I wish I could dress up this blog post for you, make it both beautiful and inspiring but the truth is more than anything lately I have been humbled. I am in the middle of John Piper's book -Desiring God and a quote that called me to prayer this week was this "Prayer humbles us as needy and exalts God as wealthy." This is exactly why I am sharing these tough stories with you today, we are all in need of humility to boast even more loudly about our Gods wealth! Being broken is humbling, needing two twelve year old boys to climb down a mountain and a good cry session to walk back up it is equally humbling. A friend recently told me that brokenness creates cracks in our lives that are actually areas where we can let the Light of Jesus shine out of if we let him. Here is my attempt to let him shine though my rather gaping crack.
Before I begin I need to share a few stories in light of context... Bear with me.
When I was a sophomore in college I went though a very traumatic event which lead me to many anxieties thereafter. During this time I was accustom to many panic attacks. One night, nearly 4 months after the incident I went with friends to go play capture the flag. I was excited and running around with everyone when suddenly I was in full blown panic mode. What was most confusing and enraging about this specific attack is there wasn't even a feeling of fear that had taken over my thoughts- rather I had just gotten into the rhythm of breathing that my brain associated with a panic attack-- so I had one. I was beyond confused myself as my friends ran around trying to find me water and as another friend calmed me down. It was humbling to realize that even just the rhythm of breath could send me into full on attack mode so I since avoided running and many strenuous activities. Thankfully the Lord was gracious to me and this was simply a season in my life where the Lord defined what dependence on him looked like. He was teaching me that panic was no way to control any situation and rather clinging to him and his promises was the only way to cope.
"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13
Less than 2 months after this event I was laying in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. I had been sick for a week at this point but even I was shocked when I realized how sick I really was. During my time at the hospital there was never a diagnosis, just a lot of tests and pain meds. On one particular night I was in so much pain that I cried out to the Lord. I told him that if he wanted me he could have me, that I would rather be with him anyway. Being with him would far outweigh this life and I would happily meet him that day if he desired.Suddenly his still small voice spoke to me as clear as I have ever heard the Lord before. He said " I have plans for you, Amanda." That was enough for me, if he had a purpose to keep me here I would endure today and this season for I know the Lord is faithful. He was, he always will be.
Three weeks later I was mostly recovered and was finally back at school learning what my limits where- learning how to say no, what I could and couldn't do on account of my health. To be honest I am still figuring that out. In the grand view of things its not about what I could or couldn't do but rather what the Lord was teaching me; to depend on him and I would not have to worry. Jesus teaches us this over and over again in our lives yet he is still willing to teach it again. We can depend on him- he knows our limits- he knows our hearts- we can depend on him always. And I know this because "My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:19
Before I begin I need to share a few stories in light of context... Bear with me.
Less than 2 months after this event I was laying in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. I had been sick for a week at this point but even I was shocked when I realized how sick I really was. During my time at the hospital there was never a diagnosis, just a lot of tests and pain meds. On one particular night I was in so much pain that I cried out to the Lord. I told him that if he wanted me he could have me, that I would rather be with him anyway. Being with him would far outweigh this life and I would happily meet him that day if he desired.Suddenly his still small voice spoke to me as clear as I have ever heard the Lord before. He said " I have plans for you, Amanda." That was enough for me, if he had a purpose to keep me here I would endure today and this season for I know the Lord is faithful. He was, he always will be.
Fast forward to 2014, last week the group I live with went on an adventure to one of the most beautiful beaches in Haiti. I was a little anxious the night before because I heard how there was a 45 minute hike down to the beach and a hour or so hike back up to our car I was a little unsure I would make the trek but I could not miss this opportunity. Before we made our assent I prayed that the Lord would provide help and give me safety in his arms, no matter what happens. As we were beginning to make our assent we saw the most magnificent view and I took out my camera to capture it. There were two boys watching our group as we passed and were paying particular attention to my camera. Often children here haven't ever seen a photo of themselves so I asked if they would like me to take their photo. They both said yes in a very excited manner. I quickly snapped their photo, showed it to them and was on my way. Very soon after the road became a foot path and was increasingly steep so much so that I was calculating each step.
Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure Proverbs 4:26
It seamed my friends were already well on their way so I was trying to catch up to them when I suddenly fell. I twisted my knee and scraped it on the rocks. I let out a startled scream and my team yelled to see if I was okay. I wasn't actually sure but said Yes and to go on without me. Little had I known the boys I took a photo of where right behind me. They helped me up and brushed me off. They pointed to my bleeding knee and said "blese" which is the verb to cut in Creole. I thought about how cool that actually sounds that something as not fun as a cut can sound like a blessing, and it was. That cut was a blessed opportunity to be increasingly humbled.
I was shaken up a bit and since the path was still very steep for me the two boys helped me down. They held my hand and made sure I had sure footing. At one point I realized I was still shaking but I was so thankful to have these sweet boys be my guides. Just as we were about to reach the beach I remembered a book I had read aloud in the car on the way to Colorado with two of my best friends. The book is called hinds feet on high places. I was reminded of this book because in it the main character- much afraid (whom now in retrospect was certainly acting like) was lead on the steep and torturous path to the sheppard which was God character. She had two guides and their names were Sorrow and Suffering. I chuckled as I remembered this and thank the Lord for my version of sorrow and suffering to cling to on this ascent down the mountain. God was faithful in getting me to his most beautiful creation and I was certainly thankful, certainly humbled, yes mostly humbled.
We had a good day at the beach, I played with local beach children, searched for quite a loot of sea glass, and got to lay in the sun admiring all the Lord created. It was rather glorious and nearly surreal and then I remembered sorrow and suffering and the hike up the mountain I soon faced. I began getting anxious because I wouldn't have my guides this time- I was probably still going to be far behind the group and I doubted I could actually make it up the mountain. We started the climb and at first I was doing fine- I had to fight to keep up with everyone but I was building my pride no matter how much it hurt. Then I reached a point where I simply could not keep up the pace with everyone anymore. Still despite my better judgment and knowledge of my limits, I was pushing harder than ever before just to keep up. What pride. UGH. Pride is so ugly, and even uglier when you were literally just humbled on the path down. How quickly pride forgets humility, or maybe that's what fuels it? Every time we are humbled we are given a choice to accept the humility or let it fuel our pride to never be humbled again. Then it all went downhill. I couldn't keep up, and I was mad- there were so many things I wanted. I wanted to be able to enjoy this hike like everyone else and not struggle. I wanted to breathe normally and not think I was going to throw up every two seconds. I wanted so badly my health to not hinder me anymore but mostly I wanted to be in control. I was breathing rather rapidly then suddenly I was in panic state then like a stinkin baby I burst into tears.
THE LORD BROKE ME.
I am not in control and I never will be. If its on my own accord I can do nothing. I must rely on him for my health and everything else. It was silly, but I knew the Lord wanted me to see more. He wanted me to see sorrow and suffering firsthand. He wanted me to again learn the lesson to depend on him and he has all things working together for my good and his glory. I am thankful for the Lords favor in that moment. Dan had stayed back with me as we climbed and witnessed me burst into tears. As the father he is, he was tender and loving. He didn't rush me or make fun of my emotions, although he did crack a joke about needing to keep all the water I had inside my body and I actually did chuckle at that one. The Lord spoke though Dan as he comforted and coached me up that mountain. Reminding me that it wasn't a sprint, it was a marathon. So is life.
Dependence is not simply a lesson we learn once and move on, I feel it's a lesson we learn and re-learn though seasons of life. Because it takes a lot to break though our pride and desire for control, still God is faithful even if he presents sorrow and suffering as companions. Through anxiety and panic attacks I learned to be dependent on the lord. Though illness and a life that is lead with the prospect of being right back in the same hospital room builds dependence on the Lords favor- especially living in a third world country. It's important to remember for my own sanity that nothing that has happened to me in my life is outside the scope of God. He knows what I experienced that brought on such trauma, he knows how my head spun as I sat in a hospital waiting for answers that never came. He also knows my heart when I climb a mountain and cares deeply that I learn to depend on him. Never once was any of that outside of his control because he is sovereign. If nothing else he is showing me that dependence is an action. He is showing me that despite what the world says to become independent my only real saving grace is dependence on the one who lavishes unmerited grace. How blessed are we. Even when sorrow and suffering are our guide that we have a peace that surpasses all understanding because we have the peacekeeper as a guide.
"My spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name." Luke 1:47-49
