\\5 Days//

I fly home in 5 days. five\\5.

The reality of going home has all gotten a lot more real. I woke up anxious that I may have missed saying goodbye to the team of sweet recent high school grads and their counselors I so dearly loved. I open my door that looked onto the street still with sleep in my eyes and saw them all ready to go. I yelled DON'T LEAVE threw on clothes and ran downstairs to embrace these sweet girls. The last 10 days have been challenging for me, knowing with every passing day and milestone of their trip my time here was soon coming to an end. Early on they found out about my going home. Since these girls were in transition from high school to college or even sweet Hannah who is moving to South Africa they understood my feelings of transition well, they were living it too. They were gracious and understanding, two things I very much needed the last weeks I spend in Haiti. As I hugged each of them and told them all they are incredible they were off. So was I. I know I was not on their van driving to the airport but in an instant I was reliving two years ago when I had to ride two hours to Port-Au-Prince just to get on a plane teary eyed praying Lord, I don't understand.

I don't understand this time either -- in 5 short days I will be that same teary eyed girl walking up to the American Airlines counter looking like a fool. Oh how my heart wants to fight back so much saying "that's it I'm done with this life" when I know that's a lie and I'm not okay, I'm not done. The devil has tried to fill my thoughts with reasons why I should be "done" in many different forms this week. One came in the form of a teenage boy who as I greeted him coming down the mountain he called me ugly as if he just said the sky was blue or the grass green. Hardness of heart encamped around my sensitive spirit and I had a moment of  "Maybe I should be done with Haiti altogether- just forget it." Then I was suddenly enraged at that very thought. I cannot simply be DONE here. I know I go home in less than a week, but being done it putting something behind you and I cannot and will not ever put Haiti behind me.

Living here I have learned more than my share of lessons that the devil would like for me to throw out the instant I hit American soil. That won't be so, I won't lose the sensitivity to his spirit nor the compassion for other and a resolve to serve even when it's difficult. I won't lose the joy and love that many have poured into me this year with their smiles and encouragement, I won't lose the grace that others gave me as I was learning a new language or simply learning in general. Those things are to be taken though my life with me and I won't let the devil tell me otherwise.

There has been a fight in my head lately about why I was going home. My heart said NO, YOU CAN'T and my spirit said, but you must. Once again I am feeling like I am being ripped from the very place he called me and settled my heart here. How can it be God's will to have me leave I wonder many times. I have prayed repeatedly for the Lord to be CLEAR if he wanted me to stay in Haiti beyond my initial year mark. You want to know what he said. NOTHING.

Lots of confusion has swirled around my mind as I tried to make sense of that. Jesus called me from my home, comforts, and will into his grace and love here in Haiti but he does not have me hear longer. At least not now... Not this season. I am aware that his seasons are simply for our Good. I could use some time to process and spend time talking to individuals that encourage me into God's will at all times. However this season is probably the most difficult for me transitionally because that suddenly means no Haiti.

No more chickens, pigs or cows waking me up in the morning. No Saturday feeding where my heart is blessed knowing children are consuming both spiritual and physical food. No more little voices calling my name from the mountain so very far away that I need to look around to even begin to orient the direction the voice came. No more greeting the women in the kitchen, loving on them and telling them I appreciate them as they shove a plate of food in my face and are so happy to share. No more late nights on the porch looking at the stars in the heat thinking, how is this real? No more dancing with little ones on Fridays and allowing the expression of Joy be released from their bodies as we giddily prance around the church. No more kinder babies running up to me jumping in my arms and feeling safe as I am filled with glee at every sweet ounce of Love received as I embrace them. No more.

No more? How can this be so.
I am simply holding fast to my faithful and true Heavenly Father for I know he has a will and a plan even if I don't know that plan. He is alone the one who gave me the sounds of waking up, the chorus of animals chirping or mooing. He gave me the pleasure of being blessed on Saturdays at the feeding. He also called my name when those children from so far away were compelled to yell it at the top of their lungs, he was on the tip of their tongue. He also cooked with my ladies and danced with my girls and hugged all my kinder babies. He was in all those things and he will ever be in all things. I will see it- I will look and find him in the transition. His hints of grace and echoes of love in each thing. Even if those things I am not yet familiar with just yet, even if it's hard. I know he is there in the hard transition from grace in Haiti to grace in America. His grace stands. He is good. He will always be.


Please join me in prayer as I transition. For grace and for the individuals who will be around me in my meltdowns that will inevitably be brought on by what is simple in the states yet so hard or unfamiliar here. Where even a simple trip to the store might send me into a spiral of emotions. It's a transition that I never truly want to recover from because I know I am never done with Haiti. Haiti is always with me and I am so grateful for that. I will never recover from a country that has allowed the Lord to lavishly fill me with grace, love, hope, joy, peace and much more. Life here was hard, it was not anything like home, it took adjusting but I welcomed the change because despite my momentary discomfort I understood it would produce fruit . Pray that I welcome this change back "home" just the same as I trust Jesus has a plan. Pray for his will and discernment to lead me onto the next chapter or for a season of stillness to fill my heart in ways that only his power at work can do.

 Oh how I am grateful I was chosen to venture with Jesus to the unknown. I pray I am grateful to once again follow his leading and see what excellent things are in store. May Christ always receive the Glory, may he be illuminated in not only my time here but my transition back home as well. Let him be seen. Let him be Glorified, always.

Mountains and Valleys - Humbling Dependence

^{I wish I could dress up this blog post for you, make it both beautiful and inspiring but the truth is more than anything lately I have been humbled. I am in the middle of John Piper's book -Desiring God and a quote that called me to prayer this week was this "Prayer humbles us as needy and exalts God as wealthy." This is exactly why I am sharing these tough stories with you today, we are all in need of humility to boast even more loudly about our Gods wealth!  Being broken is humbling, needing two twelve year old boys to climb down a mountain and a good cry session to walk back up it is equally humbling. A friend recently told me that brokenness creates cracks in our lives  that are actually areas where we can let the Light of Jesus shine out of if we let him. Here is my attempt to let him shine though my rather gaping crack.}

^{Before I begin I need to share a few stories in light of context... Bear with me.}

^{When I was a sophomore in college I went though a very traumatic event which lead me to many anxieties thereafter. During this time I was accustom to many panic attacks. One night, nearly 4 months after the incident I went with friends to go play capture the flag. I was excited and running around with everyone when suddenly I was in full blown panic mode. What was most confusing and enraging about this specific attack is there wasn't even a feeling of fear that had taken over my thoughts- rather I had just gotten into the rhythm of breathing that my brain associated with a panic attack-- so I had one. I was beyond confused myself as my friends ran around trying to find me water and as another friend calmed me down. It was humbling to realize that even just the rhythm of breath could send me into full on attack mode so I since avoided running and many strenuous activities. Thankfully the Lord was gracious to me and this was simply a season in my life where the Lord defined what dependence on him looked like. He was teaching me that panic was no way to control any situation and rather clinging to him and his promises was the only way to cope.}

^{"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13}

^{Less than 2 months after this event I was laying in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. I had been sick for a week at this point but even I was shocked when I realized how sick I really was. During my time at the hospital there was never a diagnosis, just a lot of tests and pain meds. On one particular night I was in so much pain that I cried out to the Lord. I told him that if he wanted me he could have me, that I would rather be with him anyway. Being with him would far outweigh this life and I would happily meet him that day if he desired.}Suddenly his still small voice spoke to me as clear as I have ever heard the Lord before. He said " I have plans for you, Amanda."  That was enough for me, if he had a purpose to keep me here I would endure today and this season for I know the Lord is faithful. He was, he always will be.

Three weeks later I was mostly recovered and was finally back at school learning what my limits where- learning how to say no, what I could and couldn't do on account of my health. To be honest I am still figuring that out. In the grand view of things its not about what I could or couldn't do but rather what the Lord was teaching me; to depend on him and I would not have to worry. Jesus teaches us this over and over again in our lives yet he is still willing to teach it again. We can depend on him- he knows our limits- he knows our hearts- we can depend on him always. And I know this because "My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19

Fast forward to 2014, last week the group I live with went on an adventure to one of the most beautiful beaches in Haiti. I was a little anxious the night before because I heard how there was a 45 minute hike down to the beach and a hour or so hike back up to our car I was a little unsure I would make the trek but I could not miss this opportunity. Before we made our assent I prayed that the Lord would provide help and give me safety in his arms, no matter what happens. As we were beginning to make our assent we saw the most magnificent view and I took out my camera to capture it. There were two boys watching our group as we passed and were paying particular attention to my camera. Often children here haven't ever seen a photo of themselves so I asked if they would like me to take their photo. They both said yes in a very excited manner. I quickly snapped their photo, showed it to them and was on my way. Very soon after the road became a  foot path and was increasingly steep so much so that I was calculating each step.  

^{Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure Proverbs 4:26}

^{It seamed my friends were already well on their way so I was trying to catch up to them when I suddenly fell. I twisted my knee and scraped it on the rocks. I let out a startled scream and my team yelled to see if I was okay. I wasn't  actually sure but said Yes and to go on without me. Little had I known the boys I took a photo of where right behind me. They helped me up and brushed me off. They pointed to my bleeding knee and said "blese" which is the verb to cut in Creole. I thought about how cool that actually sounds that something as not fun as a cut can sound like a blessing, and it was. That cut was a blessed opportunity to be increasingly humbled.}

^{I was shaken up a bit and since the path was still very steep for me the two boys helped me down. They held my hand and made sure I had sure footing. At one point I realized I was still shaking but I was so thankful to have these sweet boys be my guides. Just as we were about to reach the beach I remembered a book I had read aloud in the car on the way to Colorado with two of my best friends. The book is called hinds feet on high places. I was reminded of this book because in it the main character- much afraid (whom now in retrospect was certainly acting like) was lead on the steep and torturous path to the sheppard which was God character. She had two guides and their names were Sorrow and Suffering. I chuckled as I remembered this and thank the Lord for my version of sorrow and suffering to cling to on this ascent down the mountain.  God was faithful in getting me to his most beautiful creation and I was certainly thankful, certainly humbled, yes mostly humbled.}

^{We had a good day at the beach, I played with local beach children, searched for quite a loot of sea glass, and got to lay in the sun admiring all the Lord created. It was rather glorious and nearly surreal and then I remembered sorrow and suffering and the hike up the mountain I soon faced. I began getting anxious because I wouldn't have my guides this time- I was probably still going to be far behind the group and I doubted I could actually make it up the mountain. We started the climb and at first I was doing fine- I had to fight to keep up with everyone but I was building my pride no matter how much it hurt. Then I reached a point where I simply could not keep up the pace with everyone anymore. Still despite my better judgment and knowledge of my limits, I was pushing harder than ever before just to keep up. What pride. UGH. Pride is so ugly, and even uglier when you were literally just humbled on the path down. How quickly pride forgets humility, or maybe that's what fuels it? Every time we are humbled we are given a choice to accept the humility or let it fuel our pride to never be humbled again. Then it all went downhill. I couldn't keep up, and I was mad- there were so many things I wanted. I wanted to be able to enjoy this hike like everyone else and not struggle. I wanted to breathe normally and not think I was going to throw up every two seconds.  I wanted so badly my health to not hinder me anymore but mostly I wanted to be in control. I was breathing rather rapidly then suddenly I was in panic state then like a stinkin baby I burst into tears.} 

^{THE LORD BROKE ME.} 

^{I am not in control and I never will be. If its on my own accord I can do nothing. I must rely on him for my health and everything else. It was silly, but I knew the Lord wanted me to see more. He wanted me to see sorrow and suffering firsthand. He wanted me to again learn the lesson to depend on him and he has all things working together for my good and his glory. I am thankful for the Lords favor in that moment. Dan had stayed back with me as we climbed and witnessed me burst into tears. As the father he is, he was tender and loving. He didn't rush me or make fun of my emotions, although he did crack a joke about needing to keep all the water I had inside my body and I actually did chuckle at that one. The Lord spoke though Dan as he comforted and coached me up that mountain. Reminding me that it wasn't a sprint, it was a marathon. So is life.} 

^{Dependence is not simply a lesson we learn once and move on, I feel it's a lesson we learn and re-learn though seasons of life. Because it takes a lot to break though our pride and desire for control, still God is faithful even if he presents sorrow and suffering as companions. Through anxiety and panic attacks I learned to be dependent on the lord. Though illness and a life that is lead with the prospect of being right back in the same hospital room builds dependence on the Lords favor- especially living in a third world country. It's important to remember for my own sanity that nothing that has happened to me in my life is outside the scope of God. He knows what I experienced that brought on such trauma, he knows how my head spun as I sat in a hospital waiting for answers that never came. He also knows my heart when I climb a mountain and cares deeply that I learn to depend on him. Never once was any of that outside of his control because he is sovereign. If nothing else he is showing me that dependence is an action. He is showing me that despite what the world says to become independent my only real saving grace is dependence on the one who lavishes unmerited grace. How blessed are we. Even when sorrow and suffering are our guide that we have a peace that surpasses all understanding because we have the peacekeeper as a guide.}

^{"My spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name." Luke 1:47-49}