had for me, where God had me; Haiti.

Then I was sent into the mission.
*Like a whirlwind*
He stretched me in ways I wasn't sure I was capable of stretching.
He grew me in areas I wasn't anticipating growth.
I danced in the storms and cried over this world being utterly broken.
There was trial in places I hadn't ever been tested.
I fought for what I believed in and the convictions he gave me.
There were broken pieces floating around my heart just surviving day to day.
Then suddenly a year has past and I just stand amazed

Those broken pieces...
They are still there, the broken shards of my heart attacking even simple daily functioning. That's what you aren't ready for when you go on mission; the recoil and the picking up of all that was thrown about in your life, but I'm going to tell you a secret; it's worth all the pain. Floating around waiting to be redeemed and repaired by the ONE being that can do such work. A savior who desires to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together for our good and his Glory. He is a compassionate savior who knows the deepest darkest parts of us and isn't scared away because he made us that way. He is faithful in the recovery and repairing because he knows what broke us to begin with and he know the one thing that can heal us: HIMSELF.

"Even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed" 1 peter 3:14

I'm back on the couch. This time it's not even mine.
This time in freedom. To rest and remember.

To sit in stillness before a God who chose to surrender his own son for my sake.
To be humbled by circumstances enough to trust he has a greater plan.

Although I have battled condemnation from the enemy for being in the season I'm in...
I know I have a father willing to pick up the pieces and lovingly repair what is broken.

Let no one tell you what season you should be in... let not culture, nor age, nor any other factor determine where you are to be... because if we can trust in stillness he will repair, then it's enough. It's enough to be right where we are in him, in freedom. It's enough for our souls to be simply satisfied in him alone.
You are enough. 

There is a funny thing about value that the devil want's us to hide under fear; fear we aren't worth it. He wants us to believe our failures and flesh make for uselessness. If it's one thing I've learned from believing that lie for far too long it's that for every lie we embed...deeper goes the truth. Over and over this year I felt as if I had little value. Nothing to give, it was never enough. I lived in this defeated state of mind but as I look back on my story I can see it. Etched into every memory and every doubt the gem of hope. The truth that tells: YOU ARE VALUE. Why? Because he came for me. He bled and died because he valued our lives over his. He rose and was seated at the right hand of God because there was enough good in him that he chose to value you all the more. Even in our sin. He valued us then. You, dear child are VALUED. Never forget it.


It's funny how we find healing;

Sometimes it's a conversation with a stranger in your foreign tongue and it feels like your old friends reminding you about all the failed conversations a year ago and how he enabled you to learn far more than you would have ever believed.

Sometimes it's admitting you are broken to your boyfriend, and instead of judgement he looks at you with the most compassion in his eyes and says: "but we are all broken." Yes, yes we are.

Sometimes it's a song that comes on at all the right times, and the dancing that comes with it.

Sometimes it's a silent prayer and the tears that flow from it in your car... the one Jesus gave to you out of faithfulness and his favor.

Many times it's talking with sisters in Christ and realizing this life is far too hard to do it alone and you thank Jesus for each other... laughing, crying, and all the dramatic and beautiful moments you share.

A lot of times it's scripture washing over wounds like the ocean; cleaning out the gunk and feeling the sting of the salt but becoming purified in the process...renewed by the washing.

So when he calls you to wait, wait in him. Wait in stillness for the truth and promise he brings with him...because without it we are caught up in our own tangle of lies we chose to believe. We could even slowly slip into believing this season is useless, and we would be mistaken. Because the recovery of the crop is necessary for the new harvest to take form. The resting of the soil enables good fruit to grow. The sitting on a couch enables healing in freedom to flow. So when we are in weird seasons remember that he brings us THROUGH the desert land to the PROMISE land. There is a promise, and the promise is healing, redemption, and new life! 

If nothing else, that's what I am praising God for today. HEALING, REDEMPTION, NEW LIFE.
Won't you join me in the celebration? In the stillness we will celebrate his work!

24- Hope

Tonight, on the eve of my 24th Birthday the Lord lead me to reflect on this past year.

I remember sitting in my bunk bed in Haiti this exact evening late into the wee hours of the morning doing just this last year. Crying out to the Lord and thanking him for his faithfulness in my life. Thanking him that he had brought me to a place where all things were stripped away from the very clutter filled lives we live in America. Zoomed in on his work, his hands, and his feet becoming those in action. Capturing moments of his grace in every pain, and his joy even from our sorrows. Focusing deeply upon the Hope at which rests at his feet.

Hope in Christ ALONE. nothing else.

Not in Jobs {Just in Christ}
Not in Money {Just in Christ}
Not in Beauty {Just in Christ}
Not in Fame {Just in Christ}
Not in Pride {Just in Christ}
Not in People {Just in Christ}
Not in (dare i say it) Art {Just in Christ}

As I reflect on those revelations I had at this exact time last year I nearly had a breakdown at the perpetual quicksand like motion at witch I have been moving in the states. I realized how one by one those things had been trying to invade where my hope lies just a month home. The expectations I placed on myself were unrealistic and in a lot of ways worldly in order to "look, move, act, be"  like everyone else in "my stage(whatever that is) in" this life. I couldn't put my finger on the pressure I felt- even when "no one" was forcing me, culture was. Expectations for a 24 year old here look different than my life in Haiti, and having lived in a 3rd world country for an extended period of time does not fit into those expectations. I wanted to hide. Go back to life in America but not face the culture that is in America- Impossible.

It was frightening to realize how quickly we conform again to the patterns of our worlds. My world had been simplicity and difficulty mixed into little comfort with a lot of love, all of a sudden it's a shifting burden of worldliness smack dab in my face. Coming back into a culture where we are told our Jobs define us --I don't have one. Those Jobs afford us leisure our money can buy-- that I have in limited supply as well. Beauty in high fashion and making yourself to be "pulled together" screams "CULTURE SHOCK" for me. I was alarmingly so caught off guard by that in the airport; not even on american soil for an hour looking in the mirror suddenly feeling my face naked next to the layers piled on the next girl. After a year of wearing only Nike shorts and tee shirts I didn't exactly remember how to coordinate so I realize my outfit was certainly not "cute" and I'm pretty sure I saw more self assured middle schoolers than I was in that moment. I wanted to jump into a Jcrew magazine and hide for a few days remembering what it was like to feel pretty.

Why?
Our culture screams HOPE IN JOBS, HOPE IN MONEY, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN BEAUTY, HOPE IN LUST, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN YOURSELF, HOPE IN "FREEDOM," HOPE IN FAME, HOPE IN YOUR FIGURE, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN THE AMERICAN DREAM, HOPE IN ALCOHOL, HOPE IN FUN, HOPE IN FRIENDS, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN ANYTHING(just not Jesus)  HOPE IN LIES.

They are all lies.

There is only ONE TRUE HOPE.

Christ ALONE.

It seams I am still stripped of  many of these ideals now, but as I immerse more and more back in my own culture it's inevitable changes will take place. I will (eventually?!) get a job that likely will pay money that likely turns into caring or at least being somewhat concerned about how presentable I am. In and of themselves these are not bad things I simply cannot put my hope in them, especially as I don't have them when the world says I "need" them. I have more hope than my circumstances because I have Christ, he is all in all. I remember that all these things are fleeting and offer us little of that zoomed in reality of Christ. This is why the devil uses those lies to hope in anything but Jesus. He wants us to loose sight of Christ altogether by jobs and money and clothes, and sadly we can. America, we have.

As I walk into my 24th year, jobless nearly penniless and with little idea of what this year holds all I can do is remember my Hope is in Christ alone. Our circumstances don't make hopeful people, we become hopeful people when we hope in Christ and not in this world.

As I remember the truths the Lord has pressed so deeply in my heart in my 23rd year I rest in his faithfulness for 24, for he alone is my hope.

"The Lord directs the steps of the Godly, he delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23

Allegory: Waterfalls

Close your eyes with me. Imagine yourself in a quaint little cabin on a large piece of land. You are distracted by something that at the moment seamed like the world- but as you look back now you cannot remember what it was you were doing and mostly why it was so important. You are sitting and it is still outside. The children have been fighting with their heavy eyelids fighting to stay open but alas, they fall into slumber. You are anxious but you don't know about what. It's a matter that will affect many people around you, many you care about and you feel a pressure to do something but you simply don't know what that something is, or even simply the next step to get to that something. Fear covers you like a blanket and you shutter. About the time you feel a loss of hope for the future, you hear it. The faint rush of something outside. It's small and still but it is there you are sure of it. You stand up and look out the window and that action alone sends anxiety coursing though your veins. You look back at your sleeping family and take a deep breath. The kind where you half breath half hold your breath. Suddenly you hear the sound again this time stronger and something inside says "find it, seek it out. watch and see what will happen."  You try to shake off the feeling but it overwhelms you so you give in. You step outside the cabin and start walking in the direction of the melodious beautiful sound that you can't quite make out now but you are sure it's attainable.

You walk toward the pitter patter that is out of reach you walk faster as you hear the rushing surges of water at each step you look forward with familiar anticipation of the ultimate refreshment even though you have never been to this part of the woods. You can't describe it but somehow the things you were anxious over melt away, your wandering heart become set on this one goal: reaching that beautiful sound and finding complete refreshment forever. You don't necessarily know what that looks like but somewhere along the way in your path to search out this sound you run into a man. 

He is kind, he says he can help you find your way as you seam to be in a hurry and the fall of dawn was upon you. You are fearful at first because you remember what has been said about strangers- especially strangers in the wilderness. However something in your spirit  is calmed in his presence and you are thankful he could lead you as you soon become weary from your venture. He calmly reminds you that just up ahead the wellspring is there. Its rushing water- that is the sound you have been hearing and you are even more determined to get there now that you know you could drink there... you will not waver nor turn back. You desire rest for your feet for you feel you have been walking for days, months, years maybe. You look up to the man beside you and he looks strong, able to easily carry you. When there is no more steps that you can physically take you ask the gentle man to take you into his arms to complete the journey and reach the water at last. He without hesitations mounts you upon his back and says some words that seam familiar but you can't place them He says confidently " Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."  You repeat them back to yourself as if they were once an old children's story you were fond of as you are being carried and are so relaxed you nearly fall asleep. 

Then you see it- up ahead there is a large mountain, bigger than you have ever seen. There falling off the precipice is the gushing gurgling most beautiful sight and sound of a magnificent waterfall. It seams too good to be true. You are nearly blinded by the light that is reflecting off each pass of water surge brought into a deep pool where  you rush to submerge your body. The refreshing cool covers your body and you take a large drink and it seams to quench every thirst you have ever had. You oddly remember this feeling as if it were a dream, one you may have had many, many years ago when a child.

You swim over to sit under the waterfall and you feel it suddenly envelop you-- Amazing Grace. This is the sound. This is it. All I've ever needed right here in the submission of the water to the pull of gravity carrying the splashes of water across the edges as if it's dancing just for you. And there He is, the man who guided us here holding those things in his hands. You don't quite know what to do as you watch his hands motion like a beautiful conductor- he gestures to the waves and whispers to the splashes. The bubbling of the wellspring below you warms your body in the most relaxing way. The gravity pulling each stream of water down, down, down into the pool screams of obedience they have to this man.  You suddenly burst into song, but you realize this song isn't to the cliff in which the water rushes down nor for the water that dances or the chorus it makes as it splashes all around you- it's for the maker alone.

You shout as loudly as you can " HE IS GOD, HE IS GOOD. STAND HERE- UNDER THIS WATERFALL-SEE GRACE LIKE NEVER BEFORE" as your breath breaks you mix your own tears in with the water and realize that all along that sound, the callings, the journey, even the neediness of being carried here was all for his praise. It's in his grace alone that you turned to follow the sound of Grace calling you no matter how faint the sound was and ran for the waterfall. Then when you where weary and could not go on the dark night of the soul enveloping you in ways you would rather not speak of as to bring you down, that was worth it too. The challenge in the journey and the fatigue is mixed with the emotion as Joy overflows. If we only were to look at the turmoil that is caused by the journey to finding the waters edge we would miss the grace in which it envelops. We would miss it altogether and the whole journey would be in vain. Only grace, by that man only Jesus Christ could possibly lead us to the abundant outpouring of his love, mercy, kindness, and favor. He desires for us all to run for this waterfall of his outpouring of perfect grace.

It does not end here.

Then just when you are filled with this complete peace and knowledge of what the waterfall means and how great the refreshment and fullness of a gift and blessing it is suddenly it stops flowing and you do not see the man. You are alone in the wilderness. "How can this be" you think? "How can the flow of grace streaming from above cease to cover me?" Was this just a dream and did I really with complete certainty experience this life changing refreshment and have I really been changed from it? How can the man that lead me here suddenly be gone without my seeing it at all. How can that be good? What is good again? You are forced to walk home only you can't find the way, you think it's this way, then that way and then you simply walk in circles.  You don't understand why such goodness could not last, why on earth could you experience complete and full feeling and now everything is simply grey.

Slowly or rather fast  depending on your perception of the time the memory of water makes you angry. Finally, you walk back to the place that you were when you first heard the rush of water faintly in the distance and sit. You sit in your anger and you let it rise within you, as if the waterfall owed you it's constant flow; you remember it so clearly but somehow it's lost its refreshment for your soul. You can't cling to what you don't know and you already sacrificed so much to find it - because when you left in search for the sound you left behind a mess and the memory comes back of what once was so important and built anxiety in your heart.

We all have to survive through the winter and thus you place the waterfall in the back of your mind as you bitterly go about your days of labor without even a sip from the spring. You cant even take a small break for the fear that you won't make it and since the water isn't anywhere to be found you build a big wall around your heart ever hearing of that following sound again. You loath even having to take a sip of tepid water in the fields as you remember flowing water from above and you glance at the birds in the air as they freely dance and eat and drink without a worry. You think, why can't it be that simple? Doesn't he care for me? ((YES, CHILD!)) The brink of desperation sets in and the crop is failing- winter will be longer than you can provide for and suddenly your crying out for ANYTHING. You think the man who lead you to the waterfall has abandoned you and even in your time of need he won't come so why bother to ask him for help, so you don't. A little ounce of you wishes he would come to save you even without asking just to prove you wrong but mostly because you need to live and eat and function.

Then you hear again the faint trickle of water and your heart skips a beat- you don't quite know what to do. Leaving now and running to the water would only put you farther behind in your important  work to stay alive and for what? For the water to dry up and care little to continue flowing for your livelihood. You are distraught as you remember the wonderful refreshment that is the crystal clear waters jumping off the cliff as if it was their soul joy in life to do so. That thought now pains your heart and you aren't able to hear the sound any longer. Just as you want you push out the sound and dig deeper your own grave.

The man comes to your house so that you might be lead back to this place, but in your stubbornness  when you see him coming and he kindly greets you with a wave: you turn and run to close the door and lock it. The man gently knocks, you claim that you are far too busy to go on some hike to see a waterfall and even if you were not busy you certainly where not going with him after all he has done to not make you prosper and "left you alone."The man knocks again on the door and slowly says "I never left you nor have I forsaken you, and I never will." You toss the words about in your head and they begin to soothe your soul but the calluses on your heart need more wearing down in order to open the door. He reminds you "while you were away and anxious, I was preparing a place for you." You still don't believe him but wish you could then he begins again. "I have knit you together in your mothers womb I know your innermost being." "Maybe that is why he is being so patient with me" you think but still something pings in your mind to stay and work not to follow this man. You are caught between your burdens and your desires.  You remind yourself where your desires lead you last time... up the river and with a long hike back home to the tasks you have neglected.

Then you hear a faint whisper though the door "come follow me" you feel like yelling now because you are so conflicted but you stomp your foot and clench your fists instead. You don't want to let go of the wrong that has been done to you by submitting to that voice again. After all when you got back from that lovely journey you weren't able to plant anything in the field because it was past the season for planting, so you were behind all your neighbors. You finally planted everything but had to battle to remember that rainy season was over so you hoped it would rain but it never came- you were simply late. Your crops shriveled and died around the time everyone was harvesting. You have no way of providing for your family. You are mad,  and say to the man at the door "If only I hadn't gotten so distracted, I would be fine... I wouldn't have to scramble." That's when the man at the door says, " no matter your effort, this crop was going to fail ... but it's not because I am not good, follow me and see." At this point you are so exhausted from fighting and hurting and you are realizing that you simply won't be able to make it past this winter either way so you step toward the door. Once step, then two and you stop.

You stop and instantly remember that surge of grace falling on you in the waterfall of his hands. How? Because he is good after all you suppose even with hurt in your heart you somehow can feel his goodness.

You take another step and open the door. He isn't mad because he had to wait for so long, or because you were defiant in following him...he knows the flood of grace covers that too. He simply invites you to follow him and so in the quiet of your heart you say "yes" even though so much of your brain and flesh says "no." He starts you off at a slow pace just like before, then a faster walk, then just as you thought you were there you take an unexpected turn. You look at him inquisitively. He simply continues you down that path farther and farther away from the waterfall. He places you under a cider tree and calls you to rest in his hands.  You don't question him as you are very tired from the journey so you fall into a slumber in mere seconds. While you were sleeping the man leaves. You wake panicked, How can this be? He called me once, left me dry...came and called me again and now he is nowhere in sight. "I know I should have stayed" you think. Then you hear a voice, you can't fully understand from where but it simply said "follow the sound" and instantly you remember that gurgling joyful splashing from the mountain top into the pool of grace once again.

You look up with determination as you know your mission. You listen carefully and somewhere far in the distance you hear the sound again. It very well could have been there the whole time but you were so set on not hearing you simply couldn't make it out. You rise to your feet and start walking. The closer you get your pace quickens. Your face turns from mournful to joyful, you simply cant help but smile nearly laughing. You run full speed when you see the man again, standing at waters edge. He greets you with open arms and lifts the water to your parched lips. You nearly knock him down with excitement and he isn't ashamed of your near undignified praise at his feet. You thank him for his small voice that lead you to him. He says "well done good and faithful servant." You ponder that statement and recall how little faith and goodness you were being, but then you suddenly are enveloped by the waterfall again and remember the glory of which they speak of him. You remember he pour of Grace... this is why he calls me good and faithful, because of his grace. You are even more joyous than before and you didn't think that was possible. In the mist of the water pouring over you in perfect Grace you turn to the man, fix your eyes on his face and ask " when will this run dry, and what am I to do with my fields and for the winter."

He catches your words like the pools catch the graceful fall of water from the tops of the mountain and he tells you "Child, I simply moved the flowing water for what is best for you, for the greater joy of your soul. I needed for your fields to fail so that you would follow me and move to where the waters surge again. If ever the water is to cease falling the waterfall is awaiting you in a new place, but trust me it never runs dry." You look to him confused. You ask, "How could you let me walk away from the waterfall before?"  He replies, " Dear child I was there pointing you in the direction but you looked up with such anger at the water's end you simply could not see me. I came to lead you back, so that you may receive what is abundant life but you must understand my ways are not your ways." You slowly are awakened to the reality of the Kingdom of God and the treasures being stored up in heaven. With every move to a new waterfall of grace, no matter how difficult, even if it costs much it's worth the eternal treasure. The blessings flow and the grace of the splashing waters surround so you are covered. You are lead by the movement of the water and if it says stay or go. You obey because you know the maker of the eternal well and are reminded:

"The LORD will always lead you, satisfy you in a parched land, and strengthen your bones. You will be like a watered garden and like a spring whose waters never run dry."

This was inspired by a small line from a sermon by John Piper from 2002 the line reads " I tell people to stand under the waterfall of grace, and if it moves you follow it."

Beautiful Suffering

Last year a good friend of mine was going though a really difficult struggle in her life. I sympathized with her heartache but simply didn't know how to comfort her other than pointing her back to Jesus- because he does a far better job being compassionate than I ever have or ever will. I do remember during my prayer time for her I asked the Lord to just give me a glimpse of her pain, her plight. I wanted to understand more fully because I cared for her enough to want to share in suffering with her just to be able to identify more with the nature of her heart.

That's the thing about Love- It's willing to suffer just to get closer to your heart. It's willing to want to go deeper in pain and suffer on behalf of relating to you. After all- that's what Jesus did, that's why he came. He came to suffer in hopes that we would see how his suffering related to our lives- that his sacrifice had everything to do with his Love and compassion but that's not the end of the story.
The suffering our savior encountered on that cross -ONCE AND FOR ALL- (Read that again) gave us power. His power, the same power that Raised Jesus from the dead now lives in us if we Trust Jesus with our lives.

 "I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms." Eph 1:19-20 

So if we have this power, how can we begin to understand how to use it... What to do with it? First the revelation of this power should not allow us to boast in ourselves rather in the giver of life. We must remember in his death and baptism we died with him, and in his resurrection we will rise with him in new life in his righteousness. ((Romans 6)) Now, no longer do our stains of sin seep though the surface because we have a robe of righteousness that covers and that robe is the Suffering of Christ. 

So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin. 1peter 4:1 

So it turns out not only do we have power over death, we have power over sin! The Lord has been gently reminding me of this fact lately. I know my life has been splattered with sin's signature stink and I continue to need an abundance of Grace which Jesus is so gracious to present to me, but it doesn't end there. His signature is one of grace and love beyond all compare - it cannot be revoked if our hearts are postured toward the son.

We are victorious over sin. That doesn't mean we won't ever sin rather it's our posture. We can claim victory over sin that has dragged us down into the pits more than once. The sins we hide and push away-- ashamed that an evil can exist as such in our hearts- so we "run" from God and "hide" our failings.

He gives us a way out, a way for sinners- A victory over those secret things- Over the failures that we can hardly verbalize. He has given us this because he loves us. He suffered so that we would have VICTORY over such things.

 "Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Romans 8:37 

This past week I was reminded about these secret things by our very own Moto driver here. He had been acting off lately so I pulled him over and asked (In broken Creole mind you) if he would share with me what was bothering him. He went on this whole long explanation about how everyone has secrets and that he simply could not share with me. I reminded him that even if he could not share those secret things with me he can share those things with Jesus because he already knows what's going on in his heart. I was praying he could understand how the victory of Jesus was meant to give us victory as well though the burden being poured out onto Jesus-- It's great news!

I've recently been faced with an Idol that I had NO idea that existed in my heart. I was so burdened that in the face of this sin I took it to the father and he called me to fast.... Only I failed. I heard the Lord say I was to fast and seek his face and starve the Idol in my heart but I turned again from his precious face and into the arms of the Idol I fed. Such heartache I encountered. I am grateful that he picks us up from our heartache and turns us to the father who says look to my son.

 "For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day." John 6:40 

That heartache was such as when I was suffering not long ago as a response to my prayer nearly a year earlier to experience some of my friends suffering. I realized amidst the trial that this struggle was to open my eyes and give me compassion not just for my friend but also for a sliver of the suffering encountered on the cross. It certainly doesn't compare, but remembering his suffering for my freedom and victory gave me hope that this desert would become an opportunity to share in Christ's death and resurrection. It's a strange thing to feel so convicted, lost, deserted then remember with great grace- this must have been the tip of the iceberg of what Christ felt for us all that day he was lead to Calvary. <He must increase I must decrease> As for my Idol, the battle isn't over I am afraid I will fight that until the day I meet the one who suffered on our behalf but I do have great confidence in his blood's power in my life as I claim victory over sin. All sin, "small sin" ugly sin, hidden sin, blatant sin, comforting sin, sins of omission, sins of commission, sins of old, any and all sin. I remember that sin does not have the final word. He already spoke those words....

                                 "It is FINISHED" John 19:29-30

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Holy Smoke!

Nearly twice a week I walk between the two houses we rent when James our groundskeeper is burning trash, normally the thought going though my head while I hold my breath sounds something like this "great, this has got to be SO healthy for me and all my neighbors, breathing in toxins...excellent (sarcasm)."

This had been my attitude as I saw the smoke rising for several months. I would see it and look on in disgust. I don't need to paint a picture for you how it smelt or looked, it was not a pretty sight. It is trash after all.

Then one day I was walking the opposite way I normally do when I came upon the smoke, and although I was still holding my breath, it was for another reason altogether. I saw the most enchanting beams of light streaming down into our backyard, so bright and excellent I couldn't just ignore it. It was as if a bit of heaven desired to meet earth. The beams of light so excellent and beautifully placed by the creator as if it was some kind of beautiful show he was putting on just for me, a majestic image bearing show. They shot down from the sky so deliberately placed I almost fell over myself running to grab my camera. The light beams danced, and my heart turned over the thought of his symbolism waiting to be discovered around every corner including a large trash heap burning.  These beams of light were only visible in the right direction and the smoke only enhanced the bright intoxicating light to behold. However, you could be walking the wrong direction and miss the light all together...continuing to be disgusted by the smoke.

The smoke is necessary.
The fire that burns our trash is meant to make light visible.
We are image bearers of Christ, so we take out the trash that doesn't reflecting this.
Set a flame, watch it burn, see the smoke and embrace the light.


It's crazy how the Lord strikes a match in our hearts and sets ablaze to our worldliness though his word.
He points to the glorious light that is just waiting to be seen when he sets flames to the trash in our hearts. So much is waiting to be consumed in order to enhance the light, we must we willing to be put though the flame and breathe the smoke to see the light.

"Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as Holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work."

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:20-22

Suddenly that burning trash smell filled up my heart and I was humbled.
I need to take out the trash of what is dishonorable and seek to be a vessel for honorable use.
It's as if the winds changed and lifted up the burden of the rotting flesh when we run towards the steams of light. The smoke no longer bothers us, we run briskly into righteousness, faith, love and peace.

I don't know what your trash is, but he does.
He wants you to take it out not only because it's rotting,
but because he desires to shine light all the more brightly.


STREAMS of mercy never ceasing. Songs of loudest praise.
The steams of light beams remind me of his mercy.

When we see sin in us, and set a flame to it out of obedience to the merciful one.
We are given mercy. He is patient. He is long-suffering.

Through any and all sin he desires to set flames, build the billowing smoke so that the light beams may shoot out deliberately reaching the world. The lost world needs the signal of smoke to see the light often, when we are transparent about what our sin is and how we are killing it, we are being set apart as Holy.

There is a difference between knowing OF the Holy one, and knowing the Holy one that we desire to be made Holy as well even though we know good and well of the smoke that must rise.

Today I rejoiced in a good friend's symbol of smoke. He had given his life to Christ several months ago but found himself in a way of life much like his old life. He hadn't been convicted of this area to be made Holy yet but this weekend he did! He told us instead of going out like he did every weekend to party that instead he stayed home and prayed. He couldn't exactly explain why be he did indicate he had a peace and felt like the Lord was really doing a work, and that he enjoyed it much more than going out after all. Did you see the smoke? It may be subtle, but it was there. Billows of sin rising as we daily decide to be obedient. He has seen the first of his smoke, but there is certainly more to come as he is made into a honorable vessel.

Smoke may not be something people are attracted to naturally, but when you have seen the light and know it's source you will happily set a flame to be made in his likeness again and again, clothed in his righteousness.

This process of taking out the trash in our lives is meant to refine us, sanctify, keep us clean.
Helping us to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel and surrender to the one who cleans us.

The smoke may not look pretty, because after all it is trash.
But the steams of LIGHT, image bearing LIGHT are all the brighter when the smoke has lifted.
Set Apart as HOLY.

Broken, Refined, Found:

There is just something about sea glass that I love. Its texture, speckled cloudy color, various shapes and sizes, but mostly the search.

It's seeking them out among the rubble that I love. Like a ruby amidst rubbish, a diamond in the rough, a beautiful pearl in an oyster. Like a great treasure to be found, waiting to be admired by the right pair of eyes. I assume many walk past these pieces of beauty everyday and miss the hidden jewels.

Today as I was so blessed to be walking along the beach I set out to round up these beauties, searching for my gems. Each time I spot one my heart does a little dance, it leaps about as I watch them glimmering in the sun just waiting for me to behold them and call them precious.

As the sea rose and fell I went about my search, scanning the sand filled with debris, rocks and trash hopeful to find the pieces that make my heart dance so. Just as the father seeks us out, searches our souls and is hopeful for our obedience to his calling. We make his heart dance as he is forever constantly seeking out his treasure.

You see there is something unique about sea glass that I find so beautiful. The process starts with a bottle or other glass product that was tossed to the wayside, not even given a second thought by the littering party - discarded as useless, broken, and lacking any potential.  As the pieces of glass sit on the beach they wait, waiting for the tide to wash them, to cleanse them. They are vulnerable to the power of the wave and the nature of the tide. They must wait to be refined, they must submit to the power of the waves beyond them. The tumbling begins in its timing and starts refining the piece. Taking what was once sharp shards of glass and polishing them, making them soft and smooth as they toss about the sea and the rocks. This process occurs over and over. Large pieces become small, and what was once jagged becomes soft. It has been refined. 

We all, like sea glass need refining and begin in the same nature. In order to be refined we must first be broken. Broken to sin, to the weight of our separation from the perfection we cannot attain. He reveals our sharp edges and we fall away to the wayside over our very broken nature. We wait then for the maker, for his tide of love and peace to overwhelm our hearts. As we discover his greatness we are flooded with a certainty that this refining may actually have a purpose. We may be made new. We first wait for the tide, waiting for the Lord to take our vulnerable hearts and mend, bring together broken pieces and make them whole for renewal. Then we must go though the tumbling, the tossing of the sea over the rocks, waiting for the tide as it naturally rises we await our renewal. This does not just occur once however, but a continual breaking, waiting, refining is in process.  It's not just a once time dip in the ocean that will make us new, but a constant repeating edifying, edge softening, daily tossing with hope to me made more like Jesus. The tide never stops, it is always faithful and comes to work on our broken pieces, we must submit. We are just as vulnerable as that small piece of glass yet with the hope of a future to live to know the maker and eternally sing of his worthy name! We are but broken jagged pieces waiting to be broken, refined, found this is the process. Praise God for the process. 

Sometimes I like to think God sees us as I see sea glass. Beautiful in each their own way. No matter their amount of refining that has occurred or needs to occur. Calling them precious in his sight because they are vulnerable to the sea being obedient in the washing. Seeing the beauty in the ashes and watching the process refine his beloved. He picks us out among the rocks and trash and calls us beautiful even if our edges still require tossing. He sees the beauty in the making even when we aren't willing to be refined. He watches with joy as we toss about in the water, submitting to his will. He sings over us when we are made in his likeness and  are being softened to his will and way.  He calls us out among the rubbish and takes us though the storm with him, never alone. He feels the toss just as we do but knows of the renewal he has in mind. He sees the big picture, the mosaic he is creating. We are transformed and made new by his very hands and vulnerable to his power and thankful in the refining of our broken pieces. I pray I no longer look at what is broken in my heart in a way that shames me but rather a way that allows for softening to occur, for transformation by refining power by the maker.

When I don't understand missing pieces...why Children go without food...why Abuse continues it's cycle...why Evil is so persistent and taunting I am thankful for the tossing of a wave in remembrance that He makes all things new!

That which was broken, those who are poor of this world he also chooses to be heirs in the kingdom. Thanks be to God that he takes what the world casts out and calls rubbish and draws it to himself. He calls out the broken pieces to be made new and vulnerable to the refining process. Far exceeding our expectations Lord, as we will one day understand the refining he lavished on us in grace.

Today I am thankful for the process. For refining, for the search our Lord does to make us new. I'm thankful that we have hope and a future because of the promise our savior secured for us on the cross and in his resurrection.

He was beaten so we could be broken.

He was nailed so we can be refined.

He died so there could be a process that we may be made new in his name.

He was risen so we can be found.

The once crystal clear glass becomes cloudy in the process, in the tossing and refining - the beautiful process.  Let us embrace what has been broken in order to be made new and with thanksgiving praise him where we are in the tumbling of our sharp edges. We were made in his perfect image and when we cracked due to our sin we should have been tossed by the wayside, seen as useless and lacking no potential. Thankfully our fathers beautiful plan picks up the broken pieces and creates a new way to watch the beauty break on the shore. No matter the difficulty of life here, the tossing, the constant thrashing of trial I must love the process. I must remember he makes all things new, even if I can't see it or don't understand it. And I'll say it again, He makes all things new.

Power Struggle?

I tossed and turned. Exhausted from a full day of living and working in Haiti. Well aware that I could not sleep, for there was something in the room that persisted. My prayers were earnest, I demanded the enemy to leave in the name of my savior, Jesus Christ. The enemy persisted. This world is under the "prince of the power of the air" and there was certainly something in the air that demanded my attention. The verse below tossed about in my head.

"We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.
And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols." -1John 5:19-21

At around 2:35 AM I sat straight up and was so aware of an unwanted presence that I prayed... Prayed... and prayed. I was almost fooled into believing maybe "I wasn't praying hard enough, or with enough faith?" or maybe it was this half awake half sleep haze that I was caught in, but I certainly felt caught. 

Exhaustion overwhelmed as I layed back down. Not even 20 minutes later I sat up again, only this time I dramatically looked down at my wrist where I felt a pressure. As I looked down I saw that my bracelet (which was very dear to me, given to me by a sweet friend) that happened to be metal in the shape of a cross had literally broken in half... just like that. The enemy sure did hate to see that symbol of remembrance. Now, I wasted no time rationalizing this in pretending that what just happened didn't, I took the bracelet threw it across the room as a "that's enough" type of move. I was serious.

I knew then, I wouldn't sleep that night.

I got my computer out that really needed to be charged and listened to a podcast I had loaded earlier. The sermon that God divinely lead me to talked about how salvation was bigger than we could ever know about and how in Christ we have been "delivered from the dominion of darkness." (Col. 1:13)

I had a lot of questions that night that challenged me such as: 

• If we have been delivered from darkness how can I be attacked?
• I knew I could not be harmed, but I wrestled with God who was allowing this experience to occur. 
• How could I be both delivered and in the mist of darkness as I felt that night?

The devil is the ruler of this world. He holds power. A dark power.
Don't believe me? Look for yourself: John 12:31, John 14:30, John 16:11

I wondered how many times this reality has actually crossed my mind before. I know my God has power; incredible, jaw dropping, blind seeing, cripple walking, deaf herding, Christ rising type of power... but had I actually thought about satan as one who holds power in this world?  That power being far from equal,  but power none the less.

I was being sifted as peter was, like wheat. 

This was how I rationalized my experience. The Lord wanted me to not only be sifted but to experience    the darkness that is real and active in this community. I recalled what I had done the night all of this happened. I was upstairs at Megan's house, after I said goodnight to everyone right before I left I paused to say a prayer over their house of the Lord's protection. That night I learned that sometimes, God does not extend his protection because he gives permission.  

I was reminded that the Devil has to ask permission from our sovereign God before any experience that night or any other could ever occur. Because although the devil has power here....He Has a HIGHER power he must report to. Maybe all of this sifting was to violently separate lies from truth in this community and reveal beautiful revelation that God's glory ALWAYS stands. I'm okay with that. Let the wheat be sifted, because when it is finished there lies manna. Daily bread.

Above lies, his truth shines.

Beyond culture, he sovereignly placed you admits that culture. That's for his Glory too.

Within our brokenness, he brings beauty from the ashes.

We just have to allow him to work in all things (and I mean ALL) in order to see clearly the Lords purposes.

As I faced the enemy as I did that night I saw the darkness that encompasses this country. Not just Haiti, but the entire world. The manifestation may look different, but the one with the power in this world is the same, he uses all the same deceitful tactics all around the world and we maybe have grown so accustom to blaming such things on "culture" rather than calling the enemy out on his ploy.

That excuse of culture happens over and over here. Lies are so widely believed here as truth because of the deception the devil has placed on this land. Even believers here have a hard time deciphering truth from (Haitian) proverb, and proverb from scripture. 

Then I  ran across Psalm92:6-8  and I was refreshed.

"The senseless man does not know, fools do not understand the wicked spring up like grass and all evildoers flourish, they will be forever destroyed. But you , O Lord are exalted forever." 

We may live in a world where the power is in the hands of evil, but we know who will be exalted on the final days. I know who will forever reign as my Lord, my King!

Evil may be all around us in this world. But God is still Good, and he ALWAYS will be.

Magnified Gratitude

Have you ever walked into an experience totally oblivious to how God might reveal something to you? It happens to me pretty frequently, mostly because I am too focused on my own thoughts in order to see what God is prompting. He softly says, “Look child I have a sight for you, not seen by your eyes but your heart.” (2 Cor 5:7) I wiped tears in the small cemented room God so sovereignty placed me in for less than 5 minutes yesterday.

I had heard God’s stirring in my heart to start a Respire Haiti Photo blog I began praying about who God wanted me to photograph first, he continued to place Fifi- our incredible housekeeper on my heart. I had watched how she praises the lord for all things big and small. As I talked over photographing Fifi with Megan she expanded on her sweet thankful spirit explaining that every pay-day when she receives her money she immediately raises her hands and repeats “merci jezi” (Thank you Jesus) over and over. So many instances I have found Fifi praising the Lord, doing laundry, dishes, cleaning I wouldn't even be surprised if she was worshiping our God even when she was in the bathroom. Oh how her spirit radiates pure thanksgiving to our Lord.

For nearly a week I had told Fifi I wanted to come home with her to photograph her there, she would joyfully respond “pa gen pwoblem”. I finally got my opportunity yesterday around 5:30 it had just finished raining and I saw she was carrying quite a load so I helped carry some of her items home.

As I scan though the photos I took, one stood out. She had just opened her door – freshly painted light blue and the joy on her face just radiates. As she walked into the house she did something I was familiar with her doing- lifting her hands in praise and thanking the Lord. I had walked home with Fifi once last summer to help her carry some things and I remembered how the Lord made me take a breath after I realized what she was doing. She was praising the Lord for her four walls, no matter their condition just pure praise. Sure by our standards it may look like she didn't have anything to praise over because she had no electricity, no running water (she took her daily supply from our house) a small bed that felt more like wood two by fours stacked together, yet she was thankful. My heart took a step back that moment last year and again in that moment yesterday to catch my breath for such beautiful thankfulness.

She offered me the only chair she had in her home to sit on as per cultural norm I sat and thanked her. Suddenly I realized I wasn't actually here to photograph her, God had something bigger for my heart to learn.  I snapped a few photos but wasn't actually concentrated because I was overwhelmed by how much my heart was seeing. Fifi was settling a few things on her bedside table as the tears welled up into my eyes, I had been so concentrated for the last month on all that I did not have (comforts of home, simple foods like cheese, the ability to just call a friend) that I didn't see the tremendous blessings he had before me. I was missing it altogether and in that moment in her house I realized my foolishness and was so thankful for God’s grace. I wiped my tears fast out of fear that she may see my tears and due to the language barrier didn't want her to think I was crying over her circumstance. She had abundantly more than enough maybe not by the world’s standards but certainly in Christ. She then informed me that she was going to a prayer meeting at the church and invited me. I respectably declined as I need to get home because it was getting late.

 My heart was so filled upon leaving her home that I took my sweet time walking home reflecting on the gracious heart that I had just encountered and prayed my heart would in turn become transformed by Christ in the manner God molded Fifi’s.  The sun was setting and I was thankful for the stillness of the town after a rain, for the cool breeze regardless the temperature, for the simple sweet glances from children as I passed, for the meal I was arriving home to. In that moment my heart was beginning to shed the thoughts of my flesh and taking new shape in gratitude and thanksgiving for all things that lie before me, I just needed to take the time to see with my heart as the Lord prompted into eternity.Magnified gratitude. Magnified thanksgiving. Magnified Christ in all circumstances. He holds all things together; I remember and breathe in a new understanding of peace.

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Atrux is finally in Haiti !

I cannot express how much peace and contentment I felt going up the mountain the first night back at home. I was in Haiti. Finally, after praying...seeking...waiting...waiting...waiting and mostly trusting; I was home.

Three hundred and sixty four days after I wept getting on a plane to leave this country I was now weeping that God’s provision and plan was so good, perfect and excellent beyond what I could have imagined for myself.

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” -Lamentations 3:25

He was so good to my soul because right as I took my first steps on the mountain my heart was even more filled when *john* began running at me from ridiculously far away. He never slowed down, only continued running faster and faster yelling my name over and over. I ran toward him and hugged him telling him I never wanted to let go and I missed him! His precious smile welcomed me back home on that mountain and I couldn't have dreamed it any better.

Our God is a God of homecomings. He is running at us full speed ahead yelling your name awaiting a greeting of love. He dances at the sight of obedience and delights in our joy for following his commands.

However something I wasn’t prepared for when I arrived back in Haiti was things I had forgotten. I was constantly focused on the things I remembered most about Haiti because I was looking forward to those things, yet so much I had forgotten.

Our God never forgets, even when we do.

I had so easily forgotten what happened a year ago, people I met, names that somehow have slipped though my less than perfect memory and a language I could once understand. I reminded myself to have grace over my initial days in Haiti and continue to pray for memory and resolve. Thankfully the Lord filled my heart with contentment to finally be here and that’s what matters most because my memory may fail but my God never will. However, please continue to pray for my memory!

On Saturday Rita, Sharon and I went to the market and upon our return I ran into two beautiful women I had taught in English class last summer. They lit up when they saw me, YELLING my name. Initially I was upset I could not place their names in my mind yet then I remembered the Lord allowed me to remember their sweet faces and that was enough for me. There is grace.

Yesterday I was reading Ann Voskamp’s blog and this quote stood out to me:

“Peace is a Person. No one can steal Peace from you. And nothing can steal you from Him”

That truth became real when I realized that it wasn’t just finally being in Haiti that has given me peace, it wasn’t seeing familiar faces and being embraced by children I truly loved in every way I knew how. It was Christ. Peace is certainly a person and that person was a Son to be killed for my sin. That person suffered in flesh yet rose to new life. That person fills my every breath and peace is within it. I’m okay forgetting a few things; I’ m also okay adjusting to a drastically new world in peace only because I know the peacemaker himself.  He is the prince of peace.

How good is our God that we may know peace because we know him.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16.33

-ATrux (FINALLY) in Haiti

I am NOT Naive; A Surrender

For a few weeks a thought has popped into my head almost everyday that I can't quite shake.
"Am I naive?" "Do I really think I can do this whole moving to Haiti thing?"
I have been walking into this thought somewhat blindly, as if I can brush off this overwhelming feeling of something bigger in my heart bubbling up. I know what the devil wants me to do with this thought and if it's as he has planned he will have a field day. I've got to tell you too, that he has tried very hard to use these lies against me in order for fear to overtake my heart. HE WON'T PREVAIL.

The lies continued to flow all from that one thought;

"You can't do this"
"You aren't prepared"
"See, you aren't working hard enough to prepare... you can't be that dumb."
"Are you really blindly going into this?"

^How ugly is that?
Twisting my saviors sweet time of rest before I do the work set before me come august.

I'm not going to lie, battling all these lies hasn't been a walk in the park.
I've spent more time defeated in these lies than I would like to tell you about...many days and nights fighting sin and hurts specifically brought up with the purpose of drowning me in the reality of my own flesh. I AM HUMAN, my God loves me still. (Can I get an Amen?) I fell, turned around and I surrendered and he swallowed me up with his tremendous flood of grace and love. I don't deserve one ounce of this love, but he so tenderly loves us. Even in our sin, even in our hurt, in the middle of a storm he wants our surrender so he can fill us and remind us that he has control. Why would I ever worry or be defeated so easily for my saviors embrace reminded me that I am not alone, he will be working all things together for my good.

I may be naive to think that I can do it alone, sure. But I am not. He is with me always even until the end of the age (Matt 28:20). It's a promise, and God doesn't break his promises. NEVER, EVER.

I may also be naive to think I don't need to prepare, sure. But he is preparing me in the best way possible. My heart. The first place I need to prepare is my own heart, not lesson plans, nor any packing of a suitcase can fill me the way my savior is preparing a place in my heart for his work to be done. You can't buy that kind of peace, you cant muster up enough effort or know-how or even skill to face giants in life, we simply hold onto the hope of our Lord and trust with all we have.

To others it may sound naive that I am not taking "necessary precautions" but I know my God has it all in his hands, and no amount of worry will change that. No amount of preparations or precautions can make any instance better if all he desires for me is to trust him.

My heart must be willing to be taught, and I know that this is only the beginning. He is going to teach me so much in the coming months that I cannot begin to feel overwhelmed; therefore the beautiful lesson here as it always is "My daughter Trust me, I hold all things together and I will never let go of you, ever!" Rest in that truth.

I have been reading a book sweetly given to me by a stranger (I can call her a sister ) called kisses from Katie written by a sweet young girl who moved to Uganda following God's will. This excerpt really hit it home for me.

" 'Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle.' People repeat this frequently, I head it when I was growing up and I hear it now. It is meant to be a source of encouragement, and it would be if it were true.

But I don't.

I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and he takes over, proving himself by doing the impossible in our lives." -Katie Davis

I am blown away by how true this statement is for my life. I can't believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle because he desires to prove himself to us in his passionate pursuit of his children. Because he loves us and wants to display his sovereign rule. He was sovereign over the devil attacking me, and has grace for my flesh or any failing I may do in the process in pursuit of  his will. He will always be sovereign, he will always want to rescue us from ourselves and the devil; that's his nature that's his love in motion....he simply can't contain himself.

 Even when circumstances feel unstable, our God is the one holding that unstable platform under our feet building with faith, love, and trust that He always has and always will be holding us up. Put your hand on your chest, do you feel the oxygen entering your lungs, he holds even this breath right now in his hands. He is even more visible in the crumbling of our plans, expectations, and strength the first step to visibly seeing his work in our lives is surrender. Without our surrender, we simply are standing (or falling, rather) on our own.. We can either have victory in our own hands as a champion and be filled with pride (news flash: that victory wasn't on your own accord) or become defeated in life by circumstances, sin, or the brokenness of the world and we are buried in our own workmanship and beat ourselves up for our foolishness and human character. Either way pride is in the way, we have to surrender our pride with brokenness before the father and plead for his help. We already have someone pleading for us on our behalf, he is our advocate.(1John 2:1) Jesus Christ entire existence life, death and Resurrection is your plead. His grace fights our case and we can see clearly though his scars the impossible can be done only through God because with God all things are possible. (Mark 10:27).

I won't be foolish in believing lies that I am not enough, because the world wants me to believe the impossible isn't possible...but God is with me so that is proof enough for me to trust him. Christ will always be enough!

Where are you still fighting giants on your own accord and succeeding or failing yet still blind to the mighty one who saves? I challenge you to search your heart and surrender what lies inside your flesh lacking complete surrender to the Lord. He is ready to receive this surrender with his son's beautiful grace awaiting your cry. I pray for you as Paul did for the church in Ephesus;

"That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,  may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." Eph 3:16-19

Thanks for reading; feel free to let me know how I can be praying for you!

-ATrux(almost) in haiti