Magnified Gratitude

Have you ever walked into an experience totally oblivious to how God might reveal something to you? It happens to me pretty frequently, mostly because I am too focused on my own thoughts in order to see what God is prompting. He softly says, “Look child I have a sight for you, not seen by your eyes but your heart.” (2 Cor 5:7) I wiped tears in the small cemented room God so sovereignty placed me in for less than 5 minutes yesterday.

I had heard God’s stirring in my heart to start a Respire Haiti Photo blog I began praying about who God wanted me to photograph first, he continued to place Fifi- our incredible housekeeper on my heart. I had watched how she praises the lord for all things big and small. As I talked over photographing Fifi with Megan she expanded on her sweet thankful spirit explaining that every pay-day when she receives her money she immediately raises her hands and repeats “merci jezi” (Thank you Jesus) over and over. So many instances I have found Fifi praising the Lord, doing laundry, dishes, cleaning I wouldn't even be surprised if she was worshiping our God even when she was in the bathroom. Oh how her spirit radiates pure thanksgiving to our Lord.

For nearly a week I had told Fifi I wanted to come home with her to photograph her there, she would joyfully respond “pa gen pwoblem”. I finally got my opportunity yesterday around 5:30 it had just finished raining and I saw she was carrying quite a load so I helped carry some of her items home.

As I scan though the photos I took, one stood out. She had just opened her door – freshly painted light blue and the joy on her face just radiates. As she walked into the house she did something I was familiar with her doing- lifting her hands in praise and thanking the Lord. I had walked home with Fifi once last summer to help her carry some things and I remembered how the Lord made me take a breath after I realized what she was doing. She was praising the Lord for her four walls, no matter their condition just pure praise. Sure by our standards it may look like she didn't have anything to praise over because she had no electricity, no running water (she took her daily supply from our house) a small bed that felt more like wood two by fours stacked together, yet she was thankful. My heart took a step back that moment last year and again in that moment yesterday to catch my breath for such beautiful thankfulness.

She offered me the only chair she had in her home to sit on as per cultural norm I sat and thanked her. Suddenly I realized I wasn't actually here to photograph her, God had something bigger for my heart to learn.  I snapped a few photos but wasn't actually concentrated because I was overwhelmed by how much my heart was seeing. Fifi was settling a few things on her bedside table as the tears welled up into my eyes, I had been so concentrated for the last month on all that I did not have (comforts of home, simple foods like cheese, the ability to just call a friend) that I didn't see the tremendous blessings he had before me. I was missing it altogether and in that moment in her house I realized my foolishness and was so thankful for God’s grace. I wiped my tears fast out of fear that she may see my tears and due to the language barrier didn't want her to think I was crying over her circumstance. She had abundantly more than enough maybe not by the world’s standards but certainly in Christ. She then informed me that she was going to a prayer meeting at the church and invited me. I respectably declined as I need to get home because it was getting late.

 My heart was so filled upon leaving her home that I took my sweet time walking home reflecting on the gracious heart that I had just encountered and prayed my heart would in turn become transformed by Christ in the manner God molded Fifi’s.  The sun was setting and I was thankful for the stillness of the town after a rain, for the cool breeze regardless the temperature, for the simple sweet glances from children as I passed, for the meal I was arriving home to. In that moment my heart was beginning to shed the thoughts of my flesh and taking new shape in gratitude and thanksgiving for all things that lie before me, I just needed to take the time to see with my heart as the Lord prompted into eternity.Magnified gratitude. Magnified thanksgiving. Magnified Christ in all circumstances. He holds all things together; I remember and breathe in a new understanding of peace.

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Atrux is finally in Haiti !

I cannot express how much peace and contentment I felt going up the mountain the first night back at home. I was in Haiti. Finally, after praying...seeking...waiting...waiting...waiting and mostly trusting; I was home.

Three hundred and sixty four days after I wept getting on a plane to leave this country I was now weeping that God’s provision and plan was so good, perfect and excellent beyond what I could have imagined for myself.

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” -Lamentations 3:25

He was so good to my soul because right as I took my first steps on the mountain my heart was even more filled when *john* began running at me from ridiculously far away. He never slowed down, only continued running faster and faster yelling my name over and over. I ran toward him and hugged him telling him I never wanted to let go and I missed him! His precious smile welcomed me back home on that mountain and I couldn't have dreamed it any better.

Our God is a God of homecomings. He is running at us full speed ahead yelling your name awaiting a greeting of love. He dances at the sight of obedience and delights in our joy for following his commands.

However something I wasn’t prepared for when I arrived back in Haiti was things I had forgotten. I was constantly focused on the things I remembered most about Haiti because I was looking forward to those things, yet so much I had forgotten.

Our God never forgets, even when we do.

I had so easily forgotten what happened a year ago, people I met, names that somehow have slipped though my less than perfect memory and a language I could once understand. I reminded myself to have grace over my initial days in Haiti and continue to pray for memory and resolve. Thankfully the Lord filled my heart with contentment to finally be here and that’s what matters most because my memory may fail but my God never will. However, please continue to pray for my memory!

On Saturday Rita, Sharon and I went to the market and upon our return I ran into two beautiful women I had taught in English class last summer. They lit up when they saw me, YELLING my name. Initially I was upset I could not place their names in my mind yet then I remembered the Lord allowed me to remember their sweet faces and that was enough for me. There is grace.

Yesterday I was reading Ann Voskamp’s blog and this quote stood out to me:

“Peace is a Person. No one can steal Peace from you. And nothing can steal you from Him”

That truth became real when I realized that it wasn’t just finally being in Haiti that has given me peace, it wasn’t seeing familiar faces and being embraced by children I truly loved in every way I knew how. It was Christ. Peace is certainly a person and that person was a Son to be killed for my sin. That person suffered in flesh yet rose to new life. That person fills my every breath and peace is within it. I’m okay forgetting a few things; I’ m also okay adjusting to a drastically new world in peace only because I know the peacemaker himself.  He is the prince of peace.

How good is our God that we may know peace because we know him.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16.33

-ATrux (FINALLY) in Haiti

I am NOT Naive; A Surrender

For a few weeks a thought has popped into my head almost everyday that I can't quite shake.
"Am I naive?" "Do I really think I can do this whole moving to Haiti thing?"
I have been walking into this thought somewhat blindly, as if I can brush off this overwhelming feeling of something bigger in my heart bubbling up. I know what the devil wants me to do with this thought and if it's as he has planned he will have a field day. I've got to tell you too, that he has tried very hard to use these lies against me in order for fear to overtake my heart. HE WON'T PREVAIL.

The lies continued to flow all from that one thought;

"You can't do this"
"You aren't prepared"
"See, you aren't working hard enough to prepare... you can't be that dumb."
"Are you really blindly going into this?"

^How ugly is that?
Twisting my saviors sweet time of rest before I do the work set before me come august.

I'm not going to lie, battling all these lies hasn't been a walk in the park.
I've spent more time defeated in these lies than I would like to tell you about...many days and nights fighting sin and hurts specifically brought up with the purpose of drowning me in the reality of my own flesh. I AM HUMAN, my God loves me still. (Can I get an Amen?) I fell, turned around and I surrendered and he swallowed me up with his tremendous flood of grace and love. I don't deserve one ounce of this love, but he so tenderly loves us. Even in our sin, even in our hurt, in the middle of a storm he wants our surrender so he can fill us and remind us that he has control. Why would I ever worry or be defeated so easily for my saviors embrace reminded me that I am not alone, he will be working all things together for my good.

I may be naive to think that I can do it alone, sure. But I am not. He is with me always even until the end of the age (Matt 28:20). It's a promise, and God doesn't break his promises. NEVER, EVER.

I may also be naive to think I don't need to prepare, sure. But he is preparing me in the best way possible. My heart. The first place I need to prepare is my own heart, not lesson plans, nor any packing of a suitcase can fill me the way my savior is preparing a place in my heart for his work to be done. You can't buy that kind of peace, you cant muster up enough effort or know-how or even skill to face giants in life, we simply hold onto the hope of our Lord and trust with all we have.

To others it may sound naive that I am not taking "necessary precautions" but I know my God has it all in his hands, and no amount of worry will change that. No amount of preparations or precautions can make any instance better if all he desires for me is to trust him.

My heart must be willing to be taught, and I know that this is only the beginning. He is going to teach me so much in the coming months that I cannot begin to feel overwhelmed; therefore the beautiful lesson here as it always is "My daughter Trust me, I hold all things together and I will never let go of you, ever!" Rest in that truth.

I have been reading a book sweetly given to me by a stranger (I can call her a sister ) called kisses from Katie written by a sweet young girl who moved to Uganda following God's will. This excerpt really hit it home for me.

" 'Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle.' People repeat this frequently, I head it when I was growing up and I hear it now. It is meant to be a source of encouragement, and it would be if it were true.

But I don't.

I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and he takes over, proving himself by doing the impossible in our lives." -Katie Davis

I am blown away by how true this statement is for my life. I can't believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle because he desires to prove himself to us in his passionate pursuit of his children. Because he loves us and wants to display his sovereign rule. He was sovereign over the devil attacking me, and has grace for my flesh or any failing I may do in the process in pursuit of  his will. He will always be sovereign, he will always want to rescue us from ourselves and the devil; that's his nature that's his love in motion....he simply can't contain himself.

 Even when circumstances feel unstable, our God is the one holding that unstable platform under our feet building with faith, love, and trust that He always has and always will be holding us up. Put your hand on your chest, do you feel the oxygen entering your lungs, he holds even this breath right now in his hands. He is even more visible in the crumbling of our plans, expectations, and strength the first step to visibly seeing his work in our lives is surrender. Without our surrender, we simply are standing (or falling, rather) on our own.. We can either have victory in our own hands as a champion and be filled with pride (news flash: that victory wasn't on your own accord) or become defeated in life by circumstances, sin, or the brokenness of the world and we are buried in our own workmanship and beat ourselves up for our foolishness and human character. Either way pride is in the way, we have to surrender our pride with brokenness before the father and plead for his help. We already have someone pleading for us on our behalf, he is our advocate.(1John 2:1) Jesus Christ entire existence life, death and Resurrection is your plead. His grace fights our case and we can see clearly though his scars the impossible can be done only through God because with God all things are possible. (Mark 10:27).

I won't be foolish in believing lies that I am not enough, because the world wants me to believe the impossible isn't possible...but God is with me so that is proof enough for me to trust him. Christ will always be enough!

Where are you still fighting giants on your own accord and succeeding or failing yet still blind to the mighty one who saves? I challenge you to search your heart and surrender what lies inside your flesh lacking complete surrender to the Lord. He is ready to receive this surrender with his son's beautiful grace awaiting your cry. I pray for you as Paul did for the church in Ephesus;

"That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,  may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." Eph 3:16-19

Thanks for reading; feel free to let me know how I can be praying for you!

-ATrux(almost) in haiti

 

 

The Summer of Stillness

I'm a College Graduate!!!
Yea That happened.

I really can't believe I'm done. I honestly don't think it's gonna hit me until I've been in Haiti for a few months and realize one day: HEY...wait a minute I'm a graduate?!

No one prepares you for the Post-Grad life and what I've learned in this short time is that If I am to learn anything, it's going to be about my contentment. A few months ago I felt a huge burden that this summer would hold something special, a training ground perhaps for the contentment I need to live a year in Haiti as a single women. As a result I felt lead not to apply for any summer job, look for major things to fill my time, or even be involved in leadership at my church..gasp! Instead I felt he had stillness for me and for this summer, although I didn't know how challenging that would be yet.

I'm totally a list kind of Girl. I am productive and want things to be done. This past week and a half has wrecked me. Just about the only thing I have finished is a 90's television show that will remain nameless for fear of mocking. I can't complete anything to save my life and I think it's for a greater reason than I can understand at the moment.

I have struggled this week to understand why I am still in Fort Myers because CLEARLY, Lord... I'm ready to go to Haiti NOW(pride). Funny story, I'm totally not...and if this week has been any clue I have a far way to go in order to understand how to be still.

His will for this summer may not be working with kids at a wonderful christian summer camp (KAA 2010) or living with the an incredible family while looking after their children (Hart residence 2011) or even being an intern in Haiti doing the Lord's work (Respire 2012.) Nope, It's to be still. Right here. Right now. Still before the lord. This may not sound like the most challenging thing for you, but let me tell you...I will be (and already have been) challenged in many ways.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14 

So here is to my still summer 2013; the summer of rest. God help me actually rest!

Don't let me get you wrong, I have had a lot of well needed rest. Such as sitting on the beach or in a hammock just talking or reading and that has been lovely!! Yet, the entirety of my days are less filled lately (let me remind you; my personality wants to constantly find a project, job, activity or something - ANYTHING to fill my time, but God said still, and still I will remain) I feel that in this stillness is where I need the Lord to lead me more clearly. When I have every option in the world, he points me to his presence over and over and therefore fills me with a contented spirit living inside me. How good is our God, or what?!

What a beautiful gift.
What a precious savior leading me to the fathers arms.
What a summer I have ahead!

Here are a few ways you could be praying for me:

• That I would take advantage of this time and instead of waste time, invest it into the word and precious time with the Lord.
• For my heart to continue to meditate on contentment coming from no other place but a peace of the Lord, giving me a constant desire to know his will and follow it.
• To live in an active faith and confidence in the Lord that this summer is a foreshadowing of where my heart needs to be in order to be fully devoted to my mission come August.
• Other practical things I have have to prepare for before I leave for Haiti such as lesson planning, curriculum, and attempting to learn Creole (Can I get an Amen?!)

Also super random, but figured I'd share what I was meditating on today;

"Whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall." (1cor. 10:12)

This was a sweet reminder that it is not I who stands alone, but God holds me up and lest I forget where the strength comes from. Praying for that careful spirit in this season, where I could easily believe in my own flesh that I am standing... rather I know I cannot stand without his strength...even in a season of rest!

I also had an opportunity to look at the Miracle in Matthew 14 when Jesus fed the 5,000. What stood out wasn't the miracle of feeding the masses ( because let's face it most of us know the facts and figures in this story) rather, it was the number of leftovers that took me back.

"They picked up 12 baskets full of leftover pieces." Matt 14:20

Let's think about that number for a minute. 12 baskets, 12 disciples. Not only was this a miracle on a massive scale, but Jesus intended to have just enough leftovers for the disciples to each have their fill as well. My heart was so full as the Lord reminded me that he provides perfectly for our needs. Jesus wanted his disciples to not only see that he cares for the masses like those he fed, but each of us personally. Praise God for his personal attention into each of our lives. I pray you are able to see how God not only loves us all, but he loves us in specific intentional ways, particular ways personal just to you. That's the God I serve, a personal, beloved, mighty one who fills all of our needs!

-ATrux (almost) in Haiti

Tears of Faith

This week has been one of the most emotional weeks of my life, yet in the most beautiful and incredible ways possible.

There are many things to look forward to at this point in my life.

·         Graduation is in 15 days!

·         Haiti is in a little over 3 months from now!!

 

The lord has totally filled me with a reflective spirit this week. Not one day has my eyes not been wet with the sweet tears of joy and thankfulness. Let’s just begin with only 5 short days ago.

• Monday I was lead to fast and pray for Haiti as I had been very busy and he called me to focus on him, and just as I felt most confident in his spirit and rested in his will and plan HE PROVIDES in a huge way. I got in my car and found out about two very incredible donations and my spirit was just dancing! Here I was sitting in traffic on US 41 Bawling over the Lord’s favor, faithfulness, and will! He knows every need and fills them, he is faithful to provide!
 
• Tuesday I was somewhat ready for the waterworks as I prepared myself to go to the last Ignite I will ever attend as an undergraduate. Not only did I have to say goodbye to many brothers and sisters but I got to worship the savior for his work. What a way to exit, praising the Lord for not only his faithfulness this semester but also the last four years. His fruit was evident and abounding that night as 4 of my dear friends got baptized and I got to see how the Lord’s favor over all obedience is beyond what we could imagine. HE IS FAITHFUL. HE IS GOOD. He stood there with me the first day I entered that church and he lead me out on the last petitioning that it’s only by his grace that I could become the person he has made me to be today.
 
• Wednesday I had the most intense exam of my college career that was three solid hours long that consisted of eight sheets of blank paper. Go. I came home exhausted and I open a letter with a check in the mail from family friends and wept again for the faithfulness of the Lord! In my most weak moments he fills me. Refreshes me, and reminds me of his fullness.
 
• Thursday I sat around a circular table hearing of burden after burden from some of the most beloved women I know and continually lifting them up to the Lord. Our only response that day was prayer. It was only appropriate for the prayers of my Bible study leader to flood over me as I responded to the Lord’s faithfulness and accepted her gift of support as well. As I drove away I again wept, overwhelmed by the reflection of this week and how the fruit of obedience is sweeter than any could ever describe. He is good to his children, especially in obedience! This reminds me of Isaiah 1:19 “If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land”

• Friday (Today) I had to say goodbye to a dear friend of mine who I have been able to be blessed by walking along side, lifting her burdens to the Lord and mentoring her through her freshman year here at FGCU. I couldn’t contain my tears as we had to continually say “see you later” to avoid the dreaded “goodbye.” When we had to leave each other I read the sweet words she wrote in a simple card about how Christ in my life influenced hers and it made my spirit become filled with joy. FLOODS OF TEARS! A mixture of emotion from support, prayer, and thanksgiving for the growth the Lord has done in her life as well through only the Grace of God and willing obedience to pour into her. I did nothing, nothing, nothing all I did was obey and the Lord did the rest. He worked. He was faithful. He was the leader I was his child following his command even there!

I AM A MESS, but aren’t we all really? If we claim we aren’t messes in this world we have something wrong.

I couldn’t possibly have been that faithful. ONLY He is.

I also could have never influenced anyone’s life for the Lord without his leadership. Only He leads.

I certainly cannot raise even a dime of support without the convictions the Lord places and stirs in hearts to obediently give to the mission of the Lord. Only He stirs.

All I had to do was obey.

That’s it.

A simple, YES LORD! Your will not my own.

Yes Lord!

 

Yet sometimes that response is not the easiest, he has the most blessing for it!

Praise God for reflecting on my life the past four years and not seeing what I have done, but rather seen the Lord’s work. How I was hidden in his plan, how he molded me to his will and plan and desired for me to know of his fruit in the end. Reflecting this week has brought me to tears not because I am sad about any of it, but because it truly is only by his grace that I could be a part of any of his plan.

He lead me, he convicted me, he guided me, he reassured me, he held me, he calmed me, he filled me with peace, he celebrated when I celebrated and mourned when I mourned.

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free” Luke 4:18

What better word to sit in this week than this? What better victory than that of Jesus Christ. For his death to bring me life and his resurrection to give me hope.

I encourage you to reflect on ways the Lord has shown you his glory and fruits of your labor for the Lord, and if there is none at this point- seek him and ask in what ways he desires for you to be obedient. He fills us in ways we can’t even comprehend when we are obedient! In no ways am I implying I have always been obedient, I have also fallen in many ways. HIS GRACE COVERS EVEN THAT. Whatever that is for you, ask for his forgiveness and move forward in obeying his command. He desires to share with you the fruit of his work and display his Glory!

 

Thanks for reading!

-Amanda

One year

One year ago today 4/2/2012

365 days.

Has it really been a year?

This day last year I felt a HUGE urgency to fast and pray for God’s will.

He made himself clear. So clear, he wanted my heart to become broken for Haiti. He began that day one year ago and his faithfulness amazes me. He is amazing! He keeps pushing my heart in the direction of his will for my life! Praise God!

The following is from my journal on this day last year:

“Lord, I need scripture about your provision, plan, and will. Also, scripture about your desire for me to serve the least of these, as well as scripture about your truth and sharing that truth and how you will protect me doing that if you so will. I trust you!”

Then he revealed to me these scriptures that I hold close to my heart;

Isaiah 6:8                         Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Psalm 121:1-4                 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

                                     where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

 

Isaiah 50:4-5                    The Sovereign LORD has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know what to say to all these weary ones. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign LORD has spoken to me, and I have listened. I do not rebel or turn away.

Isaiah 54:10                      He said to me, "You are my servant, Israel, and you will bring me glory."  I replied, "But my work all seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose at all. Yet I leave it all in the LORD's hand; I will trust God for my reward."

The praise of prayer followed by tears of joy one year ago;

            “Oh Lord, you heard my prayer and showed me with your word a great reassurance, security, you’re will, faithfulness, guidance, and your hand that was in all that is my heart for Haiti. I pray that I continue to take these concerns to you and seek for truth in your word so that I can hear you clearly and be guided by your will not my own. Thank you Lord for your great plan for my life and showing me that you alone are good and you alone are God. Praise be to your name!”

            I write this to show how good and faithful our God is. A year ago he stirred in my heart what was to be my future, and I trusted him, even though it was not easy. Before I encountered God that day I remember writing down all my fears on a piece of paper, in black marker. Bold and ugly. Fear is UGLY. Then as he faithfully showed me his truth through the word and I began ripping that paper (all my fears) up! Fear no longer had any power, because I recognized his immense love! 2 Timothy 1:7 states “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” I saw it clearly, his love that washed away all my fears and that lead me in self-control to see his will above my own.

            I’m humbled today to be sitting in that same great, vast, extraordinary love of the Lord that is stirring my heart to return again to Haiti now with a deeper understanding of his will. I need your help though, I must raise 3,500 in a very short time, but I trust that God’s timing is perfect. Would you prayerfully consider supporting sending me back to Haiti to therefore see the Lords will be done? I appreciate all your prayers as I am being constantly prepared by the Lord, and trusting that He will provide for my needs in the way he wills. If you feel the holy spirit leading you to trust God’s movement about what I will be doing in Haiti come august read more about it here:HERE!! :) I am overjoyed to be sitting in this day a year later reflecting on God’s goodness. I pray you are lead to do the same though reading this post. Glory be to God!