24- Hope

Tonight, on the eve of my 24th Birthday the Lord lead me to reflect on this past year.

I remember sitting in my bunk bed in Haiti this exact evening late into the wee hours of the morning doing just this last year. Crying out to the Lord and thanking him for his faithfulness in my life. Thanking him that he had brought me to a place where all things were stripped away from the very clutter filled lives we live in America. Zoomed in on his work, his hands, and his feet becoming those in action. Capturing moments of his grace in every pain, and his joy even from our sorrows. Focusing deeply upon the Hope at which rests at his feet.

Hope in Christ ALONE. nothing else.

Not in Jobs {Just in Christ}
Not in Money {Just in Christ}
Not in Beauty {Just in Christ}
Not in Fame {Just in Christ}
Not in Pride {Just in Christ}
Not in People {Just in Christ}
Not in (dare i say it) Art {Just in Christ}

As I reflect on those revelations I had at this exact time last year I nearly had a breakdown at the perpetual quicksand like motion at witch I have been moving in the states. I realized how one by one those things had been trying to invade where my hope lies just a month home. The expectations I placed on myself were unrealistic and in a lot of ways worldly in order to "look, move, act, be"  like everyone else in "my stage(whatever that is) in" this life. I couldn't put my finger on the pressure I felt- even when "no one" was forcing me, culture was. Expectations for a 24 year old here look different than my life in Haiti, and having lived in a 3rd world country for an extended period of time does not fit into those expectations. I wanted to hide. Go back to life in America but not face the culture that is in America- Impossible.

It was frightening to realize how quickly we conform again to the patterns of our worlds. My world had been simplicity and difficulty mixed into little comfort with a lot of love, all of a sudden it's a shifting burden of worldliness smack dab in my face. Coming back into a culture where we are told our Jobs define us --I don't have one. Those Jobs afford us leisure our money can buy-- that I have in limited supply as well. Beauty in high fashion and making yourself to be "pulled together" screams "CULTURE SHOCK" for me. I was alarmingly so caught off guard by that in the airport; not even on american soil for an hour looking in the mirror suddenly feeling my face naked next to the layers piled on the next girl. After a year of wearing only Nike shorts and tee shirts I didn't exactly remember how to coordinate so I realize my outfit was certainly not "cute" and I'm pretty sure I saw more self assured middle schoolers than I was in that moment. I wanted to jump into a Jcrew magazine and hide for a few days remembering what it was like to feel pretty.

Why?
Our culture screams HOPE IN JOBS, HOPE IN MONEY, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN BEAUTY, HOPE IN LUST, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN YOURSELF, HOPE IN "FREEDOM," HOPE IN FAME, HOPE IN YOUR FIGURE, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN THE AMERICAN DREAM, HOPE IN ALCOHOL, HOPE IN FUN, HOPE IN FRIENDS, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN ANYTHING(just not Jesus)  HOPE IN LIES.

They are all lies.

There is only ONE TRUE HOPE.

Christ ALONE.

It seams I am still stripped of  many of these ideals now, but as I immerse more and more back in my own culture it's inevitable changes will take place. I will (eventually?!) get a job that likely will pay money that likely turns into caring or at least being somewhat concerned about how presentable I am. In and of themselves these are not bad things I simply cannot put my hope in them, especially as I don't have them when the world says I "need" them. I have more hope than my circumstances because I have Christ, he is all in all. I remember that all these things are fleeting and offer us little of that zoomed in reality of Christ. This is why the devil uses those lies to hope in anything but Jesus. He wants us to loose sight of Christ altogether by jobs and money and clothes, and sadly we can. America, we have.

As I walk into my 24th year, jobless nearly penniless and with little idea of what this year holds all I can do is remember my Hope is in Christ alone. Our circumstances don't make hopeful people, we become hopeful people when we hope in Christ and not in this world.

As I remember the truths the Lord has pressed so deeply in my heart in my 23rd year I rest in his faithfulness for 24, for he alone is my hope.

"The Lord directs the steps of the Godly, he delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23

Send Your Light and Truth

We were sitting in the dark, defending the blood of Christ...explaining the beauty of Grace.

The conversation bolted from sanctification to justification and back and forth again... agreements were made, yet the truth that was poured out covered only the visible portion of the iceberg of confusion and lies covered up in a disguised version of truth.

Something bubbled up in me that I wasn't familiar with. I felt a rage, this unexplainable feeling not because of the pointed discussion that had now become a group effort to explain but because I felt the oppression. Deep, sticky, thick oppression. Beliefs that are so engrained in culture here that even if  individuals believe to have found the way and the truth the devil has TWISTED it, formed in a way that light is not penetrating. Lost dark "truth's." My heart broke because the Lord revealed to me that moment this is what so many battle, that "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12)  Living in darkness unable to see a glimmer of light. The devil stealing at every chance, and oppressing to hide the truth. "The devil knows the truth and means to lie." (Beth Moore, Mercy Triumphs)

Earlier that week I had meditated on Psalm 43 and was enamored by verse 3 

"Send out your light and truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill, and to your dwelling."

I was again reminded of a verse I constantly run back to in Haiti when all we can see around us is darkness, twisted truth, unforgiving confusion of the devil, and walls that feel too big to climb over. Then we remember our God is bigger, and he has already won the battle. Let him be glorified! 

"In the world you will have tribulation,
but take heart; I have overcome the world."

I cling to this promise! 

In the true nature of Our Lord, the Teacher I had just walked though a lesson in our James study that spelled out that our tongue can be lit by either source, one of the Holy spirit in Light and Truth or by hell in darkness and confusion. We have a choice which fire lights our tongues. (Acts 2:1-4, James 3:6) I wrestled with the idea that many of the people in this country don't know they have a choice, they are simply blinded. The devil has such a captive audience here for so many reasons and it almost feels like he has prevailed.

 Then last night as I wrestled again in thought of this I looked up a sermon on my iPhone by Pastor John piper written in 1985 titled "Let us walk in the Light of God." That really captivated my thinking about how darkness is blinding, here is the analogy he used:

"Picture a man in a dark room. He feels warm, soft fur with one hand and a cold sharp edge with the other and draws in close to the warmth and softness of the fur. But, when the light comes on, he sees that the warm, soft fur is the under belly of a horrid, man-eating monster; and the hard, cold edge is the sword of the Majestic Christ ready to save. The reason he was controlled by his desire for the man-eating monster is that he was in the dark."

Then God shows me this word: 

"Now is the judgement of this world; now will the ruler of this world be cast out. And when I am lifted up from earth, will draw all people to myself.....The light is among you for a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you. The one who walks in the darkness does not know where he is going. While you have the light believe in the light, that you may become sons of light" (John 12:31-32, 35-36)

I was reminded that although the dark may seam to overtake this Island I have faith to believe in the Light of my Savior, that he has a beautiful plan of redemption that I am not able to see yet (and he is empowering me to see how I am a part of that plan, everyday I am here) regardless the darkness that tries to prevail. After all we are sons of light created in the image of "the Father of Lights." ( James 1:17)

I am reminded of a favorite Hillsong worship song;
You said, "Ask and I'll give the nations to you"
Oh, Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see Your light, as it rises on us 

In order to not be stringing these pearls together and trowing them away to pigs, I ask you join me in prayer for this Island. That the Island would sing of HIS light, and that darkness would flee.

After our discussion I ran to the Lord in my despair, this is the following prayer I wrote in my journal. Please be in prayer with me for the chains of oppression, confusion, and darkness to fall and for the Light of the HOLY one to shine in this country.

....My prayer  

Oh Father,

Hear my cry for all those on this island who think they know your truth, yet can't comprehend your Grace that your sons blood provided for us. Let your light come and reside among us and make Truth become evident, remove the scales from their eyes and the veil from their faces. My prayer for those hearts who are lead astray by empty words and displays of religion that are so far from your Truth that you may reveal to their hearts the foolishness of the world and seek you. As you run after us as the one sheep who is lost, Father I pray for your very pursuit of their soul to captivate them with your Light and radiate Truth into their lives. Father, we believe you hold all things in your hands and as darkness is concerned let it be cast out. Let your name be lifted high and make a home in the hearts of men, women and children across the nation of Haiti. Bring boldness to those in this country battling the darkness with your Light, let us be unified and unafraid to share of your Light, Truth and Love.

Amen

Magnified Gratitude

Have you ever walked into an experience totally oblivious to how God might reveal something to you? It happens to me pretty frequently, mostly because I am too focused on my own thoughts in order to see what God is prompting. He softly says, “Look child I have a sight for you, not seen by your eyes but your heart.” (2 Cor 5:7) I wiped tears in the small cemented room God so sovereignty placed me in for less than 5 minutes yesterday.

I had heard God’s stirring in my heart to start a Respire Haiti Photo blog I began praying about who God wanted me to photograph first, he continued to place Fifi- our incredible housekeeper on my heart. I had watched how she praises the lord for all things big and small. As I talked over photographing Fifi with Megan she expanded on her sweet thankful spirit explaining that every pay-day when she receives her money she immediately raises her hands and repeats “merci jezi” (Thank you Jesus) over and over. So many instances I have found Fifi praising the Lord, doing laundry, dishes, cleaning I wouldn't even be surprised if she was worshiping our God even when she was in the bathroom. Oh how her spirit radiates pure thanksgiving to our Lord.

For nearly a week I had told Fifi I wanted to come home with her to photograph her there, she would joyfully respond “pa gen pwoblem”. I finally got my opportunity yesterday around 5:30 it had just finished raining and I saw she was carrying quite a load so I helped carry some of her items home.

As I scan though the photos I took, one stood out. She had just opened her door – freshly painted light blue and the joy on her face just radiates. As she walked into the house she did something I was familiar with her doing- lifting her hands in praise and thanking the Lord. I had walked home with Fifi once last summer to help her carry some things and I remembered how the Lord made me take a breath after I realized what she was doing. She was praising the Lord for her four walls, no matter their condition just pure praise. Sure by our standards it may look like she didn't have anything to praise over because she had no electricity, no running water (she took her daily supply from our house) a small bed that felt more like wood two by fours stacked together, yet she was thankful. My heart took a step back that moment last year and again in that moment yesterday to catch my breath for such beautiful thankfulness.

She offered me the only chair she had in her home to sit on as per cultural norm I sat and thanked her. Suddenly I realized I wasn't actually here to photograph her, God had something bigger for my heart to learn.  I snapped a few photos but wasn't actually concentrated because I was overwhelmed by how much my heart was seeing. Fifi was settling a few things on her bedside table as the tears welled up into my eyes, I had been so concentrated for the last month on all that I did not have (comforts of home, simple foods like cheese, the ability to just call a friend) that I didn't see the tremendous blessings he had before me. I was missing it altogether and in that moment in her house I realized my foolishness and was so thankful for God’s grace. I wiped my tears fast out of fear that she may see my tears and due to the language barrier didn't want her to think I was crying over her circumstance. She had abundantly more than enough maybe not by the world’s standards but certainly in Christ. She then informed me that she was going to a prayer meeting at the church and invited me. I respectably declined as I need to get home because it was getting late.

 My heart was so filled upon leaving her home that I took my sweet time walking home reflecting on the gracious heart that I had just encountered and prayed my heart would in turn become transformed by Christ in the manner God molded Fifi’s.  The sun was setting and I was thankful for the stillness of the town after a rain, for the cool breeze regardless the temperature, for the simple sweet glances from children as I passed, for the meal I was arriving home to. In that moment my heart was beginning to shed the thoughts of my flesh and taking new shape in gratitude and thanksgiving for all things that lie before me, I just needed to take the time to see with my heart as the Lord prompted into eternity.Magnified gratitude. Magnified thanksgiving. Magnified Christ in all circumstances. He holds all things together; I remember and breathe in a new understanding of peace.

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Atrux is finally in Haiti !

I cannot express how much peace and contentment I felt going up the mountain the first night back at home. I was in Haiti. Finally, after praying...seeking...waiting...waiting...waiting and mostly trusting; I was home.

Three hundred and sixty four days after I wept getting on a plane to leave this country I was now weeping that God’s provision and plan was so good, perfect and excellent beyond what I could have imagined for myself.

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” -Lamentations 3:25

He was so good to my soul because right as I took my first steps on the mountain my heart was even more filled when *john* began running at me from ridiculously far away. He never slowed down, only continued running faster and faster yelling my name over and over. I ran toward him and hugged him telling him I never wanted to let go and I missed him! His precious smile welcomed me back home on that mountain and I couldn't have dreamed it any better.

Our God is a God of homecomings. He is running at us full speed ahead yelling your name awaiting a greeting of love. He dances at the sight of obedience and delights in our joy for following his commands.

However something I wasn’t prepared for when I arrived back in Haiti was things I had forgotten. I was constantly focused on the things I remembered most about Haiti because I was looking forward to those things, yet so much I had forgotten.

Our God never forgets, even when we do.

I had so easily forgotten what happened a year ago, people I met, names that somehow have slipped though my less than perfect memory and a language I could once understand. I reminded myself to have grace over my initial days in Haiti and continue to pray for memory and resolve. Thankfully the Lord filled my heart with contentment to finally be here and that’s what matters most because my memory may fail but my God never will. However, please continue to pray for my memory!

On Saturday Rita, Sharon and I went to the market and upon our return I ran into two beautiful women I had taught in English class last summer. They lit up when they saw me, YELLING my name. Initially I was upset I could not place their names in my mind yet then I remembered the Lord allowed me to remember their sweet faces and that was enough for me. There is grace.

Yesterday I was reading Ann Voskamp’s blog and this quote stood out to me:

“Peace is a Person. No one can steal Peace from you. And nothing can steal you from Him”

That truth became real when I realized that it wasn’t just finally being in Haiti that has given me peace, it wasn’t seeing familiar faces and being embraced by children I truly loved in every way I knew how. It was Christ. Peace is certainly a person and that person was a Son to be killed for my sin. That person suffered in flesh yet rose to new life. That person fills my every breath and peace is within it. I’m okay forgetting a few things; I’ m also okay adjusting to a drastically new world in peace only because I know the peacemaker himself.  He is the prince of peace.

How good is our God that we may know peace because we know him.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16.33

-ATrux (FINALLY) in Haiti

I am NOT Naive; A Surrender

For a few weeks a thought has popped into my head almost everyday that I can't quite shake.
"Am I naive?" "Do I really think I can do this whole moving to Haiti thing?"
I have been walking into this thought somewhat blindly, as if I can brush off this overwhelming feeling of something bigger in my heart bubbling up. I know what the devil wants me to do with this thought and if it's as he has planned he will have a field day. I've got to tell you too, that he has tried very hard to use these lies against me in order for fear to overtake my heart. HE WON'T PREVAIL.

The lies continued to flow all from that one thought;

"You can't do this"
"You aren't prepared"
"See, you aren't working hard enough to prepare... you can't be that dumb."
"Are you really blindly going into this?"

^How ugly is that?
Twisting my saviors sweet time of rest before I do the work set before me come august.

I'm not going to lie, battling all these lies hasn't been a walk in the park.
I've spent more time defeated in these lies than I would like to tell you about...many days and nights fighting sin and hurts specifically brought up with the purpose of drowning me in the reality of my own flesh. I AM HUMAN, my God loves me still. (Can I get an Amen?) I fell, turned around and I surrendered and he swallowed me up with his tremendous flood of grace and love. I don't deserve one ounce of this love, but he so tenderly loves us. Even in our sin, even in our hurt, in the middle of a storm he wants our surrender so he can fill us and remind us that he has control. Why would I ever worry or be defeated so easily for my saviors embrace reminded me that I am not alone, he will be working all things together for my good.

I may be naive to think that I can do it alone, sure. But I am not. He is with me always even until the end of the age (Matt 28:20). It's a promise, and God doesn't break his promises. NEVER, EVER.

I may also be naive to think I don't need to prepare, sure. But he is preparing me in the best way possible. My heart. The first place I need to prepare is my own heart, not lesson plans, nor any packing of a suitcase can fill me the way my savior is preparing a place in my heart for his work to be done. You can't buy that kind of peace, you cant muster up enough effort or know-how or even skill to face giants in life, we simply hold onto the hope of our Lord and trust with all we have.

To others it may sound naive that I am not taking "necessary precautions" but I know my God has it all in his hands, and no amount of worry will change that. No amount of preparations or precautions can make any instance better if all he desires for me is to trust him.

My heart must be willing to be taught, and I know that this is only the beginning. He is going to teach me so much in the coming months that I cannot begin to feel overwhelmed; therefore the beautiful lesson here as it always is "My daughter Trust me, I hold all things together and I will never let go of you, ever!" Rest in that truth.

I have been reading a book sweetly given to me by a stranger (I can call her a sister ) called kisses from Katie written by a sweet young girl who moved to Uganda following God's will. This excerpt really hit it home for me.

" 'Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle.' People repeat this frequently, I head it when I was growing up and I hear it now. It is meant to be a source of encouragement, and it would be if it were true.

But I don't.

I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and he takes over, proving himself by doing the impossible in our lives." -Katie Davis

I am blown away by how true this statement is for my life. I can't believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle because he desires to prove himself to us in his passionate pursuit of his children. Because he loves us and wants to display his sovereign rule. He was sovereign over the devil attacking me, and has grace for my flesh or any failing I may do in the process in pursuit of  his will. He will always be sovereign, he will always want to rescue us from ourselves and the devil; that's his nature that's his love in motion....he simply can't contain himself.

 Even when circumstances feel unstable, our God is the one holding that unstable platform under our feet building with faith, love, and trust that He always has and always will be holding us up. Put your hand on your chest, do you feel the oxygen entering your lungs, he holds even this breath right now in his hands. He is even more visible in the crumbling of our plans, expectations, and strength the first step to visibly seeing his work in our lives is surrender. Without our surrender, we simply are standing (or falling, rather) on our own.. We can either have victory in our own hands as a champion and be filled with pride (news flash: that victory wasn't on your own accord) or become defeated in life by circumstances, sin, or the brokenness of the world and we are buried in our own workmanship and beat ourselves up for our foolishness and human character. Either way pride is in the way, we have to surrender our pride with brokenness before the father and plead for his help. We already have someone pleading for us on our behalf, he is our advocate.(1John 2:1) Jesus Christ entire existence life, death and Resurrection is your plead. His grace fights our case and we can see clearly though his scars the impossible can be done only through God because with God all things are possible. (Mark 10:27).

I won't be foolish in believing lies that I am not enough, because the world wants me to believe the impossible isn't possible...but God is with me so that is proof enough for me to trust him. Christ will always be enough!

Where are you still fighting giants on your own accord and succeeding or failing yet still blind to the mighty one who saves? I challenge you to search your heart and surrender what lies inside your flesh lacking complete surrender to the Lord. He is ready to receive this surrender with his son's beautiful grace awaiting your cry. I pray for you as Paul did for the church in Ephesus;

"That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,  may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." Eph 3:16-19

Thanks for reading; feel free to let me know how I can be praying for you!

-ATrux(almost) in haiti

 

 

One year

One year ago today 4/2/2012

365 days.

Has it really been a year?

This day last year I felt a HUGE urgency to fast and pray for God’s will.

He made himself clear. So clear, he wanted my heart to become broken for Haiti. He began that day one year ago and his faithfulness amazes me. He is amazing! He keeps pushing my heart in the direction of his will for my life! Praise God!

The following is from my journal on this day last year:

“Lord, I need scripture about your provision, plan, and will. Also, scripture about your desire for me to serve the least of these, as well as scripture about your truth and sharing that truth and how you will protect me doing that if you so will. I trust you!”

Then he revealed to me these scriptures that I hold close to my heart;

Isaiah 6:8                         Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Psalm 121:1-4                 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

                                     where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

 

Isaiah 50:4-5                    The Sovereign LORD has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know what to say to all these weary ones. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign LORD has spoken to me, and I have listened. I do not rebel or turn away.

Isaiah 54:10                      He said to me, "You are my servant, Israel, and you will bring me glory."  I replied, "But my work all seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose at all. Yet I leave it all in the LORD's hand; I will trust God for my reward."

The praise of prayer followed by tears of joy one year ago;

            “Oh Lord, you heard my prayer and showed me with your word a great reassurance, security, you’re will, faithfulness, guidance, and your hand that was in all that is my heart for Haiti. I pray that I continue to take these concerns to you and seek for truth in your word so that I can hear you clearly and be guided by your will not my own. Thank you Lord for your great plan for my life and showing me that you alone are good and you alone are God. Praise be to your name!”

            I write this to show how good and faithful our God is. A year ago he stirred in my heart what was to be my future, and I trusted him, even though it was not easy. Before I encountered God that day I remember writing down all my fears on a piece of paper, in black marker. Bold and ugly. Fear is UGLY. Then as he faithfully showed me his truth through the word and I began ripping that paper (all my fears) up! Fear no longer had any power, because I recognized his immense love! 2 Timothy 1:7 states “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” I saw it clearly, his love that washed away all my fears and that lead me in self-control to see his will above my own.

            I’m humbled today to be sitting in that same great, vast, extraordinary love of the Lord that is stirring my heart to return again to Haiti now with a deeper understanding of his will. I need your help though, I must raise 3,500 in a very short time, but I trust that God’s timing is perfect. Would you prayerfully consider supporting sending me back to Haiti to therefore see the Lords will be done? I appreciate all your prayers as I am being constantly prepared by the Lord, and trusting that He will provide for my needs in the way he wills. If you feel the holy spirit leading you to trust God’s movement about what I will be doing in Haiti come august read more about it here:HERE!! :) I am overjoyed to be sitting in this day a year later reflecting on God’s goodness. I pray you are lead to do the same though reading this post. Glory be to God!