24- Hope

Tonight, on the eve of my 24th Birthday the Lord lead me to reflect on this past year.

I remember sitting in my bunk bed in Haiti this exact evening late into the wee hours of the morning doing just this last year. Crying out to the Lord and thanking him for his faithfulness in my life. Thanking him that he had brought me to a place where all things were stripped away from the very clutter filled lives we live in America. Zoomed in on his work, his hands, and his feet becoming those in action. Capturing moments of his grace in every pain, and his joy even from our sorrows. Focusing deeply upon the Hope at which rests at his feet.

Hope in Christ ALONE. nothing else.

Not in Jobs {Just in Christ}
Not in Money {Just in Christ}
Not in Beauty {Just in Christ}
Not in Fame {Just in Christ}
Not in Pride {Just in Christ}
Not in People {Just in Christ}
Not in (dare i say it) Art {Just in Christ}

As I reflect on those revelations I had at this exact time last year I nearly had a breakdown at the perpetual quicksand like motion at witch I have been moving in the states. I realized how one by one those things had been trying to invade where my hope lies just a month home. The expectations I placed on myself were unrealistic and in a lot of ways worldly in order to "look, move, act, be"  like everyone else in "my stage(whatever that is) in" this life. I couldn't put my finger on the pressure I felt- even when "no one" was forcing me, culture was. Expectations for a 24 year old here look different than my life in Haiti, and having lived in a 3rd world country for an extended period of time does not fit into those expectations. I wanted to hide. Go back to life in America but not face the culture that is in America- Impossible.

It was frightening to realize how quickly we conform again to the patterns of our worlds. My world had been simplicity and difficulty mixed into little comfort with a lot of love, all of a sudden it's a shifting burden of worldliness smack dab in my face. Coming back into a culture where we are told our Jobs define us --I don't have one. Those Jobs afford us leisure our money can buy-- that I have in limited supply as well. Beauty in high fashion and making yourself to be "pulled together" screams "CULTURE SHOCK" for me. I was alarmingly so caught off guard by that in the airport; not even on american soil for an hour looking in the mirror suddenly feeling my face naked next to the layers piled on the next girl. After a year of wearing only Nike shorts and tee shirts I didn't exactly remember how to coordinate so I realize my outfit was certainly not "cute" and I'm pretty sure I saw more self assured middle schoolers than I was in that moment. I wanted to jump into a Jcrew magazine and hide for a few days remembering what it was like to feel pretty.

Why?
Our culture screams HOPE IN JOBS, HOPE IN MONEY, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN BEAUTY, HOPE IN LUST, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN YOURSELF, HOPE IN "FREEDOM," HOPE IN FAME, HOPE IN YOUR FIGURE, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN THE AMERICAN DREAM, HOPE IN ALCOHOL, HOPE IN FUN, HOPE IN FRIENDS, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN ANYTHING(just not Jesus)  HOPE IN LIES.

They are all lies.

There is only ONE TRUE HOPE.

Christ ALONE.

It seams I am still stripped of  many of these ideals now, but as I immerse more and more back in my own culture it's inevitable changes will take place. I will (eventually?!) get a job that likely will pay money that likely turns into caring or at least being somewhat concerned about how presentable I am. In and of themselves these are not bad things I simply cannot put my hope in them, especially as I don't have them when the world says I "need" them. I have more hope than my circumstances because I have Christ, he is all in all. I remember that all these things are fleeting and offer us little of that zoomed in reality of Christ. This is why the devil uses those lies to hope in anything but Jesus. He wants us to loose sight of Christ altogether by jobs and money and clothes, and sadly we can. America, we have.

As I walk into my 24th year, jobless nearly penniless and with little idea of what this year holds all I can do is remember my Hope is in Christ alone. Our circumstances don't make hopeful people, we become hopeful people when we hope in Christ and not in this world.

As I remember the truths the Lord has pressed so deeply in my heart in my 23rd year I rest in his faithfulness for 24, for he alone is my hope.

"The Lord directs the steps of the Godly, he delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23

\\5 Days//

I fly home in 5 days. five\\5.

The reality of going home has all gotten a lot more real. I woke up anxious that I may have missed saying goodbye to the team of sweet recent high school grads and their counselors I so dearly loved. I open my door that looked onto the street still with sleep in my eyes and saw them all ready to go. I yelled DON'T LEAVE threw on clothes and ran downstairs to embrace these sweet girls. The last 10 days have been challenging for me, knowing with every passing day and milestone of their trip my time here was soon coming to an end. Early on they found out about my going home. Since these girls were in transition from high school to college or even sweet Hannah who is moving to South Africa they understood my feelings of transition well, they were living it too. They were gracious and understanding, two things I very much needed the last weeks I spend in Haiti. As I hugged each of them and told them all they are incredible they were off. So was I. I know I was not on their van driving to the airport but in an instant I was reliving two years ago when I had to ride two hours to Port-Au-Prince just to get on a plane teary eyed praying Lord, I don't understand.

I don't understand this time either -- in 5 short days I will be that same teary eyed girl walking up to the American Airlines counter looking like a fool. Oh how my heart wants to fight back so much saying "that's it I'm done with this life" when I know that's a lie and I'm not okay, I'm not done. The devil has tried to fill my thoughts with reasons why I should be "done" in many different forms this week. One came in the form of a teenage boy who as I greeted him coming down the mountain he called me ugly as if he just said the sky was blue or the grass green. Hardness of heart encamped around my sensitive spirit and I had a moment of  "Maybe I should be done with Haiti altogether- just forget it." Then I was suddenly enraged at that very thought. I cannot simply be DONE here. I know I go home in less than a week, but being done it putting something behind you and I cannot and will not ever put Haiti behind me.

Living here I have learned more than my share of lessons that the devil would like for me to throw out the instant I hit American soil. That won't be so, I won't lose the sensitivity to his spirit nor the compassion for other and a resolve to serve even when it's difficult. I won't lose the joy and love that many have poured into me this year with their smiles and encouragement, I won't lose the grace that others gave me as I was learning a new language or simply learning in general. Those things are to be taken though my life with me and I won't let the devil tell me otherwise.

There has been a fight in my head lately about why I was going home. My heart said NO, YOU CAN'T and my spirit said, but you must. Once again I am feeling like I am being ripped from the very place he called me and settled my heart here. How can it be God's will to have me leave I wonder many times. I have prayed repeatedly for the Lord to be CLEAR if he wanted me to stay in Haiti beyond my initial year mark. You want to know what he said. NOTHING.

Lots of confusion has swirled around my mind as I tried to make sense of that. Jesus called me from my home, comforts, and will into his grace and love here in Haiti but he does not have me hear longer. At least not now... Not this season. I am aware that his seasons are simply for our Good. I could use some time to process and spend time talking to individuals that encourage me into God's will at all times. However this season is probably the most difficult for me transitionally because that suddenly means no Haiti.

No more chickens, pigs or cows waking me up in the morning. No Saturday feeding where my heart is blessed knowing children are consuming both spiritual and physical food. No more little voices calling my name from the mountain so very far away that I need to look around to even begin to orient the direction the voice came. No more greeting the women in the kitchen, loving on them and telling them I appreciate them as they shove a plate of food in my face and are so happy to share. No more late nights on the porch looking at the stars in the heat thinking, how is this real? No more dancing with little ones on Fridays and allowing the expression of Joy be released from their bodies as we giddily prance around the church. No more kinder babies running up to me jumping in my arms and feeling safe as I am filled with glee at every sweet ounce of Love received as I embrace them. No more.

No more? How can this be so.
I am simply holding fast to my faithful and true Heavenly Father for I know he has a will and a plan even if I don't know that plan. He is alone the one who gave me the sounds of waking up, the chorus of animals chirping or mooing. He gave me the pleasure of being blessed on Saturdays at the feeding. He also called my name when those children from so far away were compelled to yell it at the top of their lungs, he was on the tip of their tongue. He also cooked with my ladies and danced with my girls and hugged all my kinder babies. He was in all those things and he will ever be in all things. I will see it- I will look and find him in the transition. His hints of grace and echoes of love in each thing. Even if those things I am not yet familiar with just yet, even if it's hard. I know he is there in the hard transition from grace in Haiti to grace in America. His grace stands. He is good. He will always be.


Please join me in prayer as I transition. For grace and for the individuals who will be around me in my meltdowns that will inevitably be brought on by what is simple in the states yet so hard or unfamiliar here. Where even a simple trip to the store might send me into a spiral of emotions. It's a transition that I never truly want to recover from because I know I am never done with Haiti. Haiti is always with me and I am so grateful for that. I will never recover from a country that has allowed the Lord to lavishly fill me with grace, love, hope, joy, peace and much more. Life here was hard, it was not anything like home, it took adjusting but I welcomed the change because despite my momentary discomfort I understood it would produce fruit . Pray that I welcome this change back "home" just the same as I trust Jesus has a plan. Pray for his will and discernment to lead me onto the next chapter or for a season of stillness to fill my heart in ways that only his power at work can do.

 Oh how I am grateful I was chosen to venture with Jesus to the unknown. I pray I am grateful to once again follow his leading and see what excellent things are in store. May Christ always receive the Glory, may he be illuminated in not only my time here but my transition back home as well. Let him be seen. Let him be Glorified, always.