When it rains...

"Miss Amanda it rained yesterday" Nicholas aimlessly talks as we go on out on our daily afternoon walk. "Your right Nicholas it did rain yesterday" I say with only half my brain after the chaos that was nap time. Excited nick exclaims "The sun warmed up all the wet things... It shineded on all that was rainded on!"

"Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; make melody to our God on the lyre! He covers the heavens with clouds; he prepares rain for the earth;  he makes grass grow on the hills." Psalm 147:8

At that point I stop to let the boys investigate a leaf because all leaves are full of wonder, but apparently this was T  H  E  perfect leaf. I couldn't argue- all nature sends me on hunt for more of the beauty of the creator. He made the perfect leaf... & that one an that one... The one with the stripes and the one with the spots, he made them all!

It was then I thought about all that rain talk- we all have days where it feels like rain in our lives. We feel like the storms will push us over and it just won't dry.When we are drenched by circumstances and shivering in the cold. When the rain comes and it wets the ground in our souls we think just because it was wet somehow that means there isn't a way for the rain drenched streets of our hearts and minds to become dry again. We think in our        h o p e l e s s n e s s of the negative self talk, the kind the devil loves- because he doesn't have to do any work... we simply condemn ourselves and he just smirks his devilish smirk. The rain falls faster and with more velocity because if circumstances can bring us down, then he won't need to push us anyways. __Yet we are "more than conquerors" so we need not fall into this thought or disgrace for the power of the spirit can lift us from this negative thought___

Even as I type this in attempt to never forget simple thoughts of a child; Nicholas starts talking about how Jesus gives us hearts to chose his way or we sometimes choose poorly but he loves us still. That's the gospel straight from the mouth of babes: freedom to chose his way and his truth but also love in the bad choices still. Grace that covers it all! Of course in his 5-year old mind he compares bad choices to "bad guys" but the concept was there- and what a concept to grasp!!

The SON (of God) surely warms the cold and wet parts in our hearts- hurts caused by people, by heartache, by simply the brokenness of the world. The son, the one and only son. He warms us with his light. His warmth reminds us of his favor as his faithfulness. The rainbow in our hearts keep account of his shining. That beautiful rainbow reminds us of his promise. Our rainbows can take many different shapes,forms, and of course many different colors.  Maybe the rainbows of our soul come from a place of forgiving where it isn't easy or fair. Other times rainbows are colored by accepting or giving grace to others. Furthermore our rainbows carry us back to place of remembering. Even if it rains so hard that we think we may never get dry again; the son shines in perfectly into our deepest, wettest and most torrential downpours. He clears it up- he always does. Rest in him as the rain falls in our lives and trust in him when he provides his comfort in warmth. Because "the SON gives us warmth- he dries up all the wet parts"

This week I had many moments when I thought "It's raining, but I chose to believe the SON gives me warmth." I shall not despair or sit under condemnation but rather gather up the soggy socks and walk forward in confidence that the dry weather will come. It isn't the dry weather we wait for though, we sit in the rain drenched with a heart of joy. We can choose to dance in the rain and embrace the muckieness that is life some days.

Dance and let the SON warm you even when... you get a huge bill from the hospital for more than you have in your saving. Because when the Son warms you he provides with not only provision for the whole bill and debt eliminated but also a 20% discount to the paying party. Freely dance when you have your record wiped clean because when I look at a debt being paid I see the Gospel. I see our sin and utter helplessness in death and remember a savior sent to save us from the pit of death.

 "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:2

Dance and let the SON warm you even when... you are stuck in traffic on the interstate. Because maybe that traffic somehow had God's sovereign hand wrapped up in it.. because he knew your car would stall. He knew going 70mph and a car stopping would be death but he chose life so therefore he chose traffic. Slowing my vehicle down enough to realize, ughhh whaaaa....what is happening?! Choosing joy even after the tears flow because you realize that without his hand in steering you off the highway you would be dead. We would all be dead though, without his rainbows; without his remembrance of what his son did... he warms us even in the chaos of tow trucks, mechanics and even lack of faith in the moment of distress. H e   r e s t o r e s , he renews... and you drive away the next day praising all the more loudly. 

"The lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down." Psalm 145:14

Dance and let the SON warm you even when....you are tempted beyond your self control. Sit in the reality that dancing with a sin is like dancing with fire- we will get burned. When the son warms you and reminds you of his grace, then CHRIST grabs hold of your hand and dances you into remembrance of his light being shed on all things and why convictions of the spirit are a thing to be pressed in on to hear clearly rather than put on mute so your sin can run rampant. RUN, run fast the other way so you can dance freely in the arms of one who knows even the deepest darkest things and yet love you still deeper, stronger, wider.

Dance and let the SON warm you even when... you face broken relationships, failures, tragedy, triumph, sadness, sorrow, depression, anguish, faithlessness, hopelessness, broken hearts, bitterness, fears, trauma, health issues, Cancer, poor results, bad feedback, innumerable obstacles, disadvantage, financial struggles and the list goes on. At the end of the day we can chose to remember the rainbows despite the rain, and better yet dance in the storm. We can walk in confidence because we know God has us in his sovereign hands and choose to trust him even when our hands shake when we praise or pray. 


"As servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: By great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger, by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy spirit, genuine love by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; for honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet known; as dying, and behold we live; as punished and yet not killed; as sorrowful yet always rejoicing; as poor yet making many rich; as having nothing, YET POSSESSING EVERYTHING."                                  
2 C o r i n t h i a n s 6:4-10

\\5 Days//

I fly home in 5 days. five\\5.

The reality of going home has all gotten a lot more real. I woke up anxious that I may have missed saying goodbye to the team of sweet recent high school grads and their counselors I so dearly loved. I open my door that looked onto the street still with sleep in my eyes and saw them all ready to go. I yelled DON'T LEAVE threw on clothes and ran downstairs to embrace these sweet girls. The last 10 days have been challenging for me, knowing with every passing day and milestone of their trip my time here was soon coming to an end. Early on they found out about my going home. Since these girls were in transition from high school to college or even sweet Hannah who is moving to South Africa they understood my feelings of transition well, they were living it too. They were gracious and understanding, two things I very much needed the last weeks I spend in Haiti. As I hugged each of them and told them all they are incredible they were off. So was I. I know I was not on their van driving to the airport but in an instant I was reliving two years ago when I had to ride two hours to Port-Au-Prince just to get on a plane teary eyed praying Lord, I don't understand.

I don't understand this time either -- in 5 short days I will be that same teary eyed girl walking up to the American Airlines counter looking like a fool. Oh how my heart wants to fight back so much saying "that's it I'm done with this life" when I know that's a lie and I'm not okay, I'm not done. The devil has tried to fill my thoughts with reasons why I should be "done" in many different forms this week. One came in the form of a teenage boy who as I greeted him coming down the mountain he called me ugly as if he just said the sky was blue or the grass green. Hardness of heart encamped around my sensitive spirit and I had a moment of  "Maybe I should be done with Haiti altogether- just forget it." Then I was suddenly enraged at that very thought. I cannot simply be DONE here. I know I go home in less than a week, but being done it putting something behind you and I cannot and will not ever put Haiti behind me.

Living here I have learned more than my share of lessons that the devil would like for me to throw out the instant I hit American soil. That won't be so, I won't lose the sensitivity to his spirit nor the compassion for other and a resolve to serve even when it's difficult. I won't lose the joy and love that many have poured into me this year with their smiles and encouragement, I won't lose the grace that others gave me as I was learning a new language or simply learning in general. Those things are to be taken though my life with me and I won't let the devil tell me otherwise.

There has been a fight in my head lately about why I was going home. My heart said NO, YOU CAN'T and my spirit said, but you must. Once again I am feeling like I am being ripped from the very place he called me and settled my heart here. How can it be God's will to have me leave I wonder many times. I have prayed repeatedly for the Lord to be CLEAR if he wanted me to stay in Haiti beyond my initial year mark. You want to know what he said. NOTHING.

Lots of confusion has swirled around my mind as I tried to make sense of that. Jesus called me from my home, comforts, and will into his grace and love here in Haiti but he does not have me hear longer. At least not now... Not this season. I am aware that his seasons are simply for our Good. I could use some time to process and spend time talking to individuals that encourage me into God's will at all times. However this season is probably the most difficult for me transitionally because that suddenly means no Haiti.

No more chickens, pigs or cows waking me up in the morning. No Saturday feeding where my heart is blessed knowing children are consuming both spiritual and physical food. No more little voices calling my name from the mountain so very far away that I need to look around to even begin to orient the direction the voice came. No more greeting the women in the kitchen, loving on them and telling them I appreciate them as they shove a plate of food in my face and are so happy to share. No more late nights on the porch looking at the stars in the heat thinking, how is this real? No more dancing with little ones on Fridays and allowing the expression of Joy be released from their bodies as we giddily prance around the church. No more kinder babies running up to me jumping in my arms and feeling safe as I am filled with glee at every sweet ounce of Love received as I embrace them. No more.

No more? How can this be so.
I am simply holding fast to my faithful and true Heavenly Father for I know he has a will and a plan even if I don't know that plan. He is alone the one who gave me the sounds of waking up, the chorus of animals chirping or mooing. He gave me the pleasure of being blessed on Saturdays at the feeding. He also called my name when those children from so far away were compelled to yell it at the top of their lungs, he was on the tip of their tongue. He also cooked with my ladies and danced with my girls and hugged all my kinder babies. He was in all those things and he will ever be in all things. I will see it- I will look and find him in the transition. His hints of grace and echoes of love in each thing. Even if those things I am not yet familiar with just yet, even if it's hard. I know he is there in the hard transition from grace in Haiti to grace in America. His grace stands. He is good. He will always be.


Please join me in prayer as I transition. For grace and for the individuals who will be around me in my meltdowns that will inevitably be brought on by what is simple in the states yet so hard or unfamiliar here. Where even a simple trip to the store might send me into a spiral of emotions. It's a transition that I never truly want to recover from because I know I am never done with Haiti. Haiti is always with me and I am so grateful for that. I will never recover from a country that has allowed the Lord to lavishly fill me with grace, love, hope, joy, peace and much more. Life here was hard, it was not anything like home, it took adjusting but I welcomed the change because despite my momentary discomfort I understood it would produce fruit . Pray that I welcome this change back "home" just the same as I trust Jesus has a plan. Pray for his will and discernment to lead me onto the next chapter or for a season of stillness to fill my heart in ways that only his power at work can do.

 Oh how I am grateful I was chosen to venture with Jesus to the unknown. I pray I am grateful to once again follow his leading and see what excellent things are in store. May Christ always receive the Glory, may he be illuminated in not only my time here but my transition back home as well. Let him be seen. Let him be Glorified, always.

Beautiful Suffering

Last year a good friend of mine was going though a really difficult struggle in her life. I sympathized with her heartache but simply didn't know how to comfort her other than pointing her back to Jesus- because he does a far better job being compassionate than I ever have or ever will. I do remember during my prayer time for her I asked the Lord to just give me a glimpse of her pain, her plight. I wanted to understand more fully because I cared for her enough to want to share in suffering with her just to be able to identify more with the nature of her heart.

That's the thing about Love- It's willing to suffer just to get closer to your heart. It's willing to want to go deeper in pain and suffer on behalf of relating to you. After all- that's what Jesus did, that's why he came. He came to suffer in hopes that we would see how his suffering related to our lives- that his sacrifice had everything to do with his Love and compassion but that's not the end of the story.
The suffering our savior encountered on that cross -ONCE AND FOR ALL- (Read that again) gave us power. His power, the same power that Raised Jesus from the dead now lives in us if we Trust Jesus with our lives.

 "I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms." Eph 1:19-20 

So if we have this power, how can we begin to understand how to use it... What to do with it? First the revelation of this power should not allow us to boast in ourselves rather in the giver of life. We must remember in his death and baptism we died with him, and in his resurrection we will rise with him in new life in his righteousness. ((Romans 6)) Now, no longer do our stains of sin seep though the surface because we have a robe of righteousness that covers and that robe is the Suffering of Christ. 

So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin. 1peter 4:1 

So it turns out not only do we have power over death, we have power over sin! The Lord has been gently reminding me of this fact lately. I know my life has been splattered with sin's signature stink and I continue to need an abundance of Grace which Jesus is so gracious to present to me, but it doesn't end there. His signature is one of grace and love beyond all compare - it cannot be revoked if our hearts are postured toward the son.

We are victorious over sin. That doesn't mean we won't ever sin rather it's our posture. We can claim victory over sin that has dragged us down into the pits more than once. The sins we hide and push away-- ashamed that an evil can exist as such in our hearts- so we "run" from God and "hide" our failings.

He gives us a way out, a way for sinners- A victory over those secret things- Over the failures that we can hardly verbalize. He has given us this because he loves us. He suffered so that we would have VICTORY over such things.

 "Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Romans 8:37 

This past week I was reminded about these secret things by our very own Moto driver here. He had been acting off lately so I pulled him over and asked (In broken Creole mind you) if he would share with me what was bothering him. He went on this whole long explanation about how everyone has secrets and that he simply could not share with me. I reminded him that even if he could not share those secret things with me he can share those things with Jesus because he already knows what's going on in his heart. I was praying he could understand how the victory of Jesus was meant to give us victory as well though the burden being poured out onto Jesus-- It's great news!

I've recently been faced with an Idol that I had NO idea that existed in my heart. I was so burdened that in the face of this sin I took it to the father and he called me to fast.... Only I failed. I heard the Lord say I was to fast and seek his face and starve the Idol in my heart but I turned again from his precious face and into the arms of the Idol I fed. Such heartache I encountered. I am grateful that he picks us up from our heartache and turns us to the father who says look to my son.

 "For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day." John 6:40 

That heartache was such as when I was suffering not long ago as a response to my prayer nearly a year earlier to experience some of my friends suffering. I realized amidst the trial that this struggle was to open my eyes and give me compassion not just for my friend but also for a sliver of the suffering encountered on the cross. It certainly doesn't compare, but remembering his suffering for my freedom and victory gave me hope that this desert would become an opportunity to share in Christ's death and resurrection. It's a strange thing to feel so convicted, lost, deserted then remember with great grace- this must have been the tip of the iceberg of what Christ felt for us all that day he was lead to Calvary. <He must increase I must decrease> As for my Idol, the battle isn't over I am afraid I will fight that until the day I meet the one who suffered on our behalf but I do have great confidence in his blood's power in my life as I claim victory over sin. All sin, "small sin" ugly sin, hidden sin, blatant sin, comforting sin, sins of omission, sins of commission, sins of old, any and all sin. I remember that sin does not have the final word. He already spoke those words....

                                 "It is FINISHED" John 19:29-30

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