Childlike

 

 

A Child's heart is to be captured, embraced, loved.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

As a 23 year old I often feel the imbalance between childhood and the brink of adulthood. It's a struggle to remain in the framework of child-like faith yet facing the sobering realities of life. I can hardly imagine how some children I encounter in Haiti face this hard truth everyday- that their childhood reality is ripped away. Children as young as 5 doing all the household chores... cooking, cleaning just to "earn their way." In Bondage, taken hostage their childlike tendencies and demanding a new framework out of necessity. They grow up in an instant, lacking time to giggle, run, dance, and the freedom to be a child.

I look into longing eyes every day. I see hunger and pain. I watch children carry other younger children up a mountain to receive their only meal in God-knows how long. I witness countless children longing for affection running up to me for a simple hug. Many fight over being held and played with because they so desperately desire attention. Much of the behavior issues I deal with result from a child acting out because that's the only way they know how to seek attention. They are so thirsty, not only for water but for their hearts to be filled the way a child's should be.  

"Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink, whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them." John 7:37-38

So many adults don't want to see this. They don't want to see those who hurt because it brings up hurts of their own. As an adult there must be something those eyes have to do, they must see responsibility and weight with every glance in a third world- or in a first world for that matter. Yet I think the weight is a Godly weight. If we shielded our eyes from those who hurt, we wouldn't see as a child does.

I was sitting talking to Blondine, a sweet teenage neighbor who I spent a good deal of time with last summer. She was telling me how she sees the injustice of her country and God's goodness in the same breath. How can that be? An adult mind would have to rationalize two conflicting realities, yet she observes plainly: the broken world in which the Kingdom has yet come, and the Goodness of God in the fact that the Kingdom of God has already come.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega--the beginning and the end," says the Lord God. "I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come--the Almighty One." Rev. 1:8

Sure, it's easier to be blinded. It's easier to seek comfort. It's easier to plan your own life, than to let go and offer up your life plans to the maker of life. The boldness it takes to abandon your own plans in place of something radically different takes childlike faith. I often feel as if the world constantly struggles to place the blindfold back on my eyes, taking bits of the childlike out of my perspective. Sometimes with comfort in reach, even simple things like ice and electricity I feel I am slowly becoming blind. It's as if all the discomfort was actually allowing me to see after all- to shed that layer that blinds and restrains. Are we really giving up the awe and wonder of child-like eyes for ease and comfort? It's a shame when we can't see though the fog of our own pacifying flesh continuing to whisper... you don't want to see... seeing is a challenge, better just sit in the dark. 

Slowly, however I do see.
The Lord gives me glimpses.
Just a half second glance into the eyes of Christ and we would all be hooked.
I see in a way I believe Christ sees.
That's my prayer each and every day... to see with his eyes.
I'm pretty sure Christ has childlike eyes.
He sees wonder in a glance, and awe is a normal skeptical at his creation.
He doesn't see the lack before him, rather the fullness of child likeness.

Look with childlike eyes, see Christ who will be exalted among the nations.
Look with childlike eyes, see a generation willing to say yes to difficulty for the kingdom.
Look with childlike eyes, see peace to capture universal hearts, starting with you.
Look with childlike eyes, see freedom in Christ as a blessing beyond all measures.

Take back the rationality
Take back the pride
Take back the criticism

Replace with Faith
Replace with rejoicing
Replace with thanksgiving

 

and...

 

"come in the fullness of the blessing of the gospel of Christ." (Romans15:29)

to the very throne of Grace.

 

 

Holy Smoke!

Nearly twice a week I walk between the two houses we rent when James our groundskeeper is burning trash, normally the thought going though my head while I hold my breath sounds something like this "great, this has got to be SO healthy for me and all my neighbors, breathing in toxins...excellent (sarcasm)."

This had been my attitude as I saw the smoke rising for several months. I would see it and look on in disgust. I don't need to paint a picture for you how it smelt or looked, it was not a pretty sight. It is trash after all.

Then one day I was walking the opposite way I normally do when I came upon the smoke, and although I was still holding my breath, it was for another reason altogether. I saw the most enchanting beams of light streaming down into our backyard, so bright and excellent I couldn't just ignore it. It was as if a bit of heaven desired to meet earth. The beams of light so excellent and beautifully placed by the creator as if it was some kind of beautiful show he was putting on just for me, a majestic image bearing show. They shot down from the sky so deliberately placed I almost fell over myself running to grab my camera. The light beams danced, and my heart turned over the thought of his symbolism waiting to be discovered around every corner including a large trash heap burning.  These beams of light were only visible in the right direction and the smoke only enhanced the bright intoxicating light to behold. However, you could be walking the wrong direction and miss the light all together...continuing to be disgusted by the smoke.

The smoke is necessary.
The fire that burns our trash is meant to make light visible.
We are image bearers of Christ, so we take out the trash that doesn't reflecting this.
Set a flame, watch it burn, see the smoke and embrace the light.


It's crazy how the Lord strikes a match in our hearts and sets ablaze to our worldliness though his word.
He points to the glorious light that is just waiting to be seen when he sets flames to the trash in our hearts. So much is waiting to be consumed in order to enhance the light, we must we willing to be put though the flame and breathe the smoke to see the light.

"Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as Holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work."

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:20-22

Suddenly that burning trash smell filled up my heart and I was humbled.
I need to take out the trash of what is dishonorable and seek to be a vessel for honorable use.
It's as if the winds changed and lifted up the burden of the rotting flesh when we run towards the steams of light. The smoke no longer bothers us, we run briskly into righteousness, faith, love and peace.

I don't know what your trash is, but he does.
He wants you to take it out not only because it's rotting,
but because he desires to shine light all the more brightly.


STREAMS of mercy never ceasing. Songs of loudest praise.
The steams of light beams remind me of his mercy.

When we see sin in us, and set a flame to it out of obedience to the merciful one.
We are given mercy. He is patient. He is long-suffering.

Through any and all sin he desires to set flames, build the billowing smoke so that the light beams may shoot out deliberately reaching the world. The lost world needs the signal of smoke to see the light often, when we are transparent about what our sin is and how we are killing it, we are being set apart as Holy.

There is a difference between knowing OF the Holy one, and knowing the Holy one that we desire to be made Holy as well even though we know good and well of the smoke that must rise.

Today I rejoiced in a good friend's symbol of smoke. He had given his life to Christ several months ago but found himself in a way of life much like his old life. He hadn't been convicted of this area to be made Holy yet but this weekend he did! He told us instead of going out like he did every weekend to party that instead he stayed home and prayed. He couldn't exactly explain why be he did indicate he had a peace and felt like the Lord was really doing a work, and that he enjoyed it much more than going out after all. Did you see the smoke? It may be subtle, but it was there. Billows of sin rising as we daily decide to be obedient. He has seen the first of his smoke, but there is certainly more to come as he is made into a honorable vessel.

Smoke may not be something people are attracted to naturally, but when you have seen the light and know it's source you will happily set a flame to be made in his likeness again and again, clothed in his righteousness.

This process of taking out the trash in our lives is meant to refine us, sanctify, keep us clean.
Helping us to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel and surrender to the one who cleans us.

The smoke may not look pretty, because after all it is trash.
But the steams of LIGHT, image bearing LIGHT are all the brighter when the smoke has lifted.
Set Apart as HOLY.

Broken, Refined, Found:

There is just something about sea glass that I love. Its texture, speckled cloudy color, various shapes and sizes, but mostly the search.

It's seeking them out among the rubble that I love. Like a ruby amidst rubbish, a diamond in the rough, a beautiful pearl in an oyster. Like a great treasure to be found, waiting to be admired by the right pair of eyes. I assume many walk past these pieces of beauty everyday and miss the hidden jewels.

Today as I was so blessed to be walking along the beach I set out to round up these beauties, searching for my gems. Each time I spot one my heart does a little dance, it leaps about as I watch them glimmering in the sun just waiting for me to behold them and call them precious.

As the sea rose and fell I went about my search, scanning the sand filled with debris, rocks and trash hopeful to find the pieces that make my heart dance so. Just as the father seeks us out, searches our souls and is hopeful for our obedience to his calling. We make his heart dance as he is forever constantly seeking out his treasure.

You see there is something unique about sea glass that I find so beautiful. The process starts with a bottle or other glass product that was tossed to the wayside, not even given a second thought by the littering party - discarded as useless, broken, and lacking any potential.  As the pieces of glass sit on the beach they wait, waiting for the tide to wash them, to cleanse them. They are vulnerable to the power of the wave and the nature of the tide. They must wait to be refined, they must submit to the power of the waves beyond them. The tumbling begins in its timing and starts refining the piece. Taking what was once sharp shards of glass and polishing them, making them soft and smooth as they toss about the sea and the rocks. This process occurs over and over. Large pieces become small, and what was once jagged becomes soft. It has been refined. 

We all, like sea glass need refining and begin in the same nature. In order to be refined we must first be broken. Broken to sin, to the weight of our separation from the perfection we cannot attain. He reveals our sharp edges and we fall away to the wayside over our very broken nature. We wait then for the maker, for his tide of love and peace to overwhelm our hearts. As we discover his greatness we are flooded with a certainty that this refining may actually have a purpose. We may be made new. We first wait for the tide, waiting for the Lord to take our vulnerable hearts and mend, bring together broken pieces and make them whole for renewal. Then we must go though the tumbling, the tossing of the sea over the rocks, waiting for the tide as it naturally rises we await our renewal. This does not just occur once however, but a continual breaking, waiting, refining is in process.  It's not just a once time dip in the ocean that will make us new, but a constant repeating edifying, edge softening, daily tossing with hope to me made more like Jesus. The tide never stops, it is always faithful and comes to work on our broken pieces, we must submit. We are just as vulnerable as that small piece of glass yet with the hope of a future to live to know the maker and eternally sing of his worthy name! We are but broken jagged pieces waiting to be broken, refined, found this is the process. Praise God for the process. 

Sometimes I like to think God sees us as I see sea glass. Beautiful in each their own way. No matter their amount of refining that has occurred or needs to occur. Calling them precious in his sight because they are vulnerable to the sea being obedient in the washing. Seeing the beauty in the ashes and watching the process refine his beloved. He picks us out among the rocks and trash and calls us beautiful even if our edges still require tossing. He sees the beauty in the making even when we aren't willing to be refined. He watches with joy as we toss about in the water, submitting to his will. He sings over us when we are made in his likeness and  are being softened to his will and way.  He calls us out among the rubbish and takes us though the storm with him, never alone. He feels the toss just as we do but knows of the renewal he has in mind. He sees the big picture, the mosaic he is creating. We are transformed and made new by his very hands and vulnerable to his power and thankful in the refining of our broken pieces. I pray I no longer look at what is broken in my heart in a way that shames me but rather a way that allows for softening to occur, for transformation by refining power by the maker.

When I don't understand missing pieces...why Children go without food...why Abuse continues it's cycle...why Evil is so persistent and taunting I am thankful for the tossing of a wave in remembrance that He makes all things new!

That which was broken, those who are poor of this world he also chooses to be heirs in the kingdom. Thanks be to God that he takes what the world casts out and calls rubbish and draws it to himself. He calls out the broken pieces to be made new and vulnerable to the refining process. Far exceeding our expectations Lord, as we will one day understand the refining he lavished on us in grace.

Today I am thankful for the process. For refining, for the search our Lord does to make us new. I'm thankful that we have hope and a future because of the promise our savior secured for us on the cross and in his resurrection.

He was beaten so we could be broken.

He was nailed so we can be refined.

He died so there could be a process that we may be made new in his name.

He was risen so we can be found.

The once crystal clear glass becomes cloudy in the process, in the tossing and refining - the beautiful process.  Let us embrace what has been broken in order to be made new and with thanksgiving praise him where we are in the tumbling of our sharp edges. We were made in his perfect image and when we cracked due to our sin we should have been tossed by the wayside, seen as useless and lacking no potential. Thankfully our fathers beautiful plan picks up the broken pieces and creates a new way to watch the beauty break on the shore. No matter the difficulty of life here, the tossing, the constant thrashing of trial I must love the process. I must remember he makes all things new, even if I can't see it or don't understand it. And I'll say it again, He makes all things new.

Power Struggle?

I tossed and turned. Exhausted from a full day of living and working in Haiti. Well aware that I could not sleep, for there was something in the room that persisted. My prayers were earnest, I demanded the enemy to leave in the name of my savior, Jesus Christ. The enemy persisted. This world is under the "prince of the power of the air" and there was certainly something in the air that demanded my attention. The verse below tossed about in my head.

"We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.
And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols." -1John 5:19-21

At around 2:35 AM I sat straight up and was so aware of an unwanted presence that I prayed... Prayed... and prayed. I was almost fooled into believing maybe "I wasn't praying hard enough, or with enough faith?" or maybe it was this half awake half sleep haze that I was caught in, but I certainly felt caught. 

Exhaustion overwhelmed as I layed back down. Not even 20 minutes later I sat up again, only this time I dramatically looked down at my wrist where I felt a pressure. As I looked down I saw that my bracelet (which was very dear to me, given to me by a sweet friend) that happened to be metal in the shape of a cross had literally broken in half... just like that. The enemy sure did hate to see that symbol of remembrance. Now, I wasted no time rationalizing this in pretending that what just happened didn't, I took the bracelet threw it across the room as a "that's enough" type of move. I was serious.

I knew then, I wouldn't sleep that night.

I got my computer out that really needed to be charged and listened to a podcast I had loaded earlier. The sermon that God divinely lead me to talked about how salvation was bigger than we could ever know about and how in Christ we have been "delivered from the dominion of darkness." (Col. 1:13)

I had a lot of questions that night that challenged me such as: 

• If we have been delivered from darkness how can I be attacked?
• I knew I could not be harmed, but I wrestled with God who was allowing this experience to occur. 
• How could I be both delivered and in the mist of darkness as I felt that night?

The devil is the ruler of this world. He holds power. A dark power.
Don't believe me? Look for yourself: John 12:31, John 14:30, John 16:11

I wondered how many times this reality has actually crossed my mind before. I know my God has power; incredible, jaw dropping, blind seeing, cripple walking, deaf herding, Christ rising type of power... but had I actually thought about satan as one who holds power in this world?  That power being far from equal,  but power none the less.

I was being sifted as peter was, like wheat. 

This was how I rationalized my experience. The Lord wanted me to not only be sifted but to experience    the darkness that is real and active in this community. I recalled what I had done the night all of this happened. I was upstairs at Megan's house, after I said goodnight to everyone right before I left I paused to say a prayer over their house of the Lord's protection. That night I learned that sometimes, God does not extend his protection because he gives permission.  

I was reminded that the Devil has to ask permission from our sovereign God before any experience that night or any other could ever occur. Because although the devil has power here....He Has a HIGHER power he must report to. Maybe all of this sifting was to violently separate lies from truth in this community and reveal beautiful revelation that God's glory ALWAYS stands. I'm okay with that. Let the wheat be sifted, because when it is finished there lies manna. Daily bread.

Above lies, his truth shines.

Beyond culture, he sovereignly placed you admits that culture. That's for his Glory too.

Within our brokenness, he brings beauty from the ashes.

We just have to allow him to work in all things (and I mean ALL) in order to see clearly the Lords purposes.

As I faced the enemy as I did that night I saw the darkness that encompasses this country. Not just Haiti, but the entire world. The manifestation may look different, but the one with the power in this world is the same, he uses all the same deceitful tactics all around the world and we maybe have grown so accustom to blaming such things on "culture" rather than calling the enemy out on his ploy.

That excuse of culture happens over and over here. Lies are so widely believed here as truth because of the deception the devil has placed on this land. Even believers here have a hard time deciphering truth from (Haitian) proverb, and proverb from scripture. 

Then I  ran across Psalm92:6-8  and I was refreshed.

"The senseless man does not know, fools do not understand the wicked spring up like grass and all evildoers flourish, they will be forever destroyed. But you , O Lord are exalted forever." 

We may live in a world where the power is in the hands of evil, but we know who will be exalted on the final days. I know who will forever reign as my Lord, my King!

Evil may be all around us in this world. But God is still Good, and he ALWAYS will be.

Send Your Light and Truth

We were sitting in the dark, defending the blood of Christ...explaining the beauty of Grace.

The conversation bolted from sanctification to justification and back and forth again... agreements were made, yet the truth that was poured out covered only the visible portion of the iceberg of confusion and lies covered up in a disguised version of truth.

Something bubbled up in me that I wasn't familiar with. I felt a rage, this unexplainable feeling not because of the pointed discussion that had now become a group effort to explain but because I felt the oppression. Deep, sticky, thick oppression. Beliefs that are so engrained in culture here that even if  individuals believe to have found the way and the truth the devil has TWISTED it, formed in a way that light is not penetrating. Lost dark "truth's." My heart broke because the Lord revealed to me that moment this is what so many battle, that "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12)  Living in darkness unable to see a glimmer of light. The devil stealing at every chance, and oppressing to hide the truth. "The devil knows the truth and means to lie." (Beth Moore, Mercy Triumphs)

Earlier that week I had meditated on Psalm 43 and was enamored by verse 3 

"Send out your light and truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill, and to your dwelling."

I was again reminded of a verse I constantly run back to in Haiti when all we can see around us is darkness, twisted truth, unforgiving confusion of the devil, and walls that feel too big to climb over. Then we remember our God is bigger, and he has already won the battle. Let him be glorified! 

"In the world you will have tribulation,
but take heart; I have overcome the world."

I cling to this promise! 

In the true nature of Our Lord, the Teacher I had just walked though a lesson in our James study that spelled out that our tongue can be lit by either source, one of the Holy spirit in Light and Truth or by hell in darkness and confusion. We have a choice which fire lights our tongues. (Acts 2:1-4, James 3:6) I wrestled with the idea that many of the people in this country don't know they have a choice, they are simply blinded. The devil has such a captive audience here for so many reasons and it almost feels like he has prevailed.

 Then last night as I wrestled again in thought of this I looked up a sermon on my iPhone by Pastor John piper written in 1985 titled "Let us walk in the Light of God." That really captivated my thinking about how darkness is blinding, here is the analogy he used:

"Picture a man in a dark room. He feels warm, soft fur with one hand and a cold sharp edge with the other and draws in close to the warmth and softness of the fur. But, when the light comes on, he sees that the warm, soft fur is the under belly of a horrid, man-eating monster; and the hard, cold edge is the sword of the Majestic Christ ready to save. The reason he was controlled by his desire for the man-eating monster is that he was in the dark."

Then God shows me this word: 

"Now is the judgement of this world; now will the ruler of this world be cast out. And when I am lifted up from earth, will draw all people to myself.....The light is among you for a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you. The one who walks in the darkness does not know where he is going. While you have the light believe in the light, that you may become sons of light" (John 12:31-32, 35-36)

I was reminded that although the dark may seam to overtake this Island I have faith to believe in the Light of my Savior, that he has a beautiful plan of redemption that I am not able to see yet (and he is empowering me to see how I am a part of that plan, everyday I am here) regardless the darkness that tries to prevail. After all we are sons of light created in the image of "the Father of Lights." ( James 1:17)

I am reminded of a favorite Hillsong worship song;
You said, "Ask and I'll give the nations to you"
Oh, Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see Your light, as it rises on us 

In order to not be stringing these pearls together and trowing them away to pigs, I ask you join me in prayer for this Island. That the Island would sing of HIS light, and that darkness would flee.

After our discussion I ran to the Lord in my despair, this is the following prayer I wrote in my journal. Please be in prayer with me for the chains of oppression, confusion, and darkness to fall and for the Light of the HOLY one to shine in this country.

....My prayer  

Oh Father,

Hear my cry for all those on this island who think they know your truth, yet can't comprehend your Grace that your sons blood provided for us. Let your light come and reside among us and make Truth become evident, remove the scales from their eyes and the veil from their faces. My prayer for those hearts who are lead astray by empty words and displays of religion that are so far from your Truth that you may reveal to their hearts the foolishness of the world and seek you. As you run after us as the one sheep who is lost, Father I pray for your very pursuit of their soul to captivate them with your Light and radiate Truth into their lives. Father, we believe you hold all things in your hands and as darkness is concerned let it be cast out. Let your name be lifted high and make a home in the hearts of men, women and children across the nation of Haiti. Bring boldness to those in this country battling the darkness with your Light, let us be unified and unafraid to share of your Light, Truth and Love.

Amen

Magnified Gratitude

Have you ever walked into an experience totally oblivious to how God might reveal something to you? It happens to me pretty frequently, mostly because I am too focused on my own thoughts in order to see what God is prompting. He softly says, “Look child I have a sight for you, not seen by your eyes but your heart.” (2 Cor 5:7) I wiped tears in the small cemented room God so sovereignty placed me in for less than 5 minutes yesterday.

I had heard God’s stirring in my heart to start a Respire Haiti Photo blog I began praying about who God wanted me to photograph first, he continued to place Fifi- our incredible housekeeper on my heart. I had watched how she praises the lord for all things big and small. As I talked over photographing Fifi with Megan she expanded on her sweet thankful spirit explaining that every pay-day when she receives her money she immediately raises her hands and repeats “merci jezi” (Thank you Jesus) over and over. So many instances I have found Fifi praising the Lord, doing laundry, dishes, cleaning I wouldn't even be surprised if she was worshiping our God even when she was in the bathroom. Oh how her spirit radiates pure thanksgiving to our Lord.

For nearly a week I had told Fifi I wanted to come home with her to photograph her there, she would joyfully respond “pa gen pwoblem”. I finally got my opportunity yesterday around 5:30 it had just finished raining and I saw she was carrying quite a load so I helped carry some of her items home.

As I scan though the photos I took, one stood out. She had just opened her door – freshly painted light blue and the joy on her face just radiates. As she walked into the house she did something I was familiar with her doing- lifting her hands in praise and thanking the Lord. I had walked home with Fifi once last summer to help her carry some things and I remembered how the Lord made me take a breath after I realized what she was doing. She was praising the Lord for her four walls, no matter their condition just pure praise. Sure by our standards it may look like she didn't have anything to praise over because she had no electricity, no running water (she took her daily supply from our house) a small bed that felt more like wood two by fours stacked together, yet she was thankful. My heart took a step back that moment last year and again in that moment yesterday to catch my breath for such beautiful thankfulness.

She offered me the only chair she had in her home to sit on as per cultural norm I sat and thanked her. Suddenly I realized I wasn't actually here to photograph her, God had something bigger for my heart to learn.  I snapped a few photos but wasn't actually concentrated because I was overwhelmed by how much my heart was seeing. Fifi was settling a few things on her bedside table as the tears welled up into my eyes, I had been so concentrated for the last month on all that I did not have (comforts of home, simple foods like cheese, the ability to just call a friend) that I didn't see the tremendous blessings he had before me. I was missing it altogether and in that moment in her house I realized my foolishness and was so thankful for God’s grace. I wiped my tears fast out of fear that she may see my tears and due to the language barrier didn't want her to think I was crying over her circumstance. She had abundantly more than enough maybe not by the world’s standards but certainly in Christ. She then informed me that she was going to a prayer meeting at the church and invited me. I respectably declined as I need to get home because it was getting late.

 My heart was so filled upon leaving her home that I took my sweet time walking home reflecting on the gracious heart that I had just encountered and prayed my heart would in turn become transformed by Christ in the manner God molded Fifi’s.  The sun was setting and I was thankful for the stillness of the town after a rain, for the cool breeze regardless the temperature, for the simple sweet glances from children as I passed, for the meal I was arriving home to. In that moment my heart was beginning to shed the thoughts of my flesh and taking new shape in gratitude and thanksgiving for all things that lie before me, I just needed to take the time to see with my heart as the Lord prompted into eternity.Magnified gratitude. Magnified thanksgiving. Magnified Christ in all circumstances. He holds all things together; I remember and breathe in a new understanding of peace.

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Atrux is finally in Haiti !

I cannot express how much peace and contentment I felt going up the mountain the first night back at home. I was in Haiti. Finally, after praying...seeking...waiting...waiting...waiting and mostly trusting; I was home.

Three hundred and sixty four days after I wept getting on a plane to leave this country I was now weeping that God’s provision and plan was so good, perfect and excellent beyond what I could have imagined for myself.

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” -Lamentations 3:25

He was so good to my soul because right as I took my first steps on the mountain my heart was even more filled when *john* began running at me from ridiculously far away. He never slowed down, only continued running faster and faster yelling my name over and over. I ran toward him and hugged him telling him I never wanted to let go and I missed him! His precious smile welcomed me back home on that mountain and I couldn't have dreamed it any better.

Our God is a God of homecomings. He is running at us full speed ahead yelling your name awaiting a greeting of love. He dances at the sight of obedience and delights in our joy for following his commands.

However something I wasn’t prepared for when I arrived back in Haiti was things I had forgotten. I was constantly focused on the things I remembered most about Haiti because I was looking forward to those things, yet so much I had forgotten.

Our God never forgets, even when we do.

I had so easily forgotten what happened a year ago, people I met, names that somehow have slipped though my less than perfect memory and a language I could once understand. I reminded myself to have grace over my initial days in Haiti and continue to pray for memory and resolve. Thankfully the Lord filled my heart with contentment to finally be here and that’s what matters most because my memory may fail but my God never will. However, please continue to pray for my memory!

On Saturday Rita, Sharon and I went to the market and upon our return I ran into two beautiful women I had taught in English class last summer. They lit up when they saw me, YELLING my name. Initially I was upset I could not place their names in my mind yet then I remembered the Lord allowed me to remember their sweet faces and that was enough for me. There is grace.

Yesterday I was reading Ann Voskamp’s blog and this quote stood out to me:

“Peace is a Person. No one can steal Peace from you. And nothing can steal you from Him”

That truth became real when I realized that it wasn’t just finally being in Haiti that has given me peace, it wasn’t seeing familiar faces and being embraced by children I truly loved in every way I knew how. It was Christ. Peace is certainly a person and that person was a Son to be killed for my sin. That person suffered in flesh yet rose to new life. That person fills my every breath and peace is within it. I’m okay forgetting a few things; I’ m also okay adjusting to a drastically new world in peace only because I know the peacemaker himself.  He is the prince of peace.

How good is our God that we may know peace because we know him.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16.33

-ATrux (FINALLY) in Haiti

I am NOT Naive; A Surrender

For a few weeks a thought has popped into my head almost everyday that I can't quite shake.
"Am I naive?" "Do I really think I can do this whole moving to Haiti thing?"
I have been walking into this thought somewhat blindly, as if I can brush off this overwhelming feeling of something bigger in my heart bubbling up. I know what the devil wants me to do with this thought and if it's as he has planned he will have a field day. I've got to tell you too, that he has tried very hard to use these lies against me in order for fear to overtake my heart. HE WON'T PREVAIL.

The lies continued to flow all from that one thought;

"You can't do this"
"You aren't prepared"
"See, you aren't working hard enough to prepare... you can't be that dumb."
"Are you really blindly going into this?"

^How ugly is that?
Twisting my saviors sweet time of rest before I do the work set before me come august.

I'm not going to lie, battling all these lies hasn't been a walk in the park.
I've spent more time defeated in these lies than I would like to tell you about...many days and nights fighting sin and hurts specifically brought up with the purpose of drowning me in the reality of my own flesh. I AM HUMAN, my God loves me still. (Can I get an Amen?) I fell, turned around and I surrendered and he swallowed me up with his tremendous flood of grace and love. I don't deserve one ounce of this love, but he so tenderly loves us. Even in our sin, even in our hurt, in the middle of a storm he wants our surrender so he can fill us and remind us that he has control. Why would I ever worry or be defeated so easily for my saviors embrace reminded me that I am not alone, he will be working all things together for my good.

I may be naive to think that I can do it alone, sure. But I am not. He is with me always even until the end of the age (Matt 28:20). It's a promise, and God doesn't break his promises. NEVER, EVER.

I may also be naive to think I don't need to prepare, sure. But he is preparing me in the best way possible. My heart. The first place I need to prepare is my own heart, not lesson plans, nor any packing of a suitcase can fill me the way my savior is preparing a place in my heart for his work to be done. You can't buy that kind of peace, you cant muster up enough effort or know-how or even skill to face giants in life, we simply hold onto the hope of our Lord and trust with all we have.

To others it may sound naive that I am not taking "necessary precautions" but I know my God has it all in his hands, and no amount of worry will change that. No amount of preparations or precautions can make any instance better if all he desires for me is to trust him.

My heart must be willing to be taught, and I know that this is only the beginning. He is going to teach me so much in the coming months that I cannot begin to feel overwhelmed; therefore the beautiful lesson here as it always is "My daughter Trust me, I hold all things together and I will never let go of you, ever!" Rest in that truth.

I have been reading a book sweetly given to me by a stranger (I can call her a sister ) called kisses from Katie written by a sweet young girl who moved to Uganda following God's will. This excerpt really hit it home for me.

" 'Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle.' People repeat this frequently, I head it when I was growing up and I hear it now. It is meant to be a source of encouragement, and it would be if it were true.

But I don't.

I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and he takes over, proving himself by doing the impossible in our lives." -Katie Davis

I am blown away by how true this statement is for my life. I can't believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle because he desires to prove himself to us in his passionate pursuit of his children. Because he loves us and wants to display his sovereign rule. He was sovereign over the devil attacking me, and has grace for my flesh or any failing I may do in the process in pursuit of  his will. He will always be sovereign, he will always want to rescue us from ourselves and the devil; that's his nature that's his love in motion....he simply can't contain himself.

 Even when circumstances feel unstable, our God is the one holding that unstable platform under our feet building with faith, love, and trust that He always has and always will be holding us up. Put your hand on your chest, do you feel the oxygen entering your lungs, he holds even this breath right now in his hands. He is even more visible in the crumbling of our plans, expectations, and strength the first step to visibly seeing his work in our lives is surrender. Without our surrender, we simply are standing (or falling, rather) on our own.. We can either have victory in our own hands as a champion and be filled with pride (news flash: that victory wasn't on your own accord) or become defeated in life by circumstances, sin, or the brokenness of the world and we are buried in our own workmanship and beat ourselves up for our foolishness and human character. Either way pride is in the way, we have to surrender our pride with brokenness before the father and plead for his help. We already have someone pleading for us on our behalf, he is our advocate.(1John 2:1) Jesus Christ entire existence life, death and Resurrection is your plead. His grace fights our case and we can see clearly though his scars the impossible can be done only through God because with God all things are possible. (Mark 10:27).

I won't be foolish in believing lies that I am not enough, because the world wants me to believe the impossible isn't possible...but God is with me so that is proof enough for me to trust him. Christ will always be enough!

Where are you still fighting giants on your own accord and succeeding or failing yet still blind to the mighty one who saves? I challenge you to search your heart and surrender what lies inside your flesh lacking complete surrender to the Lord. He is ready to receive this surrender with his son's beautiful grace awaiting your cry. I pray for you as Paul did for the church in Ephesus;

"That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,  may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." Eph 3:16-19

Thanks for reading; feel free to let me know how I can be praying for you!

-ATrux(almost) in haiti

 

 

The Summer of Stillness

I'm a College Graduate!!!
Yea That happened.

I really can't believe I'm done. I honestly don't think it's gonna hit me until I've been in Haiti for a few months and realize one day: HEY...wait a minute I'm a graduate?!

No one prepares you for the Post-Grad life and what I've learned in this short time is that If I am to learn anything, it's going to be about my contentment. A few months ago I felt a huge burden that this summer would hold something special, a training ground perhaps for the contentment I need to live a year in Haiti as a single women. As a result I felt lead not to apply for any summer job, look for major things to fill my time, or even be involved in leadership at my church..gasp! Instead I felt he had stillness for me and for this summer, although I didn't know how challenging that would be yet.

I'm totally a list kind of Girl. I am productive and want things to be done. This past week and a half has wrecked me. Just about the only thing I have finished is a 90's television show that will remain nameless for fear of mocking. I can't complete anything to save my life and I think it's for a greater reason than I can understand at the moment.

I have struggled this week to understand why I am still in Fort Myers because CLEARLY, Lord... I'm ready to go to Haiti NOW(pride). Funny story, I'm totally not...and if this week has been any clue I have a far way to go in order to understand how to be still.

His will for this summer may not be working with kids at a wonderful christian summer camp (KAA 2010) or living with the an incredible family while looking after their children (Hart residence 2011) or even being an intern in Haiti doing the Lord's work (Respire 2012.) Nope, It's to be still. Right here. Right now. Still before the lord. This may not sound like the most challenging thing for you, but let me tell you...I will be (and already have been) challenged in many ways.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14 

So here is to my still summer 2013; the summer of rest. God help me actually rest!

Don't let me get you wrong, I have had a lot of well needed rest. Such as sitting on the beach or in a hammock just talking or reading and that has been lovely!! Yet, the entirety of my days are less filled lately (let me remind you; my personality wants to constantly find a project, job, activity or something - ANYTHING to fill my time, but God said still, and still I will remain) I feel that in this stillness is where I need the Lord to lead me more clearly. When I have every option in the world, he points me to his presence over and over and therefore fills me with a contented spirit living inside me. How good is our God, or what?!

What a beautiful gift.
What a precious savior leading me to the fathers arms.
What a summer I have ahead!

Here are a few ways you could be praying for me:

• That I would take advantage of this time and instead of waste time, invest it into the word and precious time with the Lord.
• For my heart to continue to meditate on contentment coming from no other place but a peace of the Lord, giving me a constant desire to know his will and follow it.
• To live in an active faith and confidence in the Lord that this summer is a foreshadowing of where my heart needs to be in order to be fully devoted to my mission come August.
• Other practical things I have have to prepare for before I leave for Haiti such as lesson planning, curriculum, and attempting to learn Creole (Can I get an Amen?!)

Also super random, but figured I'd share what I was meditating on today;

"Whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall." (1cor. 10:12)

This was a sweet reminder that it is not I who stands alone, but God holds me up and lest I forget where the strength comes from. Praying for that careful spirit in this season, where I could easily believe in my own flesh that I am standing... rather I know I cannot stand without his strength...even in a season of rest!

I also had an opportunity to look at the Miracle in Matthew 14 when Jesus fed the 5,000. What stood out wasn't the miracle of feeding the masses ( because let's face it most of us know the facts and figures in this story) rather, it was the number of leftovers that took me back.

"They picked up 12 baskets full of leftover pieces." Matt 14:20

Let's think about that number for a minute. 12 baskets, 12 disciples. Not only was this a miracle on a massive scale, but Jesus intended to have just enough leftovers for the disciples to each have their fill as well. My heart was so full as the Lord reminded me that he provides perfectly for our needs. Jesus wanted his disciples to not only see that he cares for the masses like those he fed, but each of us personally. Praise God for his personal attention into each of our lives. I pray you are able to see how God not only loves us all, but he loves us in specific intentional ways, particular ways personal just to you. That's the God I serve, a personal, beloved, mighty one who fills all of our needs!

-ATrux (almost) in Haiti

Tears of Faith

This week has been one of the most emotional weeks of my life, yet in the most beautiful and incredible ways possible.

There are many things to look forward to at this point in my life.

·         Graduation is in 15 days!

·         Haiti is in a little over 3 months from now!!

 

The lord has totally filled me with a reflective spirit this week. Not one day has my eyes not been wet with the sweet tears of joy and thankfulness. Let’s just begin with only 5 short days ago.

• Monday I was lead to fast and pray for Haiti as I had been very busy and he called me to focus on him, and just as I felt most confident in his spirit and rested in his will and plan HE PROVIDES in a huge way. I got in my car and found out about two very incredible donations and my spirit was just dancing! Here I was sitting in traffic on US 41 Bawling over the Lord’s favor, faithfulness, and will! He knows every need and fills them, he is faithful to provide!
 
• Tuesday I was somewhat ready for the waterworks as I prepared myself to go to the last Ignite I will ever attend as an undergraduate. Not only did I have to say goodbye to many brothers and sisters but I got to worship the savior for his work. What a way to exit, praising the Lord for not only his faithfulness this semester but also the last four years. His fruit was evident and abounding that night as 4 of my dear friends got baptized and I got to see how the Lord’s favor over all obedience is beyond what we could imagine. HE IS FAITHFUL. HE IS GOOD. He stood there with me the first day I entered that church and he lead me out on the last petitioning that it’s only by his grace that I could become the person he has made me to be today.
 
• Wednesday I had the most intense exam of my college career that was three solid hours long that consisted of eight sheets of blank paper. Go. I came home exhausted and I open a letter with a check in the mail from family friends and wept again for the faithfulness of the Lord! In my most weak moments he fills me. Refreshes me, and reminds me of his fullness.
 
• Thursday I sat around a circular table hearing of burden after burden from some of the most beloved women I know and continually lifting them up to the Lord. Our only response that day was prayer. It was only appropriate for the prayers of my Bible study leader to flood over me as I responded to the Lord’s faithfulness and accepted her gift of support as well. As I drove away I again wept, overwhelmed by the reflection of this week and how the fruit of obedience is sweeter than any could ever describe. He is good to his children, especially in obedience! This reminds me of Isaiah 1:19 “If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land”

• Friday (Today) I had to say goodbye to a dear friend of mine who I have been able to be blessed by walking along side, lifting her burdens to the Lord and mentoring her through her freshman year here at FGCU. I couldn’t contain my tears as we had to continually say “see you later” to avoid the dreaded “goodbye.” When we had to leave each other I read the sweet words she wrote in a simple card about how Christ in my life influenced hers and it made my spirit become filled with joy. FLOODS OF TEARS! A mixture of emotion from support, prayer, and thanksgiving for the growth the Lord has done in her life as well through only the Grace of God and willing obedience to pour into her. I did nothing, nothing, nothing all I did was obey and the Lord did the rest. He worked. He was faithful. He was the leader I was his child following his command even there!

I AM A MESS, but aren’t we all really? If we claim we aren’t messes in this world we have something wrong.

I couldn’t possibly have been that faithful. ONLY He is.

I also could have never influenced anyone’s life for the Lord without his leadership. Only He leads.

I certainly cannot raise even a dime of support without the convictions the Lord places and stirs in hearts to obediently give to the mission of the Lord. Only He stirs.

All I had to do was obey.

That’s it.

A simple, YES LORD! Your will not my own.

Yes Lord!

 

Yet sometimes that response is not the easiest, he has the most blessing for it!

Praise God for reflecting on my life the past four years and not seeing what I have done, but rather seen the Lord’s work. How I was hidden in his plan, how he molded me to his will and plan and desired for me to know of his fruit in the end. Reflecting this week has brought me to tears not because I am sad about any of it, but because it truly is only by his grace that I could be a part of any of his plan.

He lead me, he convicted me, he guided me, he reassured me, he held me, he calmed me, he filled me with peace, he celebrated when I celebrated and mourned when I mourned.

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free” Luke 4:18

What better word to sit in this week than this? What better victory than that of Jesus Christ. For his death to bring me life and his resurrection to give me hope.

I encourage you to reflect on ways the Lord has shown you his glory and fruits of your labor for the Lord, and if there is none at this point- seek him and ask in what ways he desires for you to be obedient. He fills us in ways we can’t even comprehend when we are obedient! In no ways am I implying I have always been obedient, I have also fallen in many ways. HIS GRACE COVERS EVEN THAT. Whatever that is for you, ask for his forgiveness and move forward in obeying his command. He desires to share with you the fruit of his work and display his Glory!

 

Thanks for reading!

-Amanda

One year

One year ago today 4/2/2012

365 days.

Has it really been a year?

This day last year I felt a HUGE urgency to fast and pray for God’s will.

He made himself clear. So clear, he wanted my heart to become broken for Haiti. He began that day one year ago and his faithfulness amazes me. He is amazing! He keeps pushing my heart in the direction of his will for my life! Praise God!

The following is from my journal on this day last year:

“Lord, I need scripture about your provision, plan, and will. Also, scripture about your desire for me to serve the least of these, as well as scripture about your truth and sharing that truth and how you will protect me doing that if you so will. I trust you!”

Then he revealed to me these scriptures that I hold close to my heart;

Isaiah 6:8                         Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Psalm 121:1-4                 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

                                     where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

 

Isaiah 50:4-5                    The Sovereign LORD has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know what to say to all these weary ones. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign LORD has spoken to me, and I have listened. I do not rebel or turn away.

Isaiah 54:10                      He said to me, "You are my servant, Israel, and you will bring me glory."  I replied, "But my work all seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose at all. Yet I leave it all in the LORD's hand; I will trust God for my reward."

The praise of prayer followed by tears of joy one year ago;

            “Oh Lord, you heard my prayer and showed me with your word a great reassurance, security, you’re will, faithfulness, guidance, and your hand that was in all that is my heart for Haiti. I pray that I continue to take these concerns to you and seek for truth in your word so that I can hear you clearly and be guided by your will not my own. Thank you Lord for your great plan for my life and showing me that you alone are good and you alone are God. Praise be to your name!”

            I write this to show how good and faithful our God is. A year ago he stirred in my heart what was to be my future, and I trusted him, even though it was not easy. Before I encountered God that day I remember writing down all my fears on a piece of paper, in black marker. Bold and ugly. Fear is UGLY. Then as he faithfully showed me his truth through the word and I began ripping that paper (all my fears) up! Fear no longer had any power, because I recognized his immense love! 2 Timothy 1:7 states “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” I saw it clearly, his love that washed away all my fears and that lead me in self-control to see his will above my own.

            I’m humbled today to be sitting in that same great, vast, extraordinary love of the Lord that is stirring my heart to return again to Haiti now with a deeper understanding of his will. I need your help though, I must raise 3,500 in a very short time, but I trust that God’s timing is perfect. Would you prayerfully consider supporting sending me back to Haiti to therefore see the Lords will be done? I appreciate all your prayers as I am being constantly prepared by the Lord, and trusting that He will provide for my needs in the way he wills. If you feel the holy spirit leading you to trust God’s movement about what I will be doing in Haiti come august read more about it here:HERE!! :) I am overjoyed to be sitting in this day a year later reflecting on God’s goodness. I pray you are lead to do the same though reading this post. Glory be to God!