Saturday, February 7, 2015

When it rains...



"Miss Amanda it rained yesterday" Nicholas aimlessly talks as we go on out on our daily afternoon walk. "Your right Nicholas it did rain yesterday" I say with only half my brain after the chaos that was nap time. Excited nick exclaims "The sun warmed up all the wet things... It shineded on all that was rainded on!"

"Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; make melody to our God on the lyre! He covers the heavens with clouds; he prepares rain for the earth;  he makes grass grow on the hills." Psalm 147:8
At that point I stop to let the boys investigate a leaf because all leaves are full of wonder, but apparently this was T  H  E  perfect leaf. I couldn't argue- all nature sends me on hunt for more of the beauty of the creator. He made the perfect leaf... & that one an that one... The one with the stripes and the one with the spots, he made them all!

It was then I thought about all that rain talk- we all have days where it feels like rain in our lives. We feel like the storms will push us over and it just won't dry.When we are drenched by circumstances and shivering in the cold. When the rain comes and it wets the ground in our souls we think just because it was wet somehow that means there isn't a way for the rain drenched streets of our hearts and minds to become dry again. We think in our        h o p e l e s s n e s s of the negative self talk, the kind the devil loves- because he doesn't have to do any work... we simply condemn ourselves and he just smirks his devilish smirk. The rain falls faster and with more velocity because if circumstances can bring us down, then he won't need to push us anyways. __Yet we are "more than conquerors" so we need not fall into this thought or disgrace for the power of the spirit can lift us from this negative thought___

Even as I type this in attempt to never forget simple thoughts of a child; Nicholas starts talking about how Jesus gives us hearts to chose his way or we sometimes choose poorly but he loves us still. That's the gospel straight from the mouth of babes: freedom to chose his way and his truth but also love in the bad choices still. Grace that covers it all! Of course in his 5-year old mind he compares bad choices to "bad guys" but the concept was there- and what a concept to grasp!!

The SON (of God) surely warms the cold and wet parts in our hearts- hurts caused by people, by heartache, by simply the brokenness of the world. The son, the one and only son. He warms us with his light. His warmth reminds us of his favor as his faithfulness. The rainbow in our hearts keep account of his shining. That beautiful rainbow reminds us of his promise. Our rainbows can take many different shapes,forms, and of course many different colors.  Maybe the rainbows of our soul come from a place of forgiving where it isn't easy or fair. Other times rainbows are colored by accepting or giving grace to others. Furthermore our rainbows carry us back to place of remembering. Even if it rains so hard that we think we may never get dry again; the son shines in perfectly into our deepest, wettest and most torrential downpours. He clears it up- he always does. Rest in him as the rain falls in our lives and trust in him when he provides his comfort in warmth. Because "the SON gives us warmth- he dries up all the wet parts"

This week I had many moments when I thought "It's raining, but I chose to believe the SON gives me warmth." I shall not despair or sit under condemnation but rather gather up the soggy socks and walk forward in confidence that the dry weather will come. It isn't the dry weather we wait for though, we sit in the rain drenched with a heart of joy. We can choose to dance in the rain and embrace the muckieness that is life some days.

Dance and let the SON warm you even when... you get a huge bill from the hospital for more than you have in your saving. Because when the Son warms you he provides with not only provision for the whole bill and debt eliminated but also a 20% discount to the paying party. Freely dance when you have your record wiped clean because when I look at a debt being paid I see the Gospel. I see our sin and utter helplessness in death and remember a savior sent to save us from the pit of death.


 "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:2

Dance and let the SON warm you even when... you are stuck in traffic on the interstate. Because maybe that traffic somehow had God's sovereign hand wrapped up in it.. because he knew your car would stall. He knew going 70mph and a car stopping would be death but he chose life so therefore he chose traffic. Slowing my vehicle down enough to realize, ughhh whaaaa....what is happening?! Choosing joy even after the tears flow because you realize that without his hand in steering you off the highway you would be dead. We would all be dead though, without his rainbows; without his remembrance of what his son did... he warms us even in the chaos of tow trucks, mechanics and even lack of faith in the moment of distress. H e   r e s t o r e s , he renews... and you drive away the next day praising all the more loudly. 


"The lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down." Psalm 145:14


Dance and let the SON warm you even when....you are tempted beyond your self control. Sit in the reality that dancing with a sin is like dancing with fire- we will get burned. When the son warms you and reminds you of his grace, then CHRIST grabs hold of your hand and dances you into remembrance of his light being shed on all things and why convictions of the spirit are a thing to be pressed in on to hear clearly rather than put on mute so your sin can run rampant. RUN, run fast the other way so you can dance freely in the arms of one who knows even the deepest darkest things and yet love you still deeper, stronger, wider.

Dance and let the SON warm you even when... you face broken relationships, failures, tragedy, triumph, sadness, sorrow, depression, anguish, faithlessness, hopelessness, broken hearts, bitterness, fears, trauma, health issues, Cancer, poor results, bad feedback, innumerable obstacles, disadvantage, financial struggles and the list goes on. At the end of the day we can chose to remember the rainbows despite the rain, and better yet dance in the storm. We can walk in confidence because we know God has us in his sovereign hands and choose to trust him even when our hands shake when we praise or pray. 


"As servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: By great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger, by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy spirit, genuine love by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; for honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet known; as dying, and behold we live; as punished and yet not killed; as sorrowful yet always rejoicing; as poor yet making many rich; as having nothing, YET POSSESSING EVERYTHING."                                  
2 C o r i n t h i a n s 6:4-10

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Celebration of Stillness & Broken Pieces Renewed

Before I left for Haiti I had a season of stillness.
That included very little to do and lots of processing on my couch.

Wondering what is to come and how to prepare?
Knowing we never truly can be ready but rather need to stand tall in the spirit.

I remember feeling shame for sitting on my couch day after day feeling so unproductive.
Feeling useless and just ready to move onto what God had for me, where God had me; Haiti.

Then I was sent into the mission.
*Like a whirlwind*
He stretched me in ways I wasn't sure I was capable of stretching.
He grew me in areas I wasn't anticipating growth.
I danced in the storms and cried over this world being utterly broken.
There was trial in places I hadn't ever been tested.
I fought for what I believed in and the convictions he gave me.
There were broken pieces floating around my heart just surviving day to day.
Then suddenly a year has past and I just stand amazed

Those broken pieces...
They are still there, the broken shards of my heart attacking even simple daily functioning. That's what you aren't ready for when you go on mission; the recoil and the picking up of all that was thrown about in your life, but I'm going to tell you a secret; it's worth all the pain. Floating around waiting to be redeemed and repaired by the ONE being that can do such work. A savior who desires to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together for our good and his Glory. He is a compassionate savior who knows the deepest darkest parts of us and isn't scared away because he made us that way. He is faithful in the recovery and repairing because he knows what broke us to begin with and he know the one thing that can heal us: HIMSELF.

"Even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed" 1 peter 3:14

I'm back on the couch. This time it's not even mine.
This time in freedom. To rest and remember.

To sit in stillness before a God who chose to surrender his own son for my sake.
To be humbled by circumstances enough to trust he has a greater plan.

Although I have battled condemnation from the enemy for being in the season I'm in...
I know I have a father willing to pick up the pieces and lovingly repair what is broken.

Let no one tell you what season you should be in... let not culture, nor age, nor any other factor determine where you are to be... because if we can trust in stillness he will repair, then it's enough. It's enough to be right where we are in him, in freedom. It's enough for our souls to be simply satisfied in him alone.
You are enough. 

There is a funny thing about value that the devil want's us to hide under fear; fear we aren't worth it. He wants us to believe our failures and flesh make for uselessness. If it's one thing I've learned from believing that lie for far too long it's that for every lie we embed...deeper goes the truth. Over and over this year I felt as if I had little value. Nothing to give, it was never enough. I lived in this defeated state of mind but as I look back on my story I can see it. Etched into every memory and every doubt the gem of hope. The truth that tells: YOU ARE VALUE. Why? Because he came for me. He bled and died because he valued our lives over his. He rose and was seated at the right hand of God because there was enough good in him that he chose to value you all the more. Even in our sin. He valued us then. You, dear child are VALUED. Never forget it.


It's funny how we find healing;

Sometimes it's a conversation with a stranger in your foreign tongue and it feels like your old friends reminding you about all the failed conversations a year ago and how he enabled you to learn far more than you would have ever believed.

Sometimes it's admitting you are broken to your boyfriend, and instead of judgement he looks at you with the most compassion in his eyes and says: "but we are all broken." Yes, yes we are.

Sometimes it's a song that comes on at all the right times, and the dancing that comes with it.

Sometimes it's a silent prayer and the tears that flow from it in your car... the one Jesus gave to you out of faithfulness and his favor.

Many times it's talking with sisters in Christ and realizing this life is far too hard to do it alone and you thank Jesus for each other... laughing, crying, and all the dramatic and beautiful moments you share.

A lot of times it's scripture washing over wounds like the ocean; cleaning out the gunk and feeling the sting of the salt but becoming purified in the process...renewed by the washing.

So when he calls you to wait, wait in him. Wait in stillness for the truth and promise he brings with him...because without it we are caught up in our own tangle of lies we chose to believe. We could even slowly slip into believing this season is useless, and we would be mistaken. Because the recovery of the crop is necessary for the new harvest to take form. The resting of the soil enables good fruit to grow. The sitting on a couch enables healing in freedom to flow. So when we are in weird seasons remember that he brings us THROUGH the desert land to the PROMISE land. There is a promise, and the promise is healing, redemption, and new life! 

If nothing else, that's what I am praising God for today. HEALING, REDEMPTION, NEW LIFE.
Won't you join me in the celebration? In the stillness we will celebrate his work!


Thursday, September 11, 2014

24- Hope

Tonight, on the eve of my 24th Birthday the Lord lead me to reflect on this past year.

I remember sitting in my bunk bed in Haiti this exact evening late into the wee hours of the morning doing just this last year. Crying out to the Lord and thanking him for his faithfulness in my life. Thanking him that he had brought me to a place where all things were stripped away from the very clutter filled lives we live in America. Zoomed in on his work, his hands, and his feet becoming those in action. Capturing moments of his grace in every pain, and his joy even from our sorrows. Focusing deeply upon the Hope at which rests at his feet.

Hope in Christ ALONE. nothing else.

Not in Jobs {Just in Christ}
Not in Money {Just in Christ}
Not in Beauty {Just in Christ}
Not in Fame {Just in Christ}
Not in Pride {Just in Christ}
Not in People {Just in Christ}
Not in (dare i say it) Art {Just in Christ}

As I reflect on those revelations I had at this exact time last year I nearly had a breakdown at the perpetual quicksand like motion at witch I have been moving in the states. I realized how one by one those things had been trying to invade where my hope lies just a month home. The expectations I placed on myself were unrealistic and in a lot of ways worldly in order to "look, move, act, be"  like everyone else in "my stage(whatever that is) in" this life. I couldn't put my finger on the pressure I felt- even when "no one" was forcing me, culture was. Expectations for a 24 year old here look different than my life in Haiti, and having lived in a 3rd world country for an extended period of time does not fit into those expectations. I wanted to hide. Go back to life in America but not face the culture that is in America- Impossible.

It was frightening to realize how quickly we conform again to the patterns of our worlds. My world had been simplicity and difficulty mixed into little comfort with a lot of love, all of a sudden it's a shifting burden of worldliness smack dab in my face. Coming back into a culture where we are told our Jobs define us --I don't have one. Those Jobs afford us leisure our money can buy-- that I have in limited supply as well. Beauty in high fashion and making yourself to be "pulled together" screams "CULTURE SHOCK" for me. I was alarmingly so caught off guard by that in the airport; not even on american soil for an hour looking in the mirror suddenly feeling my face naked next to the layers piled on the next girl. After a year of wearing only Nike shorts and tee shirts I didn't exactly remember how to coordinate so I realize my outfit was certainly not "cute" and I'm pretty sure I saw more self assured middle schoolers than I was in that moment. I wanted to jump into a Jcrew magazine and hide for a few days remembering what it was like to feel pretty.

Why?
Our culture screams HOPE IN JOBS, HOPE IN MONEY, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN BEAUTY, HOPE IN LUST, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN YOURSELF, HOPE IN "FREEDOM," HOPE IN FAME, HOPE IN YOUR FIGURE, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN THE AMERICAN DREAM, HOPE IN ALCOHOL, HOPE IN FUN, HOPE IN FRIENDS, HOPE IN STUFF, HOPE IN ANYTHING(just not Jesus)  HOPE IN LIES.

They are all lies.

There is only ONE TRUE HOPE.

Christ ALONE.

It seams I am still stripped of  many of these ideals now, but as I immerse more and more back in my own culture it's inevitable changes will take place. I will (eventually?!) get a job that likely will pay money that likely turns into caring or at least being somewhat concerned about how presentable I am. In and of themselves these are not bad things I simply cannot put my hope in them, especially as I don't have them when the world says I "need" them. I have more hope than my circumstances because I have Christ, he is all in all. I remember that all these things are fleeting and offer us little of that zoomed in reality of Christ. This is why the devil uses those lies to hope in anything but Jesus. He wants us to loose sight of Christ altogether by jobs and money and clothes, and sadly we can. America, we have.

As I walk into my 24th year, jobless nearly penniless and with little idea of what this year holds all I can do is remember my Hope is in Christ alone. Our circumstances don't make hopeful people, we become hopeful people when we hope in Christ and not in this world.

As I remember the truths the Lord has pressed so deeply in my heart in my 23rd year I rest in his faithfulness for 24, for he alone is my hope.

"The Lord directs the steps of the Godly, he delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23

Friday, July 18, 2014

\\5 Days//



I fly home in 5 days. five\\5.

The reality of going home has all gotten a lot more real. I woke up anxious that I may have missed saying goodbye to the team of sweet recent high school grads and their counselors I so dearly loved. I open my door that looked onto the street still with sleep in my eyes and saw them all ready to go. I yelled DON'T LEAVE threw on clothes and ran downstairs to embrace these sweet girls. The last 10 days have been challenging for me, knowing with every passing day and milestone of their trip my time here was soon coming to an end. Early on they found out about my going home. Since these girls were in transition from high school to college or even sweet Hannah who is moving to South Africa they understood my feelings of transition well, they were living it too. They were gracious and understanding, two things I very much needed the last weeks I spend in Haiti. As I hugged each of them and told them all they are incredible they were off. So was I. I know I was not on their van driving to the airport but in an instant I was reliving two years ago when I had to ride two hours to Port-Au-Prince just to get on a plane teary eyed praying Lord, I don't understand.

I don't understand this time either -- in 5 short days I will be that same teary eyed girl walking up to the American Airlines counter looking like a fool. Oh how my heart wants to fight back so much saying "that's it I'm done with this life" when I know that's a lie and I'm not okay, I'm not done. The devil has tried to fill my thoughts with reasons why I should be "done" in many different forms this week. One came in the form of a teenage boy who as I greeted him coming down the mountain he called me ugly as if he just said the sky was blue or the grass green. Hardness of heart encamped around my sensitive spirit and I had a moment of  "Maybe I should be done with Haiti altogether- just forget it." Then I was suddenly enraged at that very thought. I cannot simply be DONE here. I know I go home in less than a week, but being done it putting something behind you and I cannot and will not ever put Haiti behind me.

Living here I have learned more than my share of lessons that the devil would like for me to throw out the instant I hit American soil. That won't be so, I won't lose the sensitivity to his spirit nor the compassion for other and a resolve to serve even when it's difficult. I won't lose the joy and love that many have poured into me this year with their smiles and encouragement, I won't lose the grace that others gave me as I was learning a new language or simply learning in general. Those things are to be taken though my life with me and I won't let the devil tell me otherwise.

There has been a fight in my head lately about why I was going home. My heart said NO, YOU CAN'T and my spirit said, but you must. Once again I am feeling like I am being ripped from the very place he called me and settled my heart here. How can it be God's will to have me leave I wonder many times. I have prayed repeatedly for the Lord to be CLEAR if he wanted me to stay in Haiti beyond my initial year mark. You want to know what he said. NOTHING.

Lots of confusion has swirled around my mind as I tried to make sense of that. Jesus called me from my home, comforts, and will into his grace and love here in Haiti but he does not have me hear longer. At least not now... Not this season. I am aware that his seasons are simply for our Good. I could use some time to process and spend time talking to individuals that encourage me into God's will at all times. However this season is probably the most difficult for me transitionally because that suddenly means no Haiti.

No more chickens, pigs or cows waking me up in the morning. No Saturday feeding where my heart is blessed knowing children are consuming both spiritual and physical food. No more little voices calling my name from the mountain so very far away that I need to look around to even begin to orient the direction the voice came. No more greeting the women in the kitchen, loving on them and telling them I appreciate them as they shove a plate of food in my face and are so happy to share. No more late nights on the porch looking at the stars in the heat thinking, how is this real? No more dancing with little ones on Fridays and allowing the expression of Joy be released from their bodies as we giddily prance around the church. No more kinder babies running up to me jumping in my arms and feeling safe as I am filled with glee at every sweet ounce of Love received as I embrace them. No more.

No more? How can this be so.
I am simply holding fast to my faithful and true Heavenly Father for I know he has a will and a plan even if I don't know that plan. He is alone the one who gave me the sounds of waking up, the chorus of animals chirping or mooing. He gave me the pleasure of being blessed on Saturdays at the feeding. He also called my name when those children from so far away were compelled to yell it at the top of their lungs, he was on the tip of their tongue. He also cooked with my ladies and danced with my girls and hugged all my kinder babies. He was in all those things and he will ever be in all things. I will see it- I will look and find him in the transition. His hints of grace and echoes of love in each thing. Even if those things I am not yet familiar with just yet, even if it's hard. I know he is there in the hard transition from grace in Haiti to grace in America. His grace stands. He is good. He will always be.


Please join me in prayer as I transition. For grace and for the individuals who will be around me in my meltdowns that will inevitably be brought on by what is simple in the states yet so hard or unfamiliar here. Where even a simple trip to the store might send me into a spiral of emotions. It's a transition that I never truly want to recover from because I know I am never done with Haiti. Haiti is always with me and I am so grateful for that. I will never recover from a country that has allowed the Lord to lavishly fill me with grace, love, hope, joy, peace and much more. Life here was hard, it was not anything like home, it took adjusting but I welcomed the change because despite my momentary discomfort I understood it would produce fruit . Pray that I welcome this change back "home" just the same as I trust Jesus has a plan. Pray for his will and discernment to lead me onto the next chapter or for a season of stillness to fill my heart in ways that only his power at work can do.

 Oh how I am grateful I was chosen to venture with Jesus to the unknown. I pray I am grateful to once again follow his leading and see what excellent things are in store. May Christ always receive the Glory, may he be illuminated in not only my time here but my transition back home as well. Let him be seen. Let him be Glorified, always.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Allegory: Waterfalls


Close your eyes with me. Imagine yourself in a quaint little cabin on a large piece of land. You are distracted by something that at the moment seamed like the world- but as you look back now you cannot remember what it was you were doing and mostly why it was so important. You are sitting and it is still outside. The children have been fighting with their heavy eyelids fighting to stay open but alas, they fall into slumber. You are anxious but you don't know about what. It's a matter that will affect many people around you, many you care about and you feel a pressure to do something but you simply don't know what that something is, or even simply the next step to get to that something. Fear covers you like a blanket and you shutter. About the time you feel a loss of hope for the future, you hear it. The faint rush of something outside. It's small and still but it is there you are sure of it. You stand up and look out the window and that action alone sends anxiety coursing though your veins. You look back at your sleeping family and take a deep breath. The kind where you half breath half hold your breath. Suddenly you hear the sound again this time stronger and something inside says "find it, seek it out. watch and see what will happen."  You try to shake off the feeling but it overwhelms you so you give in. You step outside the cabin and start walking in the direction of the melodious beautiful sound that you can't quite make out now but you are sure it's attainable.

You walk toward the pitter patter that is out of reach you walk faster as you hear the rushing surges of water at each step you look forward with familiar anticipation of the ultimate refreshment even though you have never been to this part of the woods. You can't describe it but somehow the things you were anxious over melt away, your wandering heart become set on this one goal: reaching that beautiful sound and finding complete refreshment forever. You don't necessarily know what that looks like but somewhere along the way in your path to search out this sound you run into a man. 

He is kind, he says he can help you find your way as you seam to be in a hurry and the fall of dawn was upon you. You are fearful at first because you remember what has been said about strangers- especially strangers in the wilderness. However something in your spirit  is calmed in his presence and you are thankful he could lead you as you soon become weary from your venture. He calmly reminds you that just up ahead the wellspring is there. Its rushing water- that is the sound you have been hearing and you are even more determined to get there now that you know you could drink there... you will not waver nor turn back. You desire rest for your feet for you feel you have been walking for days, months, years maybe. You look up to the man beside you and he looks strong, able to easily carry you. When there is no more steps that you can physically take you ask the gentle man to take you into his arms to complete the journey and reach the water at last. He without hesitations mounts you upon his back and says some words that seam familiar but you can't place them He says confidently " Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."  You repeat them back to yourself as if they were once an old children's story you were fond of as you are being carried and are so relaxed you nearly fall asleep. 


Then you see it- up ahead there is a large mountain, bigger than you have ever seen. There falling off the precipice is the gushing gurgling most beautiful sight and sound of a magnificent waterfall. It seams too good to be true. You are nearly blinded by the light that is reflecting off each pass of water surge brought into a deep pool where  you rush to submerge your body. The refreshing cool covers your body and you take a large drink and it seams to quench every thirst you have ever had. You oddly remember this feeling as if it were a dream, one you may have had many, many years ago when a child.

You swim over to sit under the waterfall and you feel it suddenly envelop you-- Amazing Grace. This is the sound. This is it. All I've ever needed right here in the submission of the water to the pull of gravity carrying the splashes of water across the edges as if it's dancing just for you. And there He is, the man who guided us here holding those things in his hands. You don't quite know what to do as you watch his hands motion like a beautiful conductor- he gestures to the waves and whispers to the splashes. The bubbling of the wellspring below you warms your body in the most relaxing way. The gravity pulling each stream of water down, down, down into the pool screams of obedience they have to this man.  You suddenly burst into song, but you realize this song isn't to the cliff in which the water rushes down nor for the water that dances or the chorus it makes as it splashes all around you- it's for the maker alone.

You shout as loudly as you can " HE IS GOD, HE IS GOOD. STAND HERE- UNDER THIS WATERFALL-SEE GRACE LIKE NEVER BEFORE" as your breath breaks you mix your own tears in with the water and realize that all along that sound, the callings, the journey, even the neediness of being carried here was all for his praise. It's in his grace alone that you turned to follow the sound of Grace calling you no matter how faint the sound was and ran for the waterfall. Then when you where weary and could not go on the dark night of the soul enveloping you in ways you would rather not speak of as to bring you down, that was worth it too. The challenge in the journey and the fatigue is mixed with the emotion as Joy overflows. If we only were to look at the turmoil that is caused by the journey to finding the waters edge we would miss the grace in which it envelops. We would miss it altogether and the whole journey would be in vain. Only grace, by that man only Jesus Christ could possibly lead us to the abundant outpouring of his love, mercy, kindness, and favor. He desires for us all to run for this waterfall of his outpouring of perfect grace.

It does not end here.

Then just when you are filled with this complete peace and knowledge of what the waterfall means and how great the refreshment and fullness of a gift and blessing it is suddenly it stops flowing and you do not see the man. You are alone in the wilderness. "How can this be" you think? "How can the flow of grace streaming from above cease to cover me?" Was this just a dream and did I really with complete certainty experience this life changing refreshment and have I really been changed from it? How can the man that lead me here suddenly be gone without my seeing it at all. How can that be good? What is good again? You are forced to walk home only you can't find the way, you think it's this way, then that way and then you simply walk in circles.  You don't understand why such goodness could not last, why on earth could you experience complete and full feeling and now everything is simply grey.

Slowly or rather fast  depending on your perception of the time the memory of water makes you angry. Finally, you walk back to the place that you were when you first heard the rush of water faintly in the distance and sit. You sit in your anger and you let it rise within you, as if the waterfall owed you it's constant flow; you remember it so clearly but somehow it's lost its refreshment for your soul. You can't cling to what you don't know and you already sacrificed so much to find it - because when you left in search for the sound you left behind a mess and the memory comes back of what once was so important and built anxiety in your heart.

We all have to survive through the winter and thus you place the waterfall in the back of your mind as you bitterly go about your days of labor without even a sip from the spring. You cant even take a small break for the fear that you won't make it and since the water isn't anywhere to be found you build a big wall around your heart ever hearing of that following sound again. You loath even having to take a sip of tepid water in the fields as you remember flowing water from above and you glance at the birds in the air as they freely dance and eat and drink without a worry. You think, why can't it be that simple? Doesn't he care for me? ((YES, CHILD!)) The brink of desperation sets in and the crop is failing- winter will be longer than you can provide for and suddenly your crying out for ANYTHING. You think the man who lead you to the waterfall has abandoned you and even in your time of need he won't come so why bother to ask him for help, so you don't. A little ounce of you wishes he would come to save you even without asking just to prove you wrong but mostly because you need to live and eat and function.

Then you hear again the faint trickle of water and your heart skips a beat- you don't quite know what to do. Leaving now and running to the water would only put you farther behind in your important  work to stay alive and for what? For the water to dry up and care little to continue flowing for your livelihood. You are distraught as you remember the wonderful refreshment that is the crystal clear waters jumping off the cliff as if it was their soul joy in life to do so. That thought now pains your heart and you aren't able to hear the sound any longer. Just as you want you push out the sound and dig deeper your own grave.

The man comes to your house so that you might be lead back to this place, but in your stubbornness  when you see him coming and he kindly greets you with a wave: you turn and run to close the door and lock it. The man gently knocks, you claim that you are far too busy to go on some hike to see a waterfall and even if you were not busy you certainly where not going with him after all he has done to not make you prosper and "left you alone."The man knocks again on the door and slowly says "I never left you nor have I forsaken you, and I never will." You toss the words about in your head and they begin to soothe your soul but the calluses on your heart need more wearing down in order to open the door. He reminds you "while you were away and anxious, I was preparing a place for you." You still don't believe him but wish you could then he begins again. "I have knit you together in your mothers womb I know your innermost being." "Maybe that is why he is being so patient with me" you think but still something pings in your mind to stay and work not to follow this man. You are caught between your burdens and your desires.  You remind yourself where your desires lead you last time... up the river and with a long hike back home to the tasks you have neglected.

Then you hear a faint whisper though the door "come follow me" you feel like yelling now because you are so conflicted but you stomp your foot and clench your fists instead. You don't want to let go of the wrong that has been done to you by submitting to that voice again. After all when you got back from that lovely journey you weren't able to plant anything in the field because it was past the season for planting, so you were behind all your neighbors. You finally planted everything but had to battle to remember that rainy season was over so you hoped it would rain but it never came- you were simply late. Your crops shriveled and died around the time everyone was harvesting. You have no way of providing for your family. You are mad,  and say to the man at the door "If only I hadn't gotten so distracted, I would be fine... I wouldn't have to scramble." That's when the man at the door says, " no matter your effort, this crop was going to fail ... but it's not because I am not good, follow me and see." At this point you are so exhausted from fighting and hurting and you are realizing that you simply won't be able to make it past this winter either way so you step toward the door. Once step, then two and you stop.

You stop and instantly remember that surge of grace falling on you in the waterfall of his hands. How? Because he is good after all you suppose even with hurt in your heart you somehow can feel his goodness.

You take another step and open the door. He isn't mad because he had to wait for so long, or because you were defiant in following him...he knows the flood of grace covers that too. He simply invites you to follow him and so in the quiet of your heart you say "yes" even though so much of your brain and flesh says "no." He starts you off at a slow pace just like before, then a faster walk, then just as you thought you were there you take an unexpected turn. You look at him inquisitively. He simply continues you down that path farther and farther away from the waterfall. He places you under a cider tree and calls you to rest in his hands.  You don't question him as you are very tired from the journey so you fall into a slumber in mere seconds. While you were sleeping the man leaves. You wake panicked, How can this be? He called me once, left me dry...came and called me again and now he is nowhere in sight. "I know I should have stayed" you think. Then you hear a voice, you can't fully understand from where but it simply said "follow the sound" and instantly you remember that gurgling joyful splashing from the mountain top into the pool of grace once again.

You look up with determination as you know your mission. You listen carefully and somewhere far in the distance you hear the sound again. It very well could have been there the whole time but you were so set on not hearing you simply couldn't make it out. You rise to your feet and start walking. The closer you get your pace quickens. Your face turns from mournful to joyful, you simply cant help but smile nearly laughing. You run full speed when you see the man again, standing at waters edge. He greets you with open arms and lifts the water to your parched lips. You nearly knock him down with excitement and he isn't ashamed of your near undignified praise at his feet. You thank him for his small voice that lead you to him. He says "well done good and faithful servant." You ponder that statement and recall how little faith and goodness you were being, but then you suddenly are enveloped by the waterfall again and remember the glory of which they speak of him. You remember he pour of Grace... this is why he calls me good and faithful, because of his grace. You are even more joyous than before and you didn't think that was possible. In the mist of the water pouring over you in perfect Grace you turn to the man, fix your eyes on his face and ask " when will this run dry, and what am I to do with my fields and for the winter."

He catches your words like the pools catch the graceful fall of water from the tops of the mountain and he tells you "Child, I simply moved the flowing water for what is best for you, for the greater joy of your soul. I needed for your fields to fail so that you would follow me and move to where the waters surge again. If ever the water is to cease falling the waterfall is awaiting you in a new place, but trust me it never runs dry." You look to him confused. You ask, "How could you let me walk away from the waterfall before?"  He replies, " Dear child I was there pointing you in the direction but you looked up with such anger at the water's end you simply could not see me. I came to lead you back, so that you may receive what is abundant life but you must understand my ways are not your ways." You slowly are awakened to the reality of the Kingdom of God and the treasures being stored up in heaven. With every move to a new waterfall of grace, no matter how difficult, even if it costs much it's worth the eternal treasure. The blessings flow and the grace of the splashing waters surround so you are covered. You are lead by the movement of the water and if it says stay or go. You obey because you know the maker of the eternal well and are reminded:

"The LORD will always lead you, satisfy you in a parched land, and strengthen your bones. You will be like a watered garden and like a spring whose waters never run dry."

This was inspired by a small line from a sermon by John Piper from 2002 the line reads " I tell people to stand under the waterfall of grace, and if it moves you follow it."

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Be Wild


Last night I was chatting with one of the girls on the team that is in our guesthouse this week. She was asking me a few questions- challenging questions the type of questions that if I'm honest I've been avoiding for some time. That's when it came, the particular question I've been asking myself for months "So what do you think you will be doing after this?"

"Woah," I thought, "I just met you.. Should I really share this with you?" However, something in my spirit told me to share so as I slowly answered and the words that were coming out of my mouth were surprising even to me. There mingled with the unknown the Lord was allowing me to have confidence in him and his plan beyond anything I could dream up or "figure out" before heading home, and that's the most comforting place I've been in a long time.

It's funny when we take our eyes off our "goals" and look at the Maker we can see from such a different perspective. My heart was so happy when she admonished the faith it took to not yet know but to follow, because something flowed from that as well something I haven't been able to place into words. I simply replied "that's the Life he calls us to, do we every truly know what's next anyway?"

The unknown, the road less traveled and I will gladly take it. I would much rather take the road that few have traveled down a narrow path and be guided by the good Shepard into the unknown with a future in the new Eden than a well marked path of control and worldly appeal that many have walked because that lover is so far less.

The lover of the world is far less wild.
That lover screams for attention in the worst ways-
In your Identity, sexuality, control, pride, and the list continues
That lover steals and will comfort you into believing YOU are at the center.
That lover will lie.

If a lover lies is it really a lover anyway?


My lover may leave me in a desert place for a season, but I know I am not alone.
My lover may give me trials but he will not let me face them without HIS strength.
My lover greets me with the most all enticing love song to worship him- and that I will do.

Why do we settle for lovers less wild? 
Because we know not of what wilderness symbolizes. We don't know the wild beauty.

I remember going to the zoo when I was in elementary school. The animals behind those bars were pathetic to me. Sure it was cool to see the lions and tigers and such but because they were trapped- they were no longer wild, striping them of most of their beauty. The animals are certainly still wild creatures however far less wild. It's in them to be wild but they can't live out their wildness without a wilderness to be lost in as a wild creature.

Oh how it's the same with our souls.
We are wild creatures craving wilderness, wide open spaces, change, transformation, progress, healing to be at our wildest. It's beyond our imagination to have a wild heart and have it be caged like the tiger at the zoo.

Sadly, many of us step into the cadge so willingly. Falling after lovers so less wild. We cage ourselves and a tragedy is on stage - the wild at heart lose their will to be wild because we are becoming tame to the world. We are being tamed by the promise of security in ourselves -Filled with our pride in ourselves- such as at a job that offers a lifestyle we always thought was the "goal." Somehow it doesn't fulfill though so we move on to the false wilderness of spirits and drink with friends to fill that wild aching inside of us, but that pushes us down too. When that doesn't work we simply sit in front of our screens... All of them Computer, TV, Iphone, Ipad, Kindle, and become tame as we play candy crush and think if we can just beat level 46 we would make it. Oh how easily we are tamed.

Like a tiger born in captivity, we are so unapt to walk in the wilderness because we have been fed and didn't need to hunt for our every meal. It was provided. We lost some of our innate aggression in our wild nature. Why search for something or use our wildness to fight for a meal when we know one is coming to the cage in it's timely routine everyday. We walk about our days in captivity and somehow think this life is the wilderness. We think we have been doing ourselves a favor and saving ourselves from dangers that come from living a wild life.

Our souls crave a wild love story to captivate our heart. One that we can turn over in our minds and never get tired of. That's the Gospel it holds our every wild desire within it. It's the story that when believed in a life- transforms every nook and cranny and lets the wild creature venture outside the cage for once because we are learning that the wilderness was made for us and our hearts for it. It's the daily reality of grace that keeps us running wild at the thought of a way out of the cage of captivity to sin for sinners. We were made to let the wild heart of God capture his creatures wandering hearts.

We were not created to be caged in our own "wilderness" and call it wild - having lovers and things of the world strip us of our wild nature. Slowly it happens, we lose the wild inside when we walk away from the one that wildly died for you. He came willingly to be placed in a culture not his own in order that we might know the Father. That's about as wild as I can imagine. That wild love held Jesus on the cross while he suffered so we might see of his love so fierce he can't be tamed or cadged by sparing his own son for you.

"Fixing our eyes on Jesus the founder and perfecter of Faith , For the Joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the Father" Hebrews 12:2

Oh that Lion, he will continue to roar and roam the very depths of your heart to capture it for his own. No wilderness is too wide that you cannot be touched by his loving call. 

I am reminded that we need wilderness seasons because it calls out the wild nature in us. It awakens some of the natural call of our wild Lover. Somehow we think it will be best to get out of the wilderness as fast as possible- get to dry land, to civilization, to simply "be okay" again. What is really beautiful to me is to be awakened to the reality that those wilderness seasons in our lives are calling us to a romance- one of sacred proportions.

It's a calling to wild hearts to be awakened and to trust the wild Love of a savior and rely on the instincts that the Holy spirit has placed inside this wild heart of ours. Following hard after the wild will- going places we never thought we would go, doing things so far from our imagination. None of that would be possible if we didn't have the wilderness. Many people question God in times of "lost wondering" in the desert of wilderness... I want to call you to look further. See his wild love is in search of not your comfort but rather in search of a wild and willing heart after his very will. Oh what beauty can be found even in our painful seasons if we remember God is at work on  a chase ahead of us in the wilderness to win over our hearts. So hold tight brothers and sisters when you face the unknown, the wide open spaces with no explanation, the wilderness is a call to the wild. It's a call to the wild at heart. It's a call to his very heart that he wants you to be able to run and be free. It's a call to wild lovers in a sacred romance.

I challenge you, In the wilderness... 

Be wild.

"A voice is calling, "Clear the way for the LORD in the wilderness; Make smooth in the desert a highway for our God. "Let every valley be lifted up, And every mountain and hill be made low; And let the rough ground become a plain, And the rugged terrain a broad valley; Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed, And all flesh will see it together; For the mouth of the LORD has spoken." Isaiah 40"3-5

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Beautiful Suffering


Last year a good friend of mine was going though a really difficult struggle in her life. I sympathized with her heartache but simply didn't know how to comfort her other than pointing her back to Jesus- because he does a far better job being compassionate than I ever have or ever will. I do remember during my prayer time for her I asked the Lord to just give me a glimpse of her pain, her plight. I wanted to understand more fully because I cared for her enough to want to share in suffering with her just to be able to identify more with the nature of her heart.

That's the thing about Love- It's willing to suffer just to get closer to your heart. It's willing to want to go deeper in pain and suffer on behalf of relating to you. After all- that's what Jesus did, that's why he came. He came to suffer in hopes that we would see how his suffering related to our lives- that his sacrifice had everything to do with his Love and compassion but that's not the end of the story.
The suffering our savior encountered on that cross -ONCE AND FOR ALL- (Read that again) gave us power. His power, the same power that Raised Jesus from the dead now lives in us if we Trust Jesus with our lives.

 "I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms." Eph 1:19-20 

So if we have this power, how can we begin to understand how to use it... What to do with it? First the revelation of this power should not allow us to boast in ourselves rather in the giver of life. We must remember in his death and baptism we died with him, and in his resurrection we will rise with him in new life in his righteousness. ((Romans 6)) Now, no longer do our stains of sin seep though the surface because we have a robe of righteousness that covers and that robe is the Suffering of Christ. 

So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin. 1peter 4:1 

So it turns out not only do we have power over death, we have power over sin! The Lord has been gently reminding me of this fact lately. I know my life has been splattered with sin's signature stink and I continue to need an abundance of Grace which Jesus is so gracious to present to me, but it doesn't end there. His signature is one of grace and love beyond all compare - it cannot be revoked if our hearts are postured toward the son.

We are victorious over sin. That doesn't mean we won't ever sin rather it's our posture. We can claim victory over sin that has dragged us down into the pits more than once. The sins we hide and push away-- ashamed that an evil can exist as such in our hearts- so we "run" from God and "hide" our failings.

He gives us a way out, a way for sinners- A victory over those secret things- Over the failures that we can hardly verbalize. He has given us this because he loves us. He suffered so that we would have VICTORY over such things.

 "Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." Romans 8:37 

This past week I was reminded about these secret things by our very own Moto driver here. He had been acting off lately so I pulled him over and asked (In broken Creole mind you) if he would share with me what was bothering him. He went on this whole long explanation about how everyone has secrets and that he simply could not share with me. I reminded him that even if he could not share those secret things with me he can share those things with Jesus because he already knows what's going on in his heart. I was praying he could understand how the victory of Jesus was meant to give us victory as well though the burden being poured out onto Jesus-- It's great news!

I've recently been faced with an Idol that I had NO idea that existed in my heart. I was so burdened that in the face of this sin I took it to the father and he called me to fast.... Only I failed. I heard the Lord say I was to fast and seek his face and starve the Idol in my heart but I turned again from his precious face and into the arms of the Idol I fed. Such heartache I encountered. I am grateful that he picks us up from our heartache and turns us to the father who says look to my son.

 "For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day." John 6:40 

That heartache was such as when I was suffering not long ago as a response to my prayer nearly a year earlier to experience some of my friends suffering. I realized amidst the trial that this struggle was to open my eyes and give me compassion not just for my friend but also for a sliver of the suffering encountered on the cross. It certainly doesn't compare, but remembering his suffering for my freedom and victory gave me hope that this desert would become an opportunity to share in Christ's death and resurrection. It's a strange thing to feel so convicted, lost, deserted then remember with great grace- this must have been the tip of the iceberg of what Christ felt for us all that day he was lead to Calvary. <He must increase I must decrease> As for my Idol, the battle isn't over I am afraid I will fight that until the day I meet the one who suffered on our behalf but I do have great confidence in his blood's power in my life as I claim victory over sin. All sin, "small sin" ugly sin, hidden sin, blatant sin, comforting sin, sins of omission, sins of commission, sins of old, any and all sin. I remember that sin does not have the final word. He already spoke those words....

                                 "It is FINISHED" John 19:29-30


Shameless PLUG: go see my new feed on Flickr for some recent  Daily Life photography work ;)