Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Celebration of Stillness & Broken Pieces Renewed

Before I left for Haiti I had a season of stillness.
That included very little to do and lots of processing on my couch.

Wondering what is to come and how to prepare?
Knowing we never truly can be ready but rather need to stand tall in the spirit.

I remember feeling shame for sitting on my couch day after day feeling so unproductive.
Feeling useless and just ready to move onto what God had for me, where God had me; Haiti.

Then I was sent into the mission.
*Like a whirlwind*
He stretched me in ways I wasn't sure I was capable of stretching.
He grew me in areas I wasn't anticipating growth.
I danced in the storms and cried over this world being utterly broken.
There was trial in places I hadn't ever been tested.
I fought for what I believed in and the convictions he gave me.
There were broken pieces floating around my heart just surviving day to day.
Then suddenly a year has past and I just stand amazed

Those broken pieces...
They are still there, the broken shards of my heart attacking even simple daily functioning. That's what you aren't ready for when you go on mission; the recoil and the picking up of all that was thrown about in your life, but I'm going to tell you a secret; it's worth all the pain. Floating around waiting to be redeemed and repaired by the ONE being that can do such work. A savior who desires to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together for our good and his Glory. He is a compassionate savior who knows the deepest darkest parts of us and isn't scared away because he made us that way. He is faithful in the recovery and repairing because he knows what broke us to begin with and he know the one thing that can heal us: HIMSELF.

"Even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed" 1 peter 3:14

I'm back on the couch. This time it's not even mine.
This time in freedom. To rest and remember.

To sit in stillness before a God who chose to surrender his own son for my sake.
To be humbled by circumstances enough to trust he has a greater plan.

Although I have battled condemnation from the enemy for being in the season I'm in...
I know I have a father willing to pick up the pieces and lovingly repair what is broken.

Let no one tell you what season you should be in... let not culture, nor age, nor any other factor determine where you are to be... because if we can trust in stillness he will repair, then it's enough. It's enough to be right where we are in him, in freedom. It's enough for our souls to be simply satisfied in him alone.
You are enough. 

There is a funny thing about value that the devil want's us to hide under fear; fear we aren't worth it. He wants us to believe our failures and flesh make for uselessness. If it's one thing I've learned from believing that lie for far too long it's that for every lie we embed...deeper goes the truth. Over and over this year I felt as if I had little value. Nothing to give, it was never enough. I lived in this defeated state of mind but as I look back on my story I can see it. Etched into every memory and every doubt the gem of hope. The truth that tells: YOU ARE VALUE. Why? Because he came for me. He bled and died because he valued our lives over his. He rose and was seated at the right hand of God because there was enough good in him that he chose to value you all the more. Even in our sin. He valued us then. You, dear child are VALUED. Never forget it.


It's funny how we find healing;

Sometimes it's a conversation with a stranger in your foreign tongue and it feels like your old friends reminding you about all the failed conversations a year ago and how he enabled you to learn far more than you would have ever believed.

Sometimes it's admitting you are broken to your boyfriend, and instead of judgement he looks at you with the most compassion in his eyes and says: "but we are all broken." Yes, yes we are.

Sometimes it's a song that comes on at all the right times, and the dancing that comes with it.

Sometimes it's a silent prayer and the tears that flow from it in your car... the one Jesus gave to you out of faithfulness and his favor.

Many times it's talking with sisters in Christ and realizing this life is far too hard to do it alone and you thank Jesus for each other... laughing, crying, and all the dramatic and beautiful moments you share.

A lot of times it's scripture washing over wounds like the ocean; cleaning out the gunk and feeling the sting of the salt but becoming purified in the process...renewed by the washing.

So when he calls you to wait, wait in him. Wait in stillness for the truth and promise he brings with him...because without it we are caught up in our own tangle of lies we chose to believe. We could even slowly slip into believing this season is useless, and we would be mistaken. Because the recovery of the crop is necessary for the new harvest to take form. The resting of the soil enables good fruit to grow. The sitting on a couch enables healing in freedom to flow. So when we are in weird seasons remember that he brings us THROUGH the desert land to the PROMISE land. There is a promise, and the promise is healing, redemption, and new life! 

If nothing else, that's what I am praising God for today. HEALING, REDEMPTION, NEW LIFE.
Won't you join me in the celebration? In the stillness we will celebrate his work!


Friday, July 18, 2014

\\5 Days//



I fly home in 5 days. five\\5.

The reality of going home has all gotten a lot more real. I woke up anxious that I may have missed saying goodbye to the team of sweet recent high school grads and their counselors I so dearly loved. I open my door that looked onto the street still with sleep in my eyes and saw them all ready to go. I yelled DON'T LEAVE threw on clothes and ran downstairs to embrace these sweet girls. The last 10 days have been challenging for me, knowing with every passing day and milestone of their trip my time here was soon coming to an end. Early on they found out about my going home. Since these girls were in transition from high school to college or even sweet Hannah who is moving to South Africa they understood my feelings of transition well, they were living it too. They were gracious and understanding, two things I very much needed the last weeks I spend in Haiti. As I hugged each of them and told them all they are incredible they were off. So was I. I know I was not on their van driving to the airport but in an instant I was reliving two years ago when I had to ride two hours to Port-Au-Prince just to get on a plane teary eyed praying Lord, I don't understand.

I don't understand this time either -- in 5 short days I will be that same teary eyed girl walking up to the American Airlines counter looking like a fool. Oh how my heart wants to fight back so much saying "that's it I'm done with this life" when I know that's a lie and I'm not okay, I'm not done. The devil has tried to fill my thoughts with reasons why I should be "done" in many different forms this week. One came in the form of a teenage boy who as I greeted him coming down the mountain he called me ugly as if he just said the sky was blue or the grass green. Hardness of heart encamped around my sensitive spirit and I had a moment of  "Maybe I should be done with Haiti altogether- just forget it." Then I was suddenly enraged at that very thought. I cannot simply be DONE here. I know I go home in less than a week, but being done it putting something behind you and I cannot and will not ever put Haiti behind me.

Living here I have learned more than my share of lessons that the devil would like for me to throw out the instant I hit American soil. That won't be so, I won't lose the sensitivity to his spirit nor the compassion for other and a resolve to serve even when it's difficult. I won't lose the joy and love that many have poured into me this year with their smiles and encouragement, I won't lose the grace that others gave me as I was learning a new language or simply learning in general. Those things are to be taken though my life with me and I won't let the devil tell me otherwise.

There has been a fight in my head lately about why I was going home. My heart said NO, YOU CAN'T and my spirit said, but you must. Once again I am feeling like I am being ripped from the very place he called me and settled my heart here. How can it be God's will to have me leave I wonder many times. I have prayed repeatedly for the Lord to be CLEAR if he wanted me to stay in Haiti beyond my initial year mark. You want to know what he said. NOTHING.

Lots of confusion has swirled around my mind as I tried to make sense of that. Jesus called me from my home, comforts, and will into his grace and love here in Haiti but he does not have me hear longer. At least not now... Not this season. I am aware that his seasons are simply for our Good. I could use some time to process and spend time talking to individuals that encourage me into God's will at all times. However this season is probably the most difficult for me transitionally because that suddenly means no Haiti.

No more chickens, pigs or cows waking me up in the morning. No Saturday feeding where my heart is blessed knowing children are consuming both spiritual and physical food. No more little voices calling my name from the mountain so very far away that I need to look around to even begin to orient the direction the voice came. No more greeting the women in the kitchen, loving on them and telling them I appreciate them as they shove a plate of food in my face and are so happy to share. No more late nights on the porch looking at the stars in the heat thinking, how is this real? No more dancing with little ones on Fridays and allowing the expression of Joy be released from their bodies as we giddily prance around the church. No more kinder babies running up to me jumping in my arms and feeling safe as I am filled with glee at every sweet ounce of Love received as I embrace them. No more.

No more? How can this be so.
I am simply holding fast to my faithful and true Heavenly Father for I know he has a will and a plan even if I don't know that plan. He is alone the one who gave me the sounds of waking up, the chorus of animals chirping or mooing. He gave me the pleasure of being blessed on Saturdays at the feeding. He also called my name when those children from so far away were compelled to yell it at the top of their lungs, he was on the tip of their tongue. He also cooked with my ladies and danced with my girls and hugged all my kinder babies. He was in all those things and he will ever be in all things. I will see it- I will look and find him in the transition. His hints of grace and echoes of love in each thing. Even if those things I am not yet familiar with just yet, even if it's hard. I know he is there in the hard transition from grace in Haiti to grace in America. His grace stands. He is good. He will always be.


Please join me in prayer as I transition. For grace and for the individuals who will be around me in my meltdowns that will inevitably be brought on by what is simple in the states yet so hard or unfamiliar here. Where even a simple trip to the store might send me into a spiral of emotions. It's a transition that I never truly want to recover from because I know I am never done with Haiti. Haiti is always with me and I am so grateful for that. I will never recover from a country that has allowed the Lord to lavishly fill me with grace, love, hope, joy, peace and much more. Life here was hard, it was not anything like home, it took adjusting but I welcomed the change because despite my momentary discomfort I understood it would produce fruit . Pray that I welcome this change back "home" just the same as I trust Jesus has a plan. Pray for his will and discernment to lead me onto the next chapter or for a season of stillness to fill my heart in ways that only his power at work can do.

 Oh how I am grateful I was chosen to venture with Jesus to the unknown. I pray I am grateful to once again follow his leading and see what excellent things are in store. May Christ always receive the Glory, may he be illuminated in not only my time here but my transition back home as well. Let him be seen. Let him be Glorified, always.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Allegory: Waterfalls


Close your eyes with me. Imagine yourself in a quaint little cabin on a large piece of land. You are distracted by something that at the moment seamed like the world- but as you look back now you cannot remember what it was you were doing and mostly why it was so important. You are sitting and it is still outside. The children have been fighting with their heavy eyelids fighting to stay open but alas, they fall into slumber. You are anxious but you don't know about what. It's a matter that will affect many people around you, many you care about and you feel a pressure to do something but you simply don't know what that something is, or even simply the next step to get to that something. Fear covers you like a blanket and you shutter. About the time you feel a loss of hope for the future, you hear it. The faint rush of something outside. It's small and still but it is there you are sure of it. You stand up and look out the window and that action alone sends anxiety coursing though your veins. You look back at your sleeping family and take a deep breath. The kind where you half breath half hold your breath. Suddenly you hear the sound again this time stronger and something inside says "find it, seek it out. watch and see what will happen."  You try to shake off the feeling but it overwhelms you so you give in. You step outside the cabin and start walking in the direction of the melodious beautiful sound that you can't quite make out now but you are sure it's attainable.

You walk toward the pitter patter that is out of reach you walk faster as you hear the rushing surges of water at each step you look forward with familiar anticipation of the ultimate refreshment even though you have never been to this part of the woods. You can't describe it but somehow the things you were anxious over melt away, your wandering heart become set on this one goal: reaching that beautiful sound and finding complete refreshment forever. You don't necessarily know what that looks like but somewhere along the way in your path to search out this sound you run into a man. 

He is kind, he says he can help you find your way as you seam to be in a hurry and the fall of dawn was upon you. You are fearful at first because you remember what has been said about strangers- especially strangers in the wilderness. However something in your spirit  is calmed in his presence and you are thankful he could lead you as you soon become weary from your venture. He calmly reminds you that just up ahead the wellspring is there. Its rushing water- that is the sound you have been hearing and you are even more determined to get there now that you know you could drink there... you will not waver nor turn back. You desire rest for your feet for you feel you have been walking for days, months, years maybe. You look up to the man beside you and he looks strong, able to easily carry you. When there is no more steps that you can physically take you ask the gentle man to take you into his arms to complete the journey and reach the water at last. He without hesitations mounts you upon his back and says some words that seam familiar but you can't place them He says confidently " Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."  You repeat them back to yourself as if they were once an old children's story you were fond of as you are being carried and are so relaxed you nearly fall asleep. 


Then you see it- up ahead there is a large mountain, bigger than you have ever seen. There falling off the precipice is the gushing gurgling most beautiful sight and sound of a magnificent waterfall. It seams too good to be true. You are nearly blinded by the light that is reflecting off each pass of water surge brought into a deep pool where  you rush to submerge your body. The refreshing cool covers your body and you take a large drink and it seams to quench every thirst you have ever had. You oddly remember this feeling as if it were a dream, one you may have had many, many years ago when a child.

You swim over to sit under the waterfall and you feel it suddenly envelop you-- Amazing Grace. This is the sound. This is it. All I've ever needed right here in the submission of the water to the pull of gravity carrying the splashes of water across the edges as if it's dancing just for you. And there He is, the man who guided us here holding those things in his hands. You don't quite know what to do as you watch his hands motion like a beautiful conductor- he gestures to the waves and whispers to the splashes. The bubbling of the wellspring below you warms your body in the most relaxing way. The gravity pulling each stream of water down, down, down into the pool screams of obedience they have to this man.  You suddenly burst into song, but you realize this song isn't to the cliff in which the water rushes down nor for the water that dances or the chorus it makes as it splashes all around you- it's for the maker alone.

You shout as loudly as you can " HE IS GOD, HE IS GOOD. STAND HERE- UNDER THIS WATERFALL-SEE GRACE LIKE NEVER BEFORE" as your breath breaks you mix your own tears in with the water and realize that all along that sound, the callings, the journey, even the neediness of being carried here was all for his praise. It's in his grace alone that you turned to follow the sound of Grace calling you no matter how faint the sound was and ran for the waterfall. Then when you where weary and could not go on the dark night of the soul enveloping you in ways you would rather not speak of as to bring you down, that was worth it too. The challenge in the journey and the fatigue is mixed with the emotion as Joy overflows. If we only were to look at the turmoil that is caused by the journey to finding the waters edge we would miss the grace in which it envelops. We would miss it altogether and the whole journey would be in vain. Only grace, by that man only Jesus Christ could possibly lead us to the abundant outpouring of his love, mercy, kindness, and favor. He desires for us all to run for this waterfall of his outpouring of perfect grace.

It does not end here.

Then just when you are filled with this complete peace and knowledge of what the waterfall means and how great the refreshment and fullness of a gift and blessing it is suddenly it stops flowing and you do not see the man. You are alone in the wilderness. "How can this be" you think? "How can the flow of grace streaming from above cease to cover me?" Was this just a dream and did I really with complete certainty experience this life changing refreshment and have I really been changed from it? How can the man that lead me here suddenly be gone without my seeing it at all. How can that be good? What is good again? You are forced to walk home only you can't find the way, you think it's this way, then that way and then you simply walk in circles.  You don't understand why such goodness could not last, why on earth could you experience complete and full feeling and now everything is simply grey.

Slowly or rather fast  depending on your perception of the time the memory of water makes you angry. Finally, you walk back to the place that you were when you first heard the rush of water faintly in the distance and sit. You sit in your anger and you let it rise within you, as if the waterfall owed you it's constant flow; you remember it so clearly but somehow it's lost its refreshment for your soul. You can't cling to what you don't know and you already sacrificed so much to find it - because when you left in search for the sound you left behind a mess and the memory comes back of what once was so important and built anxiety in your heart.

We all have to survive through the winter and thus you place the waterfall in the back of your mind as you bitterly go about your days of labor without even a sip from the spring. You cant even take a small break for the fear that you won't make it and since the water isn't anywhere to be found you build a big wall around your heart ever hearing of that following sound again. You loath even having to take a sip of tepid water in the fields as you remember flowing water from above and you glance at the birds in the air as they freely dance and eat and drink without a worry. You think, why can't it be that simple? Doesn't he care for me? ((YES, CHILD!)) The brink of desperation sets in and the crop is failing- winter will be longer than you can provide for and suddenly your crying out for ANYTHING. You think the man who lead you to the waterfall has abandoned you and even in your time of need he won't come so why bother to ask him for help, so you don't. A little ounce of you wishes he would come to save you even without asking just to prove you wrong but mostly because you need to live and eat and function.

Then you hear again the faint trickle of water and your heart skips a beat- you don't quite know what to do. Leaving now and running to the water would only put you farther behind in your important  work to stay alive and for what? For the water to dry up and care little to continue flowing for your livelihood. You are distraught as you remember the wonderful refreshment that is the crystal clear waters jumping off the cliff as if it was their soul joy in life to do so. That thought now pains your heart and you aren't able to hear the sound any longer. Just as you want you push out the sound and dig deeper your own grave.

The man comes to your house so that you might be lead back to this place, but in your stubbornness  when you see him coming and he kindly greets you with a wave: you turn and run to close the door and lock it. The man gently knocks, you claim that you are far too busy to go on some hike to see a waterfall and even if you were not busy you certainly where not going with him after all he has done to not make you prosper and "left you alone."The man knocks again on the door and slowly says "I never left you nor have I forsaken you, and I never will." You toss the words about in your head and they begin to soothe your soul but the calluses on your heart need more wearing down in order to open the door. He reminds you "while you were away and anxious, I was preparing a place for you." You still don't believe him but wish you could then he begins again. "I have knit you together in your mothers womb I know your innermost being." "Maybe that is why he is being so patient with me" you think but still something pings in your mind to stay and work not to follow this man. You are caught between your burdens and your desires.  You remind yourself where your desires lead you last time... up the river and with a long hike back home to the tasks you have neglected.

Then you hear a faint whisper though the door "come follow me" you feel like yelling now because you are so conflicted but you stomp your foot and clench your fists instead. You don't want to let go of the wrong that has been done to you by submitting to that voice again. After all when you got back from that lovely journey you weren't able to plant anything in the field because it was past the season for planting, so you were behind all your neighbors. You finally planted everything but had to battle to remember that rainy season was over so you hoped it would rain but it never came- you were simply late. Your crops shriveled and died around the time everyone was harvesting. You have no way of providing for your family. You are mad,  and say to the man at the door "If only I hadn't gotten so distracted, I would be fine... I wouldn't have to scramble." That's when the man at the door says, " no matter your effort, this crop was going to fail ... but it's not because I am not good, follow me and see." At this point you are so exhausted from fighting and hurting and you are realizing that you simply won't be able to make it past this winter either way so you step toward the door. Once step, then two and you stop.

You stop and instantly remember that surge of grace falling on you in the waterfall of his hands. How? Because he is good after all you suppose even with hurt in your heart you somehow can feel his goodness.

You take another step and open the door. He isn't mad because he had to wait for so long, or because you were defiant in following him...he knows the flood of grace covers that too. He simply invites you to follow him and so in the quiet of your heart you say "yes" even though so much of your brain and flesh says "no." He starts you off at a slow pace just like before, then a faster walk, then just as you thought you were there you take an unexpected turn. You look at him inquisitively. He simply continues you down that path farther and farther away from the waterfall. He places you under a cider tree and calls you to rest in his hands.  You don't question him as you are very tired from the journey so you fall into a slumber in mere seconds. While you were sleeping the man leaves. You wake panicked, How can this be? He called me once, left me dry...came and called me again and now he is nowhere in sight. "I know I should have stayed" you think. Then you hear a voice, you can't fully understand from where but it simply said "follow the sound" and instantly you remember that gurgling joyful splashing from the mountain top into the pool of grace once again.

You look up with determination as you know your mission. You listen carefully and somewhere far in the distance you hear the sound again. It very well could have been there the whole time but you were so set on not hearing you simply couldn't make it out. You rise to your feet and start walking. The closer you get your pace quickens. Your face turns from mournful to joyful, you simply cant help but smile nearly laughing. You run full speed when you see the man again, standing at waters edge. He greets you with open arms and lifts the water to your parched lips. You nearly knock him down with excitement and he isn't ashamed of your near undignified praise at his feet. You thank him for his small voice that lead you to him. He says "well done good and faithful servant." You ponder that statement and recall how little faith and goodness you were being, but then you suddenly are enveloped by the waterfall again and remember the glory of which they speak of him. You remember he pour of Grace... this is why he calls me good and faithful, because of his grace. You are even more joyous than before and you didn't think that was possible. In the mist of the water pouring over you in perfect Grace you turn to the man, fix your eyes on his face and ask " when will this run dry, and what am I to do with my fields and for the winter."

He catches your words like the pools catch the graceful fall of water from the tops of the mountain and he tells you "Child, I simply moved the flowing water for what is best for you, for the greater joy of your soul. I needed for your fields to fail so that you would follow me and move to where the waters surge again. If ever the water is to cease falling the waterfall is awaiting you in a new place, but trust me it never runs dry." You look to him confused. You ask, "How could you let me walk away from the waterfall before?"  He replies, " Dear child I was there pointing you in the direction but you looked up with such anger at the water's end you simply could not see me. I came to lead you back, so that you may receive what is abundant life but you must understand my ways are not your ways." You slowly are awakened to the reality of the Kingdom of God and the treasures being stored up in heaven. With every move to a new waterfall of grace, no matter how difficult, even if it costs much it's worth the eternal treasure. The blessings flow and the grace of the splashing waters surround so you are covered. You are lead by the movement of the water and if it says stay or go. You obey because you know the maker of the eternal well and are reminded:

"The LORD will always lead you, satisfy you in a parched land, and strengthen your bones. You will be like a watered garden and like a spring whose waters never run dry."

This was inspired by a small line from a sermon by John Piper from 2002 the line reads " I tell people to stand under the waterfall of grace, and if it moves you follow it."

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Flaking Skin (Sin)


As I am sitting on my hard tile floor, I pick off the dead- sunburnt skin from my shoulder. I look on the ground and become increasingly disgusted by the sight of my brown sun drenched thirsty skin just sitting on my floor. I go get the broom and sweep it up for what seams like the 100th time this week.

This isn't my first sunburn. Growing up in Florida I'm pretty accustom to the fact that the sun's rays can do some serious damage and yet somehow I applied my sunscreen a little less than liberally on my last trip to the beach. I look at my speckled skin in the mirror, some fresh new pinkish white skin and other blotches of flaky dead and dying skin. It's amazing what our bodies were created to do. I was curious the amount of skin our bodies shed on their own with no sun exposure so I did some really legit research and google'd it. The results were pretty amazing- in just a single day our skin sheds about 14 million particles of skin so in just a year that makes about 1.5 pounds of skin. Yea, it's kinda gross but think about it for a second, we are constantly becoming new. Every Skin particle that falls from our bodies is replaced with new fresh skin underneath, it's incredible!!

I was thinking about how even simple functions of our bodies are are made for call us to look to the Lord with wonder and amazement. There is something deeper here. Even simply breathing is a miracle in itself- maybe it's because I'm not a medical person and don't understand all the inter-workings of our bodies but I think there is a greater reason for the unknown- for the mystery of life to send us in pursuit of the creator of life.

I was reading Romans 8 today and a this verse stood out "For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin. He condemned sin in the flesh in order that the rigthetious requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." (Romans 8:3-4) 

Now remember my flaking skin? That burn that was so bad, the relief as it turns out, is loss of flesh. Isn't it so with sinfulness. The result of a big sin (or little for that matter), a heart that has deceived, a mind that has wandered, a flesh in pursuit of our own demise is always a loss. We must lose the flesh in order to gain newness. I don't think this verse will ever get old to me 2 cor 5:17 "Therefore If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation, the old has passed away, behold, the new has come"  because I need that new layer of skin each day. The layer of skin flaking off all my sinfulness so that I can walk according to the spirit. The reminder is simple, we must remember to look at our flesh to see the burn we are causing when we don't walk by the spirit as we should. Even when the skin hurts- like after a sunburn repentance is so much sweeter and we gain a new layer of skin to protect us. 

One called Grace. 


We all need this layer to not only continually protect us but also to point us back to something we cannot do for ourselves- cover our dying flesh in grace. We don't deserve new skin when we have been walking for so long in our flesh, refusing to flake off the pieces so dear to us. Idols can be clung to our skin like glue and we are deceived when we think that if we flake that little piece of skin (sin) off we will never have a covering there (better protect ourselves with death) so we hide our dying flesh away as it rots and we begin to smell.


Romans 8 also says "to set the mind on flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is LIFE AND PEACE."


Our flesh says- "look at me!! Even though my layers are weak and flimsy (I will pretend to be strong) I'm still more attractive than newness." Or even our self-denial saying "I still don't think it's time for us to part, I am still a part of you, you cannot escape me." Colossians puts it rather bluntly "Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry."  We must remember that the very flesh we are living in must be put to death in order to find newness of life. Take those scales of sinfulness and flake them off one by one in order to receive a newness of life, to walk in the Spirit covered by Grace.

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Cor 7:10 also makes it plain that our burnt dying skin will only bring us what a dying thing can- death. 

The good news is we have an option and repentance is that option- we can be lead to salvation and the newness of our flesh in a Godly sorrow of the sinfulness. We must remember that repentance is a sweet thing, it's from the Lord, Leads to life, ends in Joy, looks to Jesus, is a blessing and Leads to new identity in Christ.  I say this and urge you to remember the very first chapter of Romans 8  "If you are in Christ there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus." Conviction and Condemnation are two very different things. Condemnation is from Satan, leads to despair and ends in sorrow, no wonder the liar wants to convince you that conviction brings you these things, but that is simply not true.

The funny thing about this sunburn also is that because I don't have a full length mirror I have no idea where I am pealing. In the places I can see  such as my arms, those places are rather easy to tear away the old skin and reveal the new, but I cannot see my back... I have no vision there. I need another person to point out, even help me flake off the useless dead skin in order to reveal the newness aching to come to the surface. It's the very same thing with our sin. I think many of us are too scared or grossed out by their own flesh to ask for help because if we can't see it, maybe it doesn't need to be bothered with...right?

The reality is the less we see the more we have need for vision, we need all the help we can get when it comes to the areas of sin we cannot see. That's when a sister points out your pride and you look at them like, NO I AM NOT BURNT THERE (ha, ha). Or when we Point to another persons pealing skin but miss altogether the flesh rotting on our own backs because we refuse to see. Don't let a lack of vision keep you from shedding that weight. Jesus wants to take it... all the dead,scaly and gross flesh. He wants it all, not just what we can see and that's why we need a community of sunburnt people to call out in a loving way where dying flesh needs to be removed so new flesh can take place. New flesh covered in Grace and filled with the Spirit!! Come Join me, sit in the sun and remember how we can protect ourselves from our own flesh by looking to the newness offered in Christ Jesus.

"Behold I am making all things new. Write this down for these words are trustworthy and true!" Rev. 21:5

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Mountains and Valleys - Humbling Dependence


I wish I could dress up this blog post for you, make it both beautiful and inspiring but the truth is more than anything lately I have been humbled. I am in the middle of John Piper's book -Desiring God and a quote that called me to prayer this week was this "Prayer humbles us as needy and exalts God as wealthy." This is exactly why I am sharing these tough stories with you today, we are all in need of humility to boast even more loudly about our Gods wealth!  Being broken is humbling, needing two twelve year old boys to climb down a mountain and a good cry session to walk back up it is equally humbling. A friend recently told me that brokenness creates cracks in our lives  that are actually areas where we can let the Light of Jesus shine out of if we let him. Here is my attempt to let him shine though my rather gaping crack.

Before I begin I need to share a few stories in light of context... Bear with me.
When I was a sophomore in college I went though a very traumatic event which lead me to many anxieties thereafter. During this time I was accustom to many panic attacks. One night, nearly 4 months after the incident I went with friends to go play capture the flag. I was excited and running around with everyone when suddenly I was in full blown panic mode. What was most confusing and enraging about this specific attack is there wasn't even a feeling of fear that had taken over my thoughts- rather I had just gotten into the rhythm of breathing that my brain associated with a panic attack-- so I had one. I was beyond confused myself as my friends ran around trying to find me water and as another friend calmed me down. It was humbling to realize that even just the rhythm of breath could send me into full on attack mode so I since avoided running and many strenuous activities. Thankfully the Lord was gracious to me and this was simply a season in my life where the Lord defined what dependence on him looked like. He was teaching me that panic was no way to control any situation and rather clinging to him and his promises was the only way to cope.
"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13



Less than 2 months after this event I was laying in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. I had been sick for a week at this point but even I was shocked when I realized how sick I really was. During my time at the hospital there was never a diagnosis, just a lot of tests and pain meds. On one particular night I was in so much pain that I cried out to the Lord. I told him that if he wanted me he could have me, that I would rather be w
ith him anyway. Being with him would far outweigh this life and I would happily meet him that day if he desired.Suddenly his still small voice spoke to me as clear as I have ever heard the Lord before. He said " I have plans for you, Amanda."  That was enough for me, if he had a purpose to keep me here I would endure today and this season for I know the Lord is faithful. He was, he always will be.
Three weeks later I was mostly recovered and was finally back at school learning what my limits where- learning how to say no, what I could and couldn't do on account of my health. To be honest I am still figuring that out. In the grand view of things its not about what I could or couldn't do but rather what the Lord was teaching me; to depend on him and I would not have to worry. Jesus teaches us this over and over again in our lives yet he is still willing to teach it again. We can depend on him- he knows our limits- he knows our hearts- we can depend on him always. And I know this because "My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19

Fast forward to 2014, last week the group I live with went on an adventure to one of the most beautiful beaches in Haiti. I was a little anxious the night before because I heard how there was a 45 minute hike down to the beach and a hour or so hike back up to our car I was a little unsure I would make the trek but I could not miss this opportunity. Before we made our assent I prayed that the Lord would provide help and give me safety in his arms, no matter what happens. As we were beginning to make our assent we saw the most magnificent view and I took out my camera to capture it. There were two boys watching our group as we passed and were paying particular attention to my camera. Often children here haven't ever seen a photo of themselves so I asked if they would like me to take their photo. They both said yes in a very excited manner. I quickly snapped their photo, showed it to them and was on my way. Very soon after the road became a  foot path and was increasingly steep so much so that I was calculating each step.  


Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure Proverbs 4:26



It seamed my friends were already well on their way so I was trying to catch up to them when I suddenly fell. I twisted my knee and scraped it on the rocks. I let out a startled scream and my team yelled to see if I was okay. I wasn't  actually sure but said Yes and to go on without me. Little had I known the boys I took a photo of where right behind me. They helped me up and brushed me off. They pointed to my bleeding knee and said "blese" which is the verb to cut in Creole. I thought about how cool that actually sounds that something as not fun as a cut can sound like a blessing, and it was. That cut was a blessed opportunity to be increasingly humbled.

I was shaken up a bit and since the path was still very steep for me the two boys helped me down. They held my hand and made sure I had sure footing. At one point I realized I was still shaking but I was so thankful to have these sweet boys be my guides. Just as we were about to reach the beach I remembered a book I had read aloud in the car on the way to Colorado with two of my best friends. The book is called hinds feet on high places. I was reminded of this book because in it the main character- much afraid (whom now in retrospect was certainly acting like) was lead on the steep and torturous path to the sheppard which was God character. She had two guides and their names were Sorrow and Suffering. I chuckled as I remembered this and thank the Lord for my version of sorrow and suffering to cling to on this ascent down the mountain.  God was faithful in getting me to his most beautiful creation and I was certainly thankful, certainly humbled, yes mostly humbled.

We had a good day at the beach, I played with local beach children, searched for quite a loot of sea glass, and got to lay in the sun admiring all the Lord created. It was rather glorious and nearly surreal and then I remembered sorrow and suffering and the hike up the mountain I soon faced. I began getting anxious because I wouldn't have my guides this time- I was probably still going to be far behind the group and I doubted I could actually make it up the mountain. We started the climb and at first I was doing fine- I had to fight to keep up with everyone but I was building my pride no matter how much it hurt. Then I reached a point where I simply could not keep up the pace with everyone anymore. Still despite my better judgment and knowledge of my limits, I was pushing harder than ever before just to keep up. What pride. UGH. Pride is so ugly, and even uglier when you were literally just humbled on the path down. How quickly pride forgets humility, or maybe that's what fuels it? Every time we are humbled we are given a choice to accept the humility or let it fuel our pride to never be humbled again. Then it all went downhill. I couldn't keep up, and I was mad- there were so many things I wanted. I wanted to be able to enjoy this hike like everyone else and not struggle. I wanted to breathe normally and not think I was going to throw up every two seconds.  I wanted so badly my health to not hinder me anymore but mostly I wanted to be in control. I was breathing rather rapidly then suddenly I was in panic state then like a stinkin baby I burst into tears. 

THE LORD BROKE ME. 

I am not in control and I never will be. If its on my own accord I can do nothing. I must rely on him for my health and everything else. It was silly, but I knew the Lord wanted me to see more. He wanted me to see sorrow and suffering firsthand. He wanted me to again learn the lesson to depend on him and he has all things working together for my good and his glory. I am thankful for the Lords favor in that moment. Dan had stayed back with me as we climbed and witnessed me burst into tears. As the father he is, he was tender and loving. He didn't rush me or make fun of my emotions, although he did crack a joke about needing to keep all the water I had inside my body and I actually did chuckle at that one. The Lord spoke though Dan as he comforted and coached me up that mountain. Reminding me that it wasn't a sprint, it was a marathon. So is life. 

Dependence is not simply a lesson we learn once and move on, I feel it's a lesson we learn and re-learn though seasons of life. Because it takes a lot to break though our pride and desire for control, still God is faithful even if he presents sorrow and suffering as companions. Through anxiety and panic attacks I learned to be dependent on the lord. Though illness and a life that is lead with the prospect of being right back in the same hospital room builds dependence on the Lords favor- especially living in a third world country. It's important to remember for my own sanity that nothing that has happened to me in my life is outside the scope of God. He knows what I experienced that brought on such trauma, he knows how my head spun as I sat in a hospital waiting for answers that never came. He also knows my heart when I climb a mountain and cares deeply that I learn to depend on him. Never once was any of that outside of his control because he is sovereign. If nothing else he is showing me that dependence is an action. He is showing me that despite what the world says to become independent my only real saving grace is dependence on the one who lavishes unmerited grace. How blessed are we. Even when sorrow and suffering are our guide that we have a peace that surpasses all understanding because we have the peacekeeper as a guide.

"My spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name." Luke 1:47-49




Sunday, December 29, 2013

Childlike

 
 
A Child's heart is to be captured, embraced, loved.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

As a 23 year old I often feel the imbalance between childhood and the brink of adulthood. It's a struggle to remain in the framework of child-like faith yet facing the sobering realities of life. I can hardly imagine how some children I encounter in Haiti face this hard truth everyday- that their childhood reality is ripped away. Children as young as 5 doing all the household chores... cooking, cleaning just to "earn their way." In Bondage, taken hostage their childlike tendencies and demanding a new framework out of necessity. They grow up in an instant, lacking time to giggle, run, dance, and the freedom to be a child.

I look into longing eyes every day. I see hunger and pain. I watch children carry other younger children up a mountain to receive their only meal in God-knows how long. I witness countless children longing for affection running up to me for a simple hug. Many fight over being held and played with because they so desperately desire attention. Much of the behavior issues I deal with result from a child acting out because that's the only way they know how to seek attention. They are so thirsty, not only for water but for their hearts to be filled the way a child's should be.  

"Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink, whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them." John 7:37-38


So many adults don't want to see this. They don't want to see those who hurt because it brings up hurts of their own. As an adult there must be something those eyes have to do, they must see responsibility and weight with every glance in a third world- or in a first world for that matter. Yet I think the weight is a Godly weight. If we shielded our eyes from those who hurt, we wouldn't see as a child does.

I was sitting talking to Blondine, a sweet teenage neighbor who I spent a good deal of time with last summer. She was telling me how she sees the injustice of her country and God's goodness in the same breath. How can that be? An adult mind would have to rationalize two conflicting realities, yet she observes plainly: the broken world in which the Kingdom has yet come, and the Goodness of God in the fact that the Kingdom of God has already come.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega--the beginning and the end," says the Lord God. "I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come--the Almighty One." Rev. 1:8


Sure, it's easier to be blinded. It's easier to seek comfort. It's easier to plan your own life, than to let go and offer up your life plans to the maker of life. The boldness it takes to abandon your own plans in place of something radically different takes childlike faith. I often feel as if the world constantly struggles to place the blindfold back on my eyes, taking bits of the childlike out of my perspective. Sometimes with comfort in reach, even simple things like ice and electricity I feel I am slowly becoming blind. It's as if all the discomfort was actually allowing me to see after all- to shed that layer that blinds and restrains. Are we really giving up the awe and wonder of child-like eyes for ease and comfort? It's a shame when we can't see though the fog of our own pacifying flesh continuing to whisper... you don't want to see... seeing is a challenge, better just sit in the dark. 

Slowly, however I do see.
The Lord gives me glimpses.
Just a half second glance into the eyes of Christ and we would all be hooked.
I see in a way I believe Christ sees.
That's my prayer each and every day... to see with his eyes.
I'm pretty sure Christ has childlike eyes.
He sees wonder in a glance, and awe is a normal skeptical at his creation.
He doesn't see the lack before him, rather the fullness of child likeness.

Look with childlike eyes, see Christ who will be exalted among the nations.
Look with childlike eyes, see a generation willing to say yes to difficulty for the kingdom.
Look with childlike eyes, see peace to capture universal hearts, starting with you.
Look with childlike eyes, see freedom in Christ as a blessing beyond all measures.

Take back the rationality
Take back the pride
Take back the criticism

Replace with Faith
Replace with rejoicing
Replace with thanksgiving
 
and...
 
"come in the fullness of the blessing of the gospel of Christ." (Romans15:29)
to the very throne of Grace.

 
 




Sunday, November 10, 2013

Broken, Refined, Found:


There is just something about sea glass that I love. Its texture, speckled cloudy color, various shapes and sizes, but mostly the search.

It's seeking them out among the rubble that I love. Like a ruby amidst rubbish, a diamond in the rough, a beautiful pearl in an oyster. Like a great treasure to be found, waiting to be admired by the right pair of eyes. I assume many walk past these pieces of beauty everyday and miss the hidden jewels.

Today as I was so blessed to be walking along the beach I set out to round up these beauties, searching for my gems. Each time I spot one my heart does a little dance, it leaps about as I watch them glimmering in the sun just waiting for me to behold them and call them precious.

As the sea rose and fell I went about my search, scanning the sand filled with debris, rocks and trash hopeful to find the pieces that make my heart dance so. Just as the father seeks us out, searches our souls and is hopeful for our obedience to his calling. We make his heart dance as he is forever constantly seeking out his treasure.

You see there is something unique about sea glass that I find so beautiful. The process starts with a bottle or other glass product that was tossed to the wayside, not even given a second thought by the littering party - discarded as useless, broken, and lacking any potential.  As the pieces of glass sit on the beach they wait, waiting for the tide to wash them, to cleanse them. They are vulnerable to the power of the wave and the nature of the tide. They must wait to be refined, they must submit to the power of the waves beyond them. The tumbling begins in its timing and starts refining the piece. Taking what was once sharp shards of glass and polishing them, making them soft and smooth as they toss about the sea and the rocks. This process occurs over and over. Large pieces become small, and what was once jagged becomes soft. It has been refined. 

We all, like sea glass need refining and begin in the same nature. In order to be refined we must first be broken. Broken to sin, to the weight of our separation from the perfection we cannot attain. He reveals our sharp edges and we fall away to the wayside over our very broken nature. We wait then for the maker, for his tide of love and peace to overwhelm our hearts. As we discover his greatness we are flooded with a certainty that this refining may actually have a purpose. We may be made new. We first wait for the tide, waiting for the Lord to take our vulnerable hearts and mend, bring together broken pieces and make them whole for renewal. Then we must go though the tumbling, the tossing of the sea over the rocks, waiting for the tide as it naturally rises we await our renewal. This does not just occur once however, but a continual breaking, waiting, refining is in process.  It's not just a once time dip in the ocean that will make us new, but a constant repeating edifying, edge softening, daily tossing with hope to me made more like Jesus. The tide never stops, it is always faithful and comes to work on our broken pieces, we must submit. We are just as vulnerable as that small piece of glass yet with the hope of a future to live to know the maker and eternally sing of his worthy name! We are but broken jagged pieces waiting to be broken, refined, found this is the process. Praise God for the process. 

Sometimes I like to think God sees us as I see sea glass. Beautiful in each their own way. No matter their amount of refining that has occurred or needs to occur. Calling them precious in his sight because they are vulnerable to the sea being obedient in the washing. Seeing the beauty in the ashes and watching the process refine his beloved. He picks us out among the rocks and trash and calls us beautiful even if our edges still require tossing. He sees the beauty in the making even when we aren't willing to be refined. He watches with joy as we toss about in the water, submitting to his will. He sings over us when we are made in his likeness and  are being softened to his will and way.  He calls us out among the rubbish and takes us though the storm with him, never alone. He feels the toss just as we do but knows of the renewal he has in mind. He sees the big picture, the mosaic he is creating. We are transformed and made new by his very hands and vulnerable to his power and thankful in the refining of our broken pieces. I pray I no longer look at what is broken in my heart in a way that shames me but rather a way that allows for softening to occur, for transformation by refining power by the maker.

When I don't understand missing pieces...why Children go without food...why Abuse continues it's cycle...why Evil is so persistent and taunting I am thankful for the tossing of a wave in remembrance that He makes all things new!

That which was broken, those who are poor of this world he also chooses to be heirs in the kingdom. Thanks be to God that he takes what the world casts out and calls rubbish and draws it to himself. He calls out the broken pieces to be made new and vulnerable to the refining process. Far exceeding our expectations Lord, as we will one day understand the refining he lavished on us in grace.

Today I am thankful for the process. For refining, for the search our Lord does to make us new. I'm thankful that we have hope and a future because of the promise our savior secured for us on the cross and in his resurrection.

He was beaten so we could be broken.

He was nailed so we can be refined.

He died so there could be a process that we may be made new in his name.

He was risen so we can be found.

The once crystal clear glass becomes cloudy in the process, in the tossing and refining - the beautiful process.  Let us embrace what has been broken in order to be made new and with thanksgiving praise him where we are in the tumbling of our sharp edges. We were made in his perfect image and when we cracked due to our sin we should have been tossed by the wayside, seen as useless and lacking no potential. Thankfully our fathers beautiful plan picks up the broken pieces and creates a new way to watch the beauty break on the shore. No matter the difficulty of life here, the tossing, the constant thrashing of trial I must love the process. I must remember he makes all things new, even if I can't see it or don't understand it. And I'll say it again, He makes all things new.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Magnified Gratitude

Have you ever walked into an experience totally oblivious to how God might reveal something to you? It happens to me pretty frequently, mostly because I am too focused on my own thoughts in order to see what God is prompting. He softly says, “Look child I have a sight for you, not seen by your eyes but your heart.” (2 Cor 5:7) I wiped tears in the small cemented room God so sovereignty placed me in for less than 5 minutes yesterday.
I had heard God’s stirring in my heart to start a Respire Haiti Photo blog I began praying about who God wanted me to photograph first, he continued to place Fifi- our incredible housekeeper on my heart. I had watched how she praises the lord for all things big and small. As I talked over photographing Fifi with Megan she expanded on her sweet thankful spirit explaining that every pay-day when she receives her money she immediately raises her hands and repeats “merci jezi” (Thank you Jesus) over and over. So many instances I have found Fifi praising the Lord, doing laundry, dishes, cleaning I wouldn't even be surprised if she was worshiping our God even when she was in the bathroom. Oh how her spirit radiates pure thanksgiving to our Lord.
For nearly a week I had told Fifi I wanted to come home with her to photograph her there, she would joyfully respond “pa gen pwoblem”. I finally got my opportunity yesterday around 5:30 it had just finished raining and I saw she was carrying quite a load so I helped carry some of her items home.


As I scan though the photos I took, one stood out. She had just opened her door – freshly painted light blue and the joy on her face just radiates. As she walked into the house she did something I was familiar with her doing- lifting her hands in praise and thanking the Lord. I had walked home with Fifi once last summer to help her carry some things and I remembered how the Lord made me take a breath after I realized what she was doing. She was praising the Lord for her four walls, no matter their condition just pure praise. Sure by our standards it may look like she didn't have anything to praise over because she had no electricity, no running water (she took her daily supply from our house) a small bed that felt more like wood two by fours stacked together, yet she was thankful. My heart took a step back that moment last year and again in that moment yesterday to catch my breath for such beautiful thankfulness.
She offered me the only chair she had in her home to sit on as per cultural norm I sat and thanked her. Suddenly I realized I wasn't actually here to photograph her, God had something bigger for my heart to learn.  I snapped a few photos but wasn't actually concentrated because I was overwhelmed by how much my heart was seeing. Fifi was settling a few things on her bedside table as the tears welled up into my eyes, I had been so concentrated for the last month on all that I did not have (comforts of home, simple foods like cheese, the ability to just call a friend) that I didn't see the tremendous blessings he had before me. I was missing it altogether and in that moment in her house I realized my foolishness and was so thankful for God’s grace. I wiped my tears fast out of fear that she may see my tears and due to the language barrier didn't want her to think I was crying over her circumstance. She had abundantly more than enough maybe not by the world’s standards but certainly in Christ. She then informed me that she was going to a prayer meeting at the church and invited me. I respectably declined as I need to get home because it was getting late.
 My heart was so filled upon leaving her home that I took my sweet time walking home reflecting on the gracious heart that I had just encountered and prayed my heart would in turn become transformed by Christ in the manner God molded Fifi’s.  The sun was setting and I was thankful for the stillness of the town after a rain, for the cool breeze regardless the temperature, for the simple sweet glances from children as I passed, for the meal I was arriving home to. In that moment my heart was beginning to shed the thoughts of my flesh and taking new shape in gratitude and thanksgiving for all things that lie before me, I just needed to take the time to see with my heart as the Lord prompted into eternity.Magnified gratitude. Magnified thanksgiving. Magnified Christ in all circumstances. He holds all things together; I remember and breathe in a new understanding of peace.

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Sunday, August 11, 2013

Atrux is finally in Haiti !


I cannot express how much peace and contentment I felt going up the mountain the first night back at home. I was in Haiti. Finally, after praying...seeking...waiting...waiting...waiting and mostly trusting; I was home.

Three hundred and sixty four days after I wept getting on a plane to leave this country I was now weeping that God’s provision and plan was so good, perfect and excellent beyond what I could have imagined for myself.
“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” -Lamentations 3:25

He was so good to my soul because right as I took my first steps on the mountain my heart was even more filled when *john* began running at me from ridiculously far away. He never slowed down, only continued running faster and faster yelling my name over and over. I ran toward him and hugged him telling him I never wanted to let go and I missed him! His precious smile welcomed me back home on that mountain and I couldn't have dreamed it any better.

Our God is a God of homecomings. He is running at us full speed ahead yelling your name awaiting a greeting of love. He dances at the sight of obedience and delights in our joy for following his commands.

However something I wasn’t prepared for when I arrived back in Haiti was things I had forgotten. I was constantly focused on the things I remembered most about Haiti because I was looking forward to those things, yet so much I had forgotten.

Our God never forgets, even when we do.

I had so easily forgotten what happened a year ago, people I met, names that somehow have slipped though my less than perfect memory and a language I could once understand. I reminded myself to have grace over my initial days in Haiti and continue to pray for memory and resolve. Thankfully the Lord filled my heart with contentment to finally be here and that’s what matters most because my memory may fail but my God never will. However, please continue to pray for my memory!

On Saturday Rita, Sharon and I went to the market and upon our return I ran into two beautiful women I had taught in English class last summer. They lit up when they saw me, YELLING my name. Initially I was upset I could not place their names in my mind yet then I remembered the Lord allowed me to remember their sweet faces and that was enough for me. There is grace.

Yesterday I was reading Ann Voskamp’s blog and this quote stood out to me:
Peace is a Person. No one can steal Peace from you. And nothing can steal you from Him”

That truth became real when I realized that it wasn’t just finally being in Haiti that has given me peace, it wasn’t seeing familiar faces and being embraced by children I truly loved in every way I knew how. It was Christ. Peace is certainly a person and that person was a Son to be killed for my sin. That person suffered in flesh yet rose to new life. That person fills my every breath and peace is within it. I’m okay forgetting a few things; I’ m also okay adjusting to a drastically new world in peace only because I know the peacemaker himself.  He is the prince of peace.

How good is our God that we may know peace because we know him.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16.33

-ATrux (FINALLY) in Haiti

Monday, April 1, 2013

One year

One year ago today 4/2/2012

365 days.

Has it really been a year?

This day last year I felt a HUGE urgency to fast and pray for God’s will.

He made himself clear. So clear, he wanted my heart to become broken for Haiti. He began that day one year ago and his faithfulness amazes me. He is amazing! He keeps pushing my heart in the direction of his will for my life! Praise God!

The following is from my journal on this day last year:

“Lord, I need scripture about your provision, plan, and will. Also, scripture about your desire for me to serve the least of these, as well as scripture about your truth and sharing that truth and how you will protect me doing that if you so will. I trust you!”

Then he revealed to me these scriptures that I hold close to my heart;

Isaiah 6:8                         Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Psalm 121:1-4                 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
                                     where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

 

Isaiah 50:4-5                    The Sovereign LORD has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know what to say to all these weary ones. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign LORD has spoken to me, and I have listened. I do not rebel or turn away.

Isaiah 54:10                      He said to me, "You are my servant, Israel, and you will bring me glory."  I replied, "But my work all seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose at all. Yet I leave it all in the LORD's hand; I will trust God for my reward."

The praise of prayer followed by tears of joy one year ago;

            “Oh Lord, you heard my prayer and showed me with your word a great reassurance, security, you’re will, faithfulness, guidance, and your hand that was in all that is my heart for Haiti. I pray that I continue to take these concerns to you and seek for truth in your word so that I can hear you clearly and be guided by your will not my own. Thank you Lord for your great plan for my life and showing me that you alone are good and you alone are God. Praise be to your name!”

            I write this to show how good and faithful our God is. A year ago he stirred in my heart what was to be my future, and I trusted him, even though it was not easy. Before I encountered God that day I remember writing down all my fears on a piece of paper, in black marker. Bold and ugly. Fear is UGLY. Then as he faithfully showed me his truth through the word and I began ripping that paper (all my fears) up! Fear no longer had any power, because I recognized his immense love! 2 Timothy 1:7 states “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” I saw it clearly, his love that washed away all my fears and that lead me in self-control to see his will above my own.

            I’m humbled today to be sitting in that same great, vast, extraordinary love of the Lord that is stirring my heart to return again to Haiti now with a deeper understanding of his will. I need your help though, I must raise 3,500 in a very short time, but I trust that God’s timing is perfect. Would you prayerfully consider supporting sending me back to Haiti to therefore see the Lords will be done? I appreciate all your prayers as I am being constantly prepared by the Lord, and trusting that He will provide for my needs in the way he wills. If you feel the holy spirit leading you to trust God’s movement about what I will be doing in Haiti come august read more about it here:HERE!! :) I am overjoyed to be sitting in this day a year later reflecting on God’s goodness. I pray you are lead to do the same though reading this post. Glory be to God!